Category Archives: Happiness

Guest Author Michael A. Singer:
“I want to be happy, but my wife left me.”

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"Happiness" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Excerpt from Chapter 15 of “The Untethered Soul”: The The Path of Unconditional Happiness.

The highest spiritual path is life itself. If you know how to live daily life, it all becomes a liberating experience. But first you have to approach life properly, or it can be very confusing. To begin with, you have to realize that you really only have one choice in this life, and it’s not about your career, whom you want to marry, or whether you want to seek God. People tend to burden themselves with so many choices. But, in the end, you can throw it all away and just make one basic, underlying decision: Do you want to be happy, or do you not want to be happy? It’s really that simple. Once you make that choice, your path through life becomes totally clear.

Most people don’t dare give themselves that choice because they think it’s not under their control. Someone might say, “Well, of course I want to be happy, but my wife left me.” In other words, they want to be happy, but not if their wife leaves them. But that wasn’t the question. The question was, very simply, “Do you want to be happy or not?” If you keep it that simple, you will see that it really is under your control. It’s just that you have a deep-seated set of preferences that gets in the way.

Let’s say you’ve been lost and without food for days, and you finally find your way to a house. You can hardly make it to the doorstep, but you manage to pull yourself up and knock on the door. Somebody opens the door, looks at you and says, “Oh my God! You poor thing! Do you want something to eat? What would you like?” Now the truth is, you really don’t care what they give you. You don’t even want to think about it. You just utter the word “food.” And because you really mean it when you say you need food, it no longer has anything to do with your mental preferences.

The same goes for the question about happiness. The question is simply “Do you want to be happy?” If the answer is really yes, then say it without qualifying it. After all, what the question really means is “Do you want to be happy from this point forward for the rest of your life, regardless of what happens?”

Now, if you say yes, it might happen that your wife leaves you, or your husband dies, or the stock market crashes, or your car breaks down on an open highway at night. Those things might happen between now and the end of your life. But if you want to walk the highest spiritual path, then when you answer yes to that simple question, you must really mean it. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It’s not a question of whether your happiness is under your control. Of course it’s under your control. It’s just that you don’t really mean it when you say you’re willing to stay happy. You want to qualify it. You want to say that as long as this doesn’t happen, or as long as that does happen, then you’re willing to be happy. That’s why it seems like it is out of your control. Any condition you create will limit your happiness. You simply aren’t going to be able to control things and keep them the way you want them.

You have to give an unconditional answer. If you decide that you’re going to be happy from now on for the rest of your life, you will not only be happy, you will become enlightened. Unconditional happiness is the highest technique there is. You don’t have to learn Sanskrit or read any scriptures. You don’t have to renounce the world. You just have to really mean it when you say that you choose to be happy. And you have to mean it regardless of what happens. This is truly a spiritual path, and it is as direct and sure a path to Awakening as could possibly exist. Once you decide you want to be unconditionally happy, something inevitably will happen that challenges you. This test of your commitment is exactly what stimulates spiritual growth. In fact, it is the unconditional aspect of your commitment that makes this the highest path. It’s so simple.

by Michael A. Singer Copyright ©2007 Excerpt from Chapter 15 of “The Untethered Soul – The Journey Beyond Yourself.”

Read “Happiness, Freedom, and Independence: ‘I don’t know what will make me happy.'”

Read “Fantasies: ‘All I want is a Lamborghini! Then I’d be happy.'”

Minimizing:
“He didn’t mean to hurt me. He just pushed me a little too hard.”

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"Bounteous" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire


While some people tend to catastrophize, others inappropriately minimize significant actions making them seem unimportant. They refuse to see negative or desirable qualities in their partners or in themselves in order to protect their attachment to their partner, no matter how destructive that attachment may be.

A relationship becomes truly toxic when both partners are minimizers, but each in a different way. The abusive partner downplays his (or her) own misconduct and fallibilities, and denies responsibility in an attempt to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. He belittles his partner’s desirable qualities in an attempt to keep her dependent and make her feel worthless and incapable of finding a better relationship.

On the other hand, the abused partner makes light of verbal or physical abuse because she (or he) fears losing her partner. The longer the abuse continues, the more her self-esteem suffers, causing her to lose the confidence required to stand up for herself or move out on her own.

Understandably, these two types of minimizers feed into each others’ distorted thinking. Thus, it’s difficult for them to foresee and avert the resulting descent into a nightmarish relationship based on fear and contempt.

To avoid spiraling into a self-reinforcing pattern of oppression and suffering, it’s helpful to check your own tendencies to minimize. If those who tend to demean others start looking for positive traits in their partner, they will discover that their relationship can actually become enjoyable and based on desire rather than dependence.

On the other hand, those who tend to understate their own desirable qualities should beware of allowing this perspective to damage their own self-respect. Verbal abuse should not be minimized as it erodes the mutual respect that is the basis of happy and thriving relationships. Physical abuse should never be overlooked or tolerated, as it is antithetical to love, fulfillment, and life itself.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Contempt: ‘Don’t look at me that way.'”

“That’s what everyone’s pushing me to do.”

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"YES!" — The Blue Angels by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

A person can’t choose wisely for life unless he dares to listen to himself, his own self, at each moment in life.

~Abraham Maslow

If we listen primarily to others, we don’t pay attention to our inner voice.

Our inner experience can guide us in how to engage the world. When we listen to the authentic voice of our heart, we can then ask ourselves if what we are doing is meaningful or if we should take steps to change our lives.

To get beyond our impulse to succumb to outside pressure, it helps to slow down the pace of our thoughts and become more mindful of the present moment. Self-awareness requires listening to our thoughts with curiosity rather than judgment.

We may find that some of our choices directed toward avoiding suffering may in fact be inflicting greater suffering. For example, excessive accommodation of others, busyness, and addictive behavior are automatic responses rather than intentional choices. We will discover that a deeper sense of awareness of ourselves will reward us with a deeper sense of happiness.

Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

~Howard Thurman

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “What is there to be cheerful about?”

“I need to eliminate all stress from my life.”

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"In the Loop" — Jim Furyk by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Is it healthier to have stress or no stress in your life?

It depends. As you would expect, longevity and well-being tend to be greater for those with less stress in their lives rather than more stress but no control over it. Studies found clear signs of accelerated aging in those who reported the least control over their lives.

Surprisingly, however, you tend to live the longest, feel happiest, and have the strongest immune system when you DO have stress if it is under your control rather than if you have practically no stress at all. Stress causes cortisol, and having too little cortisol can be just as unhealthy as having too much. Active participation in directing your life with its inherent difficulties turns out to be better than passive acceptance of an easy life or helplessness in face of a difficult life.

Life is rarely stress-free because it requires us to deal with the unknown. However, the more practice we get in handling the unknown, the more confidently we can approach life. The same holds true for hardships; the more actively we endeavor to handle hardships, the greater our ability to take appropriate action in the future.

A good anti-aging tip, therefore, is to only focus on difficulties you can do something about. Taking control requires taking positive steps to deal with challenges, not simply ignoring them and suppressing the resulting stress. Such steps include
~ prioritizing your life,
~ changing your situation,
~ changing your perspective, and — just as important —
~ relieving the mounting tension in healthy ways such as exercising, relaxing with friends or family, and developing a sense of humor.

The violin makes its most beautiful resonance only when its strings are under enough tension.

~Charlie Stuart

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Natural Defenses in Preventing and Treating Cancer” by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber.

Read “Oh NO! Not another problem!”

Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD:
Abuse Victim’s New Year Resolutions — “Things will never change.”

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"Resolute" — Tamara McKinney by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life the Desire

New year resolutions are notoriously fragile and ephemeral. But victims of abuse cannot afford this cavalier attitude: their mental — and too often physical — health depends on strictly observing the following promises to
themselves:

1. I will treat myself with dignity and demand respect from others. I will not allow anyone to disrespect me.

2. I will set clear boundaries and make known to others what I regard as permissible and acceptable behavior and what is out of bounds.

3. I will not tolerate abuse and aggression in any form or guise. I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally.

4. I will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs, wishes, and expectations from others. I will not be arrogant — but I will be confident. I will not be selfish and narcissistic — but I will love and care for
myself.

5. I will get to know myself better.

6. I will treat others as I want them to treat me. I will try to lead by way of self-example.

7. If I am habitually disrespected, abused, or if my boundaries are ignored and breached I will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith. Zero tolerance and no second chance will be my maxims of self-preservation.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD — the excellent author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” and other books about personality disorders.