Category Archives: Happiness

No money: “I get really unhappy not to be able to buy clothes when I see all my friends shopping.”

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"Paya" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If asked to make a list of the happiest moments in their lives, most people will say that they are the times they spend with friends and family, enjoying the moment, enjoying nature, admiring a work of art, doing something for someone they love or for someone in need. They also enjoy learning, understanding, and moving their body — walking, dancing, or pursuing a sport.

None of these pursuits require money. The feeling of enjoyment that comes from learning, accomplishing something, or bringing joy to others lasts longer than simply purchasing new clothes.

There’s no denying that buying a new outfit or a new car is pleasurable, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. That pleasure, however, loses its luster very quickly. In fact, that’s why many people buy more clothes and stuff than they really need. They have to keep buying more to repeatedly get that quick fix of enjoyment, despite the fact that it fades so quickly.

Instead of focusing on those quick highs from getting something new, focus your energy on the deeper, more meaningful ways to experience happiness, and your longing to seek the short-lived gratification of purchasing more stuff will diminish.

by Alison Poulsen, Phd

Read “I’m embarrassed that I can’t afford to go out.”

Happiness, Freedom, and Independence: “I don’t know what will make me happy.”

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"Liberty" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

The very fact that we spend time thinking about happiness is one good reason to be happy. In order to have the option to pursue happiness, there has to be freedom from oppression as well as equality of individuals before the law.

One of the most powerful statements in United State’s founding documents shows the connection between equality and the pursuit of happiness:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

~The Declaration of Independence

Sadly, in too many countries people do not have the luxury of discussing happiness or love because the political environment does not allow the freedom needed to make meaningful choices. Poverty combined with totalitarian regimes oppress people to the point where mere survival is all that they can really think about.

We who live in countries that aspire to freedom and equality before the law are very fortunate in being able to have some ability to follow our own path to a happy and meaningful life.

Even if we don’t know what will make us happy, we can be grateful that we have enough security in our lives to consider what might make us happy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Life-shifting with Dr. Hull: Don’t you think I should be happy?”

Mild Depression and the Blues: “You should be happy! Look at the bright side!”

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"Gravitas" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

While optimism tends to attract happier states of mind, we should avoid being judgmental toward those living through darker moods. It’s important to ask if a friend needs help or wants to talk about problems. Yet simply being there can be more beneficial than jumping in quickly to “fix” someone’s mild sadness and gloom.

In addition to being compassionate, we need to be able to give others space to process their own emotional states. There is a place and purpose for melancholy, heartache, and disenchantment.

Psychologist James Hillman claims that the “gravitas” accompanying mild depression may allow us to discover consciousness and the depths of the soul. “It brings refuge, limitation, focus, gravity, weight, and humble powerlessness.”

Rather than giving in to a dark mood or blaming someone else, a person undergoing the blues has an opportunity to listen to what the unconscious is trying to say.

For instance, someone who identifies with being action-oriented may ignore grief and loss. Those neglected feelings may gain energy in the form of a shadow that one day will burst to the surface as emotional outbursts or depression. Mild and temporary depression can be a wake up call to the sleepwalker within us, allowing us to take time to mull over our life’s journey.

If a friend’s melancholy goes on too long or becomes severe, however, it may be time to intensify concern about his or her inability to get out of the depressed state. Dark moods push people away and prolong isolation and solitude, which can perpetuate a cycle that becomes increasingly difficult to break. If depression is leading to atrophy and degeneration, it’s important to encourage the friend to get help or see a health care professional.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “You’re so grumpy. Why don’t you go take a hike!”

Facial Expressions: “She says I frown all the time. That’s just me.”

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"Pleasure" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Your tone of voice, facial expressions, and words reflect your attitude about yourself, the person you’re talking to, and life in general.

Brain research shows that changing your facial expression actually makes you feel different—smiling makes you feel happier, frowning makes you feel angrier, gestures like sighing make you feel more hopeless. Not only does how you feel affect your facial expressions, but your facial expressions affect how you feel.

Research shows that if you watch a movie holding a pen across your mouth causing you to engage some of the smile muscles, you will think the movie is funnier than those who watched the movie without the pen. Simply smiling—even artificially—releases chemicals in the brain that make you feel happier—try it!

I’m not advocating walking around with a fake smile on your face. But it can’t hurt to become aware of your facial expressions and people’s reactions to them. Becoming aware of scowling, grimacing, or sneering allows you to choose to change your expression, and to some degree, the way you and others will feel.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Don’t look at me that way!”

“How can I be happy when she’s not?”

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"Joy" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire

If misery loves company, what does happiness do? It turns out that happiness is infectious, at least between married to each other. Recent research shows that married men are significantly more satisfied with their lives when their wives are happy with theirs, and vice versa.

British researcher Nick Powdthavee found that in married couples happiness can overflow from one spouse to the other, even for a partner who is facing difficulties. Unfortunately, the same results were not seen among unmarried couples who lived together.

In contrast, the negative effects of constant complaining or whining are greater than intended. The intended message of regularly pointing out flawed details in one’s surroundings, like “the toaster is sticking again,” can become a different message of “I am a pain to be around and will not stop complaining until you’re as unhappy as I am.”

It may seem obvious that it’s more enjoyable to be with someone happy than angry or depressed. Yet, this research gives people another good reason to seek happiness and not feel guilty about it. Since happiness is contagious, there’s no reason to try to make others feel better by showing them that your life is just as miserable as theirs. Instead, people can welcome happiness and serenity–at least to make their spouses happy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Why do you need to go back to school?”

Read “I never get to go skiing anymore. My partner doesn’t like to ski.”