Category Archives: Intimacy

“My girlfriend said she needed time and space to re-evaluate our relationship, for us to work on ourselves, and then see where we want to go from there. I was reassured that her moving out was not an end to our relationship, but just putting it on hold. We agreed that we could still see each other, fidelity would be respected, and we could also continue to communicate with each other. I complied.”

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"Counterpoint" by Mimi Stuart © Living the Life you Desire

“Counterpoint” by Mimi Stuart ©
Living the Life you Desire

Avoiding honest discussions about difficult issues

No relationship is perfect. So one of the key ingredients in a long-term relationship is being able to be honest while diplomatic about changes that would improve the relationship and boundaries that need to be set.

If people are too worried about hurting each others’ feelings to be candid, then long-term intimacy may be severely compromised. While attack and defensiveness are counter-productive, honest expression of your needs and desires in a relationship is crucial. A couple needs to be able to talk openly about what is not working in their relationship.

Have you both been able to discuss the issues in your relationship? Do you know why your girlfriend needs to move out to re-evaluate the relationship? Are you sure she is not simply trying to ease out of the relationship without hurting you too much?

Having it both ways

Your girlfriend seems to be calling all the shots while you hand over all of the control in the relationship to her. Separating and the possibility of getting back together seem to be in her hands. Is she trying to have it both ways–keep you waiting for her, while she decides what she really wants?

Being too compliant

Notice that she was the one reassuring you, which means she assumes that you will be there waiting for her. Consider whether you have allowed a dynamic to develop in your relationship where you give her total control in the name of being agreeable and accommodating.

While it is important to be reasonably accommodating in a relationship, when you give up too much of your power and subordinate your needs and desires to another person, you will become emotionally debilitated. As a result, you will feel lackluster, your partner will lose interest in you, and passion will tend to diminish. Even if you do get back together, if this dynamic continues, you will lose your sense of self by being too compliant, and she will lose her desire for you.

Taking control of your own life and your role in the relationship

1. Have a candid conversation. Ask her to explain why she is dissatisfied. Assure her that you can handle the truth and see if she can be candid about why she wants to separate. In order for you to have the opportunity to re-evaluate the relationship, you need to know what’s bothering her and whether she can handle difficulties in a relationship as part of a team.

2. Live your life, don’t put it on hold. Keep your life engaged. Avoid sitting around waiting for her to decide whether she can do better. Give her space while maintaining your own friendships and social activities. It’s always good to keep your life interesting and continue to pursue your passions, whether living together, married or not. You will feel more alive and be a more interesting and desirable person.

3. Re-evaluate your relationship with her. Make sure you also re-evaluate the relationship on your own terms. Make sure you are in touch with your own needs and desires and not just simply complying with hers. Imagine that you do get back together. Can you avoid walking on eggshells wondering if she’s going to back away again? Will you two be able to discuss boundaries, needs, and desires? Will you be second-guessing her and trying to appease her so that she doesn’t leave again? Are you willing to simply wait and hope for her to decide to get back together with you? How do you really feel about her wanting to separate yet wanting to keep her options open?

Based on your reflections about these questions, you might tell her what your desires are and decide what actions you would like to take, and see if you can have a productive conversation together.

Separation can be helpful especially if you are both young and haven’t developed a strong sense of self. However, long-term relationships require trust, which is best promoted by honest and open discussions about the inevitable challenges that arise in a relationship.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen
@alisonpoulsen

Read “Positive Bonding Patterns: ‘We never fight, but we don’t talk anymore and there’s no more passion.’”

Read “My boyfriend broke up with me last week.”

“It hurts that my fiancé thinks I am smothering him. He wants me to let him catch his breath after he gets off work. I’m scared that I’m going to lose him because I’m needy or clingy.”

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"Pressure Control" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Pressure Control” by Mimi Stuart ©

Love

You are right. You will scare your fiancé away by smothering him. Give him the distance he needs. Love means having the self-discipline to respect the other person’s wishes and needs despite your own desires.

Desiring someone is a wonderful thing. But when the feeling becomes one of overwhelming or urgent need, then it’s time to find more fulfillment in your own life. You must try to reduce the psychological burden you are putting on to your fiancé.

Self-sabotaging Behavior

Sometimes people sabotage their relationships because they unconsciously conclude from painful past experiences that they are not worthy of reciprocal love. In such cases it’s important to resist the temptation to act in ways that tend to push others away. For example, by

• smothering a person
• giving too much advice
• using guilt trips, or
• playing games.

Balance Desire

The pursuer/distancer dynamic you are experiencing will only become more exaggerated once you are married if you don’t find some balance now.

As you know, when you are waiting for someone, your desire for that person increases. It would be more balanced if he were sometimes waiting for you while you were working, at a class, at a friend’s, on a walk or at the gym. You will see a shift in your one-sided dynamic if you were busier with some of your own interests, friends, sports, or work. If you pursued some interesting activities, you would feel more whole yourself, smother him less, and become more interesting – and more desirable.

Love out of fullness

Loving someone out of fullness is more sustainable than loving someone out of need. Fullness comes from leading a more full, balanced life with ongoing growth. Your relationship will be more mutually satisfying if you balance your desire for your fiancé with your own independent pursuits.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen
Healthy Relationships and
Effective Communication

@alisonpoulsen
https://www.facebook.com/dralisonpoulsen

Read “Pursuit and Distancing: Intimacy vs. Needing Space.”

Read “Pursuing passions or partnership? ‘You should spend time with me instead of going fishing!’”

How to ask for more affection, intimacy and sex…and…how not to.

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Click on the picture below to watch the short video:

It’s very frustrating and disheartening when affection and intimacy are lacking in a relationship. How do you talk to your partner about your desire for more romance and physical affection and intimacy without putting him or her on the defensive?

First, let’s look at how you do not want to approach your partner about your desire for more affection and intimacy in your relationship. Here are some approaches to avoid:

1. Avoid being accusatory.

2. Avoid complaining. Whining and complaining push the other person away.

3. Avoid being defeatist. Expecting the worst is weak and unattractive.

4. Avoid being self-deprecating. Insecurity and self-criticism are unappealing and a turn-off.

5. Avoid negative attacks. Attacking your partner will cause him or her to become hostile, not warm and loving.

6. Avoid the biological needs argument. If you want to increase the desire and sexual intimacy in your relationship, don’t treat your partner as an object to be used to satisfy your needs.

There are several components that are important to expressing your desire for more physical affection and intimacy.

1. Build the foundation. Don’t start at the finish line. Start at the beginning as though you are dating or courting. Build a foundation of respect, fun and romance.

2. Appreciate the positive. Appreciation and subtle flirtation throughout the day allow desire to develop.

3. Ask for feedback and listen. Find out what’s going on in your partner’s mind. Find out why he or she has lost desire for you and don’t become defensive or hostile.

4. Express your desires in a positive way. For example, “I’d like to be in a relationship that’s affectionate, romantic, fun, and where we can express our love physically.” “I’d like to be in a relationship where both partners enjoy sex.”

5. Ask for ideas and input. Find out what he or she would like to see in the relationship.

Remember that tone of voice and demeanor are more important than the words you use. Convey self-respect and self-empowerment as well as compassion and love for your partner.

If there has been a history of controlling behavior or contempt, then lack of desire will be more entrenched and counseling may be necessary.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

@alisonpoulsen
https://www.facebook.com/dralisonpoulsen

Read “Sustaining Desire: ‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch TV.’”

Watch “Seven Keys To A Fantastic Relationship.”

“We need to travel to re-energize our relationship.”

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"The Kiss" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“The Kiss” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Sometimes a trip or special date can bring back the energy and romance of a relationship. Yet, it’s the totality of your communication, tone of voice, and words that cause a relationship to become fulfilling or miserable.

If 80% of your communication is neutral or positive, that is, appreciative or respectful, then your relationship is likely to be fulfilling in the long-term*. If, however, more than 20% of your communication is disrespectful, hostile, or withdrawing, then your relationship is likely to deteriorate over the long-term.

Respectful communication does not mean becoming a yes-man or yes-woman. It simply means treating another person as worthwhile. You can do this without discarding your important values, desires, and opinions. You can respectfully disagree. You can decide to do your own thing without demeaning the other person. Respect and love for another person does not contradict self-respect.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Respect each other: ‘He’s always talking down to me.’”

Read “Positive Bonding Patterns: ‘We never fight, but we don’t talk anymore and there’s no more passion.’”

*Read John Gottman’s “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.”

“You like going surfing more than you like me!”

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"L'Amour dans l'eau" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“L’Amour dans l’eau” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

So… what I really meant was…

“Let’s spend some time together. I know you love surfing and I don’t want to take that away from you. But I would love to spend a little quality time with you. How about going out to dinner or having a picnic at the beach tonight?”

It’s easy to manipulate someone into spending more time with you, but you won’t enjoy your time together using guilt and complaints to coerce him or her to do so. You want your partner to be fully present and appreciate spending time with you. So entice your partner with a positive suggestion. Remember that it’s an opportunity to spend time together not a burden. You will be more effective if you show compassion while reminding him how important it is for you to enjoy time together.

Balancing individual pursuits and togetherness

It’s important to balance spending time together with pursuing your passions. Brain research shows that desire and passion for your partner fades if you spend all your time together. However, if you spend too little time together, you risk drifting apart and losing your energetic linkage. The ideal balance differs from person to person. To avoid ongoing disappointment and frustration, it’s best to find out what that balance is for each of you before making a long-term commitment.

In any relationship, there will be periods of time where things get out of balance. Candid discussions about this balance are key to avoiding becoming too onesided. Yet such discussions are most effective when each person shows compassion for the other person’s desires and needs while discussing his or her own wishes.

Responding to your partner

While you do not want to develop a pattern of being manipulated by the use of guilt or complaints, it is important to have empathy for your partner’s position and to respond to him or her without getting angry, defensive, or become compliant. You can be compassionate without being controlled.

Have a conversation with your partner and take into consideration your partner’s desires. Find out how he or she envisions spending more time together. Consider whether you are neglecting your partner. If so, discuss with him or her when you could spend more time together and plan to do so. You might also suggest that more positive communication would be more inviting, and perhaps to leave comparisons between your love of surfing and the relationship aside.

Responding to controlling behavior

If the complaint is unwarranted, you might just say, “I love surfing. I hope you want me to do something that makes me happy. I want the same for you.”

When someone is generally controlling and feels threatened easily because of his or her own insecurities, it’s best not to become emotionally reactive. You shouldn’t become hostile, churlish, or apologetic. Instead, keep your cool, and perhaps say, “I love you, but surfing is great exercise, feeds my soul, keeps me balanced and connects me with nature. Loving someone means supporting their passions not restricting them.”

Not buying into his or her emotional heat is key. Keep calm and reasonable yet do not allow yourself to be controlled by his or her fears. If you do, you are walking down the path of emotional fusion toward resentment. Consideration in a relationship is necessary but you shouldn’t start giving up reasonable things that you love to do and you shouldn’t want your partner to do the same.

When people are not differentiated, they lack emotional separation. As a result control and manipulation increase, which leads to greater conflict or over-accommodation at the cost of one’s own desires going underground. Both are unhealthy for the long-term enjoyment of a relationship.

Successful relationships require improving your ability to balance consideration for your partner with respect for your own desires. Consideration engenders the warmth of togetherness, while individual pursuits foster growth and passion. Seeking the right balance for both partners requires an ongoing effort that is well worth it.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Ten Keys to a Great Relationship: ‘The magic is gone.’”

Watch “How to avoid becoming a Doormat.”

Read “I’m always walking on eggshells. I don’t want to upset my partner.”

Read “Pursuing passions or partnership? ‘You should spend time with me instead of going fishing!’”