“Lady Liberty” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
It feels good to help someone who’s having problems with another person. However, inserting yourself into a conflict between two people can cause more harm than good. When you find yourself listening to complaints or gossip about someone’s relationship to a third person, you may find yourself being triangulated.
Motivation Continue reading
“Mr. Hole-in-One” Kevin Sorbo by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
When you dread confronting a difficult situation, such as telling your partner you’ve spent too much money, the sooner you face up to it, the better. For some people though, avoidance behavior contributes further to putting off the unpleasant task. Avoidance behavior includes distraction, escape behavior, procrastination and safety behavior.
Types of Avoidance Behavior
1. Distraction involves busying yourself and your mind with activities or thoughts to avoid confronting a problem — making phone calls, eating, shopping, and social media — basically twittering away your time.
2. Escape behavior consists of contriving a way to physically avoid an anxiety-provoking situation, such as faking an illness. Continue reading
“Symphonic Rejuvenation” by Mimi Stuart ©
“I’m still angry and hurt after my divorce, and I’m taking this out on others and my new guy. How can I stop being so judgmental, critical, and easily triggered?”
Although there is no easy way around feeling critical and judgmental, here are five suggestions on what to work on.
1. Underlying issues
Think about what is underlying those small things that are triggering you. For example, you may be experiencing fear of commitment, fear of being needed or controlled, a desire for more space, or fear of further rejection. Once you figure this out, determine whether the underlying issue can be dealt with. If appropriate, discuss the real issue with your partner.
For example, “Although I love spending time with you, I need some quiet time every day to catch up on work and correspondence / to read / to exercise / to meditate.” Or “I think I’m afraid of being hurt again, so sometimes I lash out to avoid getting too close and then being hurt again. Maybe we should take it a little more slowly.”
Be patient and learn not to react too quickly with criticism or judgment. Make it a habit before responding to take a deep breath while remembering what is important. For example, remind yourself that “Treating others poorly brings out the worst in both me and in others.” This will give you the time and motivation to resist behaving in an ineffective and negative way.
If you need more than the time it takes to breathe deeply, then make it a habit to say, “I need a moment to think about that.”
3. Mental rehearsal
Imagine the situations that are likely to trigger you. Visualize and practice how you would like to respond in those situations. Awareness and practice are key, just as they are in learning a new sport or language.
Through focused intentional practice, effective communication will become easier and you’ll feel better about yourself. The positive effects of your improved responses will reward and foster the improved way of interacting with others.
4. Reflection
Re-assess other aspects of your life. Do you have some ongoing resentment in your life that you are not addressing? Is there another relationship where you feel disrespected? Are your current relationships too accepting of your negativity, which may cause you to show disrespect?
You may find that avoiding a challenge or problem in your life is making you irritable. When you take steps to deal with whatever is oppressing you, you will feel lighter and become less easily aggravated with everyone around you.
5. Improving your life
Take time to look into some new activities and relationships that might interest you. When a person feels stuck, all sorts of little things may become irritating. On the other hand, when a person is excited about a new pursuit or plan in his or her life, little things become less annoying.
When you put in the effort to stop being critical and judgmental, your life and relationships will improve dramatically. When you look for the best in others, they will often respond with the best of themselves.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“Enlightenment” Dalai Lama by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire
Emotions such as fear and anger are signals that warn you to pay attention to your physical surroundings, your situation or your relationships. Appropriate fear and anger often mean that you may be in danger or are being treated unfairly.
When you feel stressed, becoming overwhelmed with emotion is counterproductive to taking appropriate action or communicating with others. So when you experience strong emotions, take a deep breath, and then switch over to your intuition and rational mind to determine what to do next.
Calm down
It is very important to calm down and get centered before you communicate. Otherwise your anxiety and stress will be ineffective and infectious. Your tone of voice will betray you and put the other person on the defensive and prevent you from resolving the situation.
You may need to talk with someone else or take a walk alone to calm your emotions. It may take a few minutes or it may take hours to feel balanced and calm enough to be able to have an effective conversation. In serious situations, such as infidelity or a breakup, it may take days or weeks to get enough handle over your emotions to have an effective conversation.
If someone wants to talk immediately but you need time to feel in control, it is critical that you say that you need to calm down first and to do so. Give a time frame: “I need some time to calm down. Let’s talk in five minutes/after dinner/tomorrow.” Otherwise, if you simply walk away, the other person may feel rejected, abandoned, or ignored and become angry, which is not helpful.
If the other person says, “What do you mean? Let’s talk about it now,” just firmly say, “That’s not going to be productive. I need some time.” Stand firm and don’t be swayed.
Tone of voice
Tone of voice and body language are more important than words. Some research says that they account for 80% of what is communicated. They can convey positive intention, self-control, respect, and self-respect, which will make it more likely that others will listen to you. Or they can communicate weakness, loss of control, and desperation, which can put others on the defensive. Even if you are extremely angry, it is more powerful and effective to show self-control than to let your anger loose.
No judgment
Avoid negative judgment, name-calling, and expressing yourself in a way that makes the other person feel attacked. Keep yourself from exaggerating or listing all the bad things the other person has ever done. Communicating effectively will result in the other person actually listening to you.
You’ll have a more productive conversation if you say, “I waited for 20 minutes. What happened?” than if you exclaim: “You drive me crazy the way you are always late. You are so rude!”
Feelings
Some people tend to control others rather than simply state their own emotions because they don’t want to seem weak or self-oriented. Yet a direct declaration of one’s feelings is powerful, not weak. Rather than attacking the other person, state your own feeling: “I was worried.” “I felt angry.” “I’m disappointed.” “I was sad.” “I felt frustrated.” When you state what you are feeling, no one can reasonably argue with it.
Emotions are not judgments such as, “I feel that you are selfish.” That’s a negative judgment pretending to be a feeling.
It is important not to become identified with or immersed in what your emotions. If you are sad, you can show a little sadness, but don’t fall apart. If you are angry, express the fact that you are angry, but don’t become ballistic.
People who are able to express their emotions without being overwhelmed by them garner more respect and empathy from others. They are also more capable of dealing effectively with the problems being signaled.
Desires and needs
Express what you desire, value, or need. “I would like more intimacy.” “I want a trusting relationship.” “I need support.” “I would like to have more time alone each day.” “I want to pursue my passions.”
Some people don’t like to communicate their needs because they don’t want to appear needy. Yet a direct declaration what you value and want is less manipulative than using blame or guilt trips. Such openness also supports the other person’s autonomy, allowing the other person to choose his or her actions freely.
Needs and desires are general, not tied to a particular person. For example, “I need you to love me more” should be replaced with “I want to be in a relationship with someone who really loves me and expresses it.”
No one can argue against your desires or needs even if they might not fulfill them.
Make a specific positive request
Transform the relationship
If you make repeated reasonable requests and another person repeatedly refuses to accommodate you, that is the other person’s prerogative. However, you should probably change your expectations of the other person and in some cases consider changing the scope of the relationship.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“Imagination”—Einstein by Mimi Stuart ©
Two people with different opinions can have an effective discussion if they listen to each other and speak in a way that will make them likely to be listened to. Here is an effective way to transition to your own point of view:
“Yes, though I see it differently.”
“Yes”
“Yes” shows that you have heard what the other person said. Of course it’s important to actually listen to the other person. “Yes” can be expanded to express what you understand the other person’s viewpoint to be.
For example, “Yes, I see that you think I criticized you.”
“Yes, I understand that you are really angry.”
“Yes, I recognize that she yelled at you.”
Tone
Tone of voice is key. A tone of condescension will cause the other person to bristle. A tone of hostility will cause the other to become defensive. A tone of weakness or victimhood will trigger the bully in the other person. So your tone should express self confidence as well as respect for the other.
“Though I see it differently”
Stating that you see things differently is quite different from saying one of the following:
“You’re wrong.”
“That’s stupid.”
“No, you don’t understand.”
It’s hard for the other person to argue against you simply because you “see things differently.” By approaching a difficult conversation in this way, you can introduce other considerations while keeping the peace.
Your viewpoint
When you express your opinion, use terms such as “I believe,” “I think,” “My experience is,” “I have noticed,” “I want,” or “I need.”
For example, “I believe her anger comes from fear and not knowing how to communicate effectively. So I want to give her a chance.”
“To me, time alone is re-energizing; it’s not about being away from you. I simply need to recharge.”
“I really value compromise. I want to figure out a way to satisfy both of us as best as possible.”
Most discussions involve viewpoints rather than facts. So it’s best to avoid assuming a false dichotomy where only one person is right and the other is wrong. Others are more likely to really listen to you when you use words and body language that show respect and understanding for different points of view.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD