Category Archives: Happiness

Fantasies: “All I want is a Lamborghini! Then I’d be happy.”

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"White Hot Speed" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire


Fantasies reveal to us symbolically what we may be missing in our lives. When we look at our fantasies metaphorically, they can point the way to our path to wholeness. However, we often take them too literally, and fail to realize the real need underlying the fantasy. For instance, the desire for an exceptional car might really signify our need for personal power, freedom, or the sense of being special.

Indulging literally in the whims of imagination can be a pleasurable escape from everyday reality. It can also inspire you to work hard, to pursue a new path, and even to change the course of your life. However, fantasies are deceptive in that they highlight the pleasure, thrill, and magic of what’s possible, and leave out the dreary, difficult, and inconvenient aspects of reality. They also often substitute the literal object for the quality that we could benefit from developing in ourselves.

Statistics have shown that most lottery winners lose all their gains within five years and often wish they had never won the lottery. The documentary “Lucky” follows several lottery winners after they have won the lottery to see how their “luck” ends up changing their lives.

One of the few people whose lives are not spoiled by winning the lottery is a math professor who had always fantasized about buying a Lamborghini. Once he is able to make his fantasy a reality, however, he chooses not to buy the exotic car, but to stick with his car and his life, having realized that having the fantasy was better than the would-be reality. He decides that owning the car would not be worth envy of the neighbors nor the worry about where to park to avoid damage to the precious car.

That’s not to say that it might not be satisfying to acquire exceptional and fancy things. Yet, it’s wise to remember that fantasies don’t consider the various challenges that come with their realization. Moreover, whatever fantasies come true, you remain the same person.

On the other hand, by learning what is motivating the fantasy, you don’t have to win the lottery to start integrating the sought-for qualities within yourself.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Listening to the One Percent” by Tony Evans.

Read “He’s such a caveman! Same old Disappointment on Valentine’s Day.”

Read “Happiness, Freedom, and Independence: ‘I don’t know what will make me happy.'”

“My life has no purpose or meaning.”

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"Soulful" — B.B. King by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Once we have our health and the necessities of life, it may be natural to pursue pleasure, excitement, and intellectual stimulation. Yet, if we pause to ask what has been most fulfilling and meaningful in our lives, it is likely that instances of sincere giving to others will be near the top of the list.

Knowing that your actions or words have contributed to someone’s well-being adds meaningful purpose to your life. It is wonderful to know that the way you’ve lived your life and how you’ve treated others has improved other people’s lives.

Contributing to others enhances not only their lives, but it is one of the greatest ways to enhance our own. Someone who helps others on a regular basis can have great impact on their lives and will never lack a sense of purpose and meaning in his or her own life.

Not everyone has the time or resources to contribute to others in a large-scale or consistent way, such as volunteer work or donations. This, however, does not exclude you from developing a giving nature. Giving to others can include small kindnesses such as a warm smile, sincere compliments, and encouraging words. Contributing to others becomes a way of being by consistently bringing the best of yourself to those with whom you interact.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Over-functioning” to avoid going to the extreme of doing too much.

Read “Compassion in Relationships.”

Read “Pleaser and Receiver.”

“The world is becoming worse. Where’s the opportunity?”

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"Light of the Silvery" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

~Winston Churchill

Realistic optimism — that is, hopefulness and confidence about the future with an understanding of reality — enhances quality of life and longevity. Optimism requires intentional seeking of opportunity, beauty, and possibility, even in circumstances that don’t seem to hold out much hope, as in the following story:

The pessimist was sitting in a room full of toys and he did nothing but whine and cry. In contrast, the optimist was placed in a room full of horse manure and given a shovel. The optimist was happily shoveling away the manure. When asked why he was so happy, he said: “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “What is there to be cheerful about?”

Read “Flexibility: ‘My negative emotions bring me down. I tend to dwell on feeling hurt or angry.'”

“Live in the now, not in the future!”

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"Living Legends Wright Brothers"
by Mimi Stuart, Live the LIfe you Desire

Research studies show that individuals’ time orientation influences their “quality and satisfaction of life, relationships, school and work performances, and a variety of other future outcomes.”*

Most individuals are dominated by a particular time preference. Their focus on the past, present, or future is generally determined by cultural influence, upbringing, and personal experience. Each particular orientation has its benefits, but any one in excess can damage the quality of relationships, work performance, safety, and happiness.

1. Past Oriented

Benefit — People who focus on the past can learn from the past and enjoy the nostalgia. If their view of the past is positive — e.g., one of triumph or successful coping — they are likely to have positive expectations of the future.

Problem — They may hang on to grudges, making it difficult to get beyond negative experiences. They may have a limited view of themselves and others based on past events. Dwelling excessively in the past makes it hard to deal with the present or to plan for the future.

2. Present Oriented

Benefit — People who focus on the present are able to enjoy the moment, connect well with people, and experience pleasure. They are carefree, spontaneous, and completely in the present.

Problem — Studies show that people who are dominated excessively by a present orientation are found to be the least likely of the three types to be successful or to find deep happiness. Their inability to delay gratification can lead to reckless behavior, resulting in harm to themselves and others. Impulsive behavior, including addiction, promiscuity and unethical behavior, ironically often leads to a future lacking in pleasure as well as security.

3. Future Oriented

Benefit — People who focus on the future are able to conceptualize long-term consequences, and thus avoid reckless behavior. They take care of their health, finances and are responsible to their family. Planning for the future often leads to a more secure, comfortable, and desirable future.

Problem — Too much planning for the future can lead to workaholism and worry. People who focus excessively on the future miss out on spontaneity, personal connections, and present enjoyment of beauty and pleasure.

Dwelling exclusively in any one time-orientation thwarts overall happiness and effectiveness. Note that your first concern is your present security. If you are being attacked by a grizzly bear, you won’t be thinking about your IRA.

Ideally, we can balance all three time orientations — past, present and future — with different proportions of each depending on the situation. Work may call for greater future orientation, while spending time with loved ones calls for more present orientation, while the lessons from the past may be more relevant when dealing with uncertainty.

It is when we lose sight of other time orientations that we get in trouble. When we make present-day decisions, we need to keep the future in mind (think about drinking and driving, over-eating and other impulsive behavior.) Likewise, when we are at work or doing any kind of planning for the future, it is important to be in the present moment, so we can connect with the people we deal with, enjoy the small moments of beauty, and not let life pass us by. Life feels more embodied, whole and satisfactory if we can stay aware of all time-orientations rather than getting completely carried away by one.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

*Recommended Reading: “The Time Paradox,” in which Philip Zimbardo & John Boyd discuss how the time-focus individuals emphasize greatly shapes how they think and act.

Read “Impulsivity: ‘I knew the negative consequences, but couldn’t resist.’”

Read “Too Responsible to Enjoy.”

“Aaah! I’ve got crow’s feet —
I look terrible!”

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"Old Crow" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“I look fine, and what matters more is how I feel, my relationships, my passions, and my work.”

Most people care more if you exude life than if you look young.

“Your wrinkles either show that you’re nasty, cranky, and senile, or that you’re often smiling.”

~Carlos Santana

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Do Good Looks Matter?”