Category Archives: Conflict

Abusive emails from an ex:
“I keep defending myself against never-ending false, accusatory emails from my ex-husband, because I want to stay on good terms.”

Posted on by
Reply
"Tashi" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire

“Tashi” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

While it is admirable that you want to maintain a friendly relationship with your ex, you cannot do so alone; it takes two.

The power of irrational attacks

Insults and lies directed at you are intended to draw you in and get a reaction. This is probably the only form of power he feels he has over you now — trying to hurt you. And he has known you long enough to know just how to do it.

When you hear untrue accusations, it is very tempting to defend yourself, to lay out the truth, and to prove that the opposite is true. Yet people who are verbally abusive are in a state of fear and rage; they are not inclined to be reasonable and logical. You cannot change the way he claims to view things by responding in any way to his hostile accusations.

Don’t feed abuse with your hope

Moreover, if he senses that you can be hooked into argument because you feel you have to persuade him of the truth, he will continue to throw insults and untruths your way. If he senses your desire to be reasonable and on friendly terms, you are continuing to give him the power to hurt you.

You have to give up the hope that he will come to appreciate what you brought to the relationship and what you have enjoyed together. You can still appreciate those things on your own. He may even come to do so down the line, but it will take time. You will not be able to reason with him in the short term.

Being reactive to his anger in the form of arguing on the phone or writing long defending emails spurs him on, like a kid who gets a big reaction when having a temper tantrum. Any hopes that he will become reasonable should be put aside; otherwise, he will continue to lambaste you with abuse.

Disengage

What you can and must do is to disengage. Don’t feed his abusive behavior with your emotional reactions. Ignore the attacks. Don’t engage in any more letters or conversations with him other than for pure practical or legal purposes specific to your separation.

If he calls and starts attacking, you just have to hang up — without yelling or defending yourself. Just say “I have to go.” Or “Let’s talk when you are less emotional and hostile.” CLICK. Or do not take his calls. Do not subject yourself to insults, twisting of the truth, or negativity.

By ignoring accusatory correspondence, you prevent your ex from dis-empowering you with his abuse. No matter how he tries to incite you with falsehoods and attacks, don’t engage, because it triggers his desire to hurt you and engage you, which makes him feel empowered in a very unhealthy way. More importantly, the less time you spend arguing and defending yourself, the less dis-empowered, hurt and angry you will feel.

Stay empowered

This is not to say that you should not pursue what you are legally entitled to. Defending yourself in court is a different matter. Defend yourself in the most effective way. In court, you can count on the presence of a rational third party without a stake in the outcome.

If you have to correspond about practicalities, make your correspondence very brief, neutral and businesslike, without any negative comments. Don’t act scared of him. Any hints of your own defensiveness, fear, or anger reward him.

On again off again charm

Beware. He may suddenly be friendly and you might hope that he’ll give you a ray of sunshine – but the storm still rages. You cannot count on someone who hurls insults and untruths one moment and is friendly the next.

Of course, you can be polite and respectful, but unless there has been a lasting transformation in him, don’t engage in discussions with him, other than brief business-like communication to deal with the logistics of your separation.

Change focus

What you focus on greatly affects how you feel. Thus, it’s important to shift your focus to more positive aspects of your life. Communicate with life-enhancing friends and family. Focus on taking care of yourself, pursuing your interests, helping others in need, and, above all, keeping your perspective and sense of humor.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Dealing with Angry People.”

Read “Minimizing: ‘He didn’t mean to hurt me. He just pushed me a little too hard.’”

Guest Author SAM VAKNIN, PhD:
“I Want Him to Pay a Price for What He Did – Yes: I want REVENGE!”

Posted on by
1

"Mayan Warrior on White" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Mayan Warrior on White” by Mimi Stuart ©

GUEST AUTHOR Sam Vaknin, PhD writes:

The need to seek revenge on wrong- and evil-doers is as ancient as Mankind. But people attempt to address their grievances in three ways:

1. Punitive-moralistic

The aim of this type of vengeance is to restore justice and, with it, the victim’s view of the world as orderly, predictable, and causal. Perpetrators should be punished; victims should be soothed and elevated; and society should publicly acknowledge who is who and mete out opprobrium and succour respectively.

This type of revenge tends to devolve into an obsession (intrusive, uncontrolled thoughts) and compulsion (an irresistible urge to behave in a way that is sometimes inconsistent with one’s values or even true wishes, or incommensurate with one’s skills, needs, long-term interests, capabilities, or wherewithal.) It is unhealthy and, in the long-term, counterproductive as it taxes the victim’s time and resources; adversely affects her other relationships; renders her dysfunctional; and, ultimately, consumes her.

2. Narcissistic

Vindictiveness is the narcissist’s way of restoring his self-imputed grandiosity and of recuperating from a narcissistic injury. Having fallen prey to malfeasance or crime, the narcissist is proven to be gullible, ignorant, and helpless. This experience is humiliating and the circumstances of victimhood contrast sharply with the narcissist’s inflated view of himself as omniscient, omnipotent, brilliant, shrewd, and perfect. Only by bringing the culprit to utter ruin does the narcissist regain his sense of self.

Ask yourself if your bruised ego is the main reason for your indignation and spite. If it is, try to separate the elements of your conduct that have to do with your justified grievance and those that revolve around your unhealthy narcissism. Avoid the latter and pursue the former.

3. Pragmatic-restorative

With this type of revenge, the victim merely wishes to restore her fortunes and reassert her rights – in other words: to revert the world to its erstwhile state by acting against her violator decisively and assertively. This is a healthy, functional, and just way of coping with the pain and damage wrought by other people’s malicious and premeditated misbehaviour.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the excellent Author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited.”

Read Guest Author Sam Vaknin’s “Romantic Jealousy: ‘I can’t think of him/her with another man/woman.’”

GUEST AUTHOR J.C. writes about Alcoholism in the Family
“I’m stressed out because she won’t quit drinking.”

Posted on by
Reply

“Rovinj at Dawn” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Guest Author J.C.,
Founder of “Alcoholics Friend” website, submits this article:

Four Solutions To One Huge Problem – Alcoholism in the Family

If you are looking for a way to get an alcoholic in the family to stop drinking, I don’t have any solutions. What I can do is to point you towards four avenues, which will all lead you to an abundance of peace and serenity.

I cannot force change upon anyone. I can only change myself.

Why should you listen to me?

I grew up with alcoholic parents. Several of my relatives also have a drinking problem. I battled the forces of addiction in myself and have now been sober for over fourteen years. I was married to an alcoholic who also was addicted to controlled substances. I’ve attended thousands of support group meetings within the Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-anon programs.

I know what it is like to be addicted to alcohol and what it is like to be addicted to the substance abuser. I know how to stay sober. I also have learned how to live with and love an alcoholic without conditions. Apply the wisdom that follows and you will be off to making some positive changes in your life.

Four paths to serenity:

1. Letting go of the alcoholic

2. Detachment from the addict

3. Setting boundaries with the substance abuser

4. Stop being an enabler

1. Letting Go:

-Have the things you have been doing to try to control the addict’s behavior had any lasting positive effect on the situation?

-Has anything that you have done made the alcoholic quit drinking?

-Do you find yourself obsessing over their behaviors, 24/7?

-Do you want to have more peace and serenity in your life?

My idea of change is really simple to understand and it is this: let go or be dragged. Changing your behavioral patterns is the most difficult challenge to meet.

Here are a couple of my ideas on how to let go of the substance abuser:

A. Stop invading their private life. Don’t check their email, phone records or mail nor try to listen in on what they are doing behind closed doors.

B. Refrain from checking up on their whereabouts. When the substance abuser is supposed to be at work, don’t call work to see if they are really there. If they haven’t come home when they were supposed to and aren’t answering their phone, discipline yourself to not go searching for them. Avoid going out of your way to see if they are at the bar, a friend’s house, work or any place they are or are not supposed to be.

2. Detachment:

I didn’t realize how enmeshed with the alcoholic I had become until I started participating in the Al-anon program. I was on a wild roller coaster ride of emotions that were solely influenced by the alcoholic’s mood swings.

There are two parts to severing emotional ties to the addict. One is physical detachment. The other is getting them out of our minds.

Here are a couple of effective methods for detaching from the alcoholic:

A. Self Care: List all of the things that you like to do. Pick one and do it. Take time to focus on the things that make you feel good. Attend to your own needs on a daily basis.

B. Free your mind: Don’t allow the addict to rent space in your head. You can “journal” to get things off of your mind. I like to talk to friends from my support group when I am obsessing over the alcoholic. A great way to keep your mind clear is to remember the number one rule: “Never Argue With A Drunk.”

There are two more paths to serenity left to discover. You can go to our website and read about “Setting Boundaries With Alcoholics” and check out our YouTube video called “How To Stop Enabling An Alcoholic.”

by Guest Author J.C.,
Founder of “Alcoholics Friend,” a website that gives guidance to the alcoholic’s family and friends.

___________________________________

Read “Dealing with Angry People.”

Read “Angry Adult Child: ‘The years of terror from my mother has made me make sure that my son knows I love him. I fear, more than anything, his total rejection. HOWEVER, he often seems angry at me.’”

Dealing with Brashness:
“I feel miserable because she has been so short with me.”

Posted on by
2

“Tommy Moe” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Don’t take it personally and do not allow yourself to become miserable! Speak up right away when someone is short with you. Don’t assume others can read your mind, and don’t assume that they are even aware of their own behavior.

If you don’t say anything, the other person may never know that his or her actions and behavior have hurt you. He or she may have been busy, unaware, or distracted. If you don’t speak up, this hurtful behavior is bound to continue, and your disappointment will grow into misery and resentment.

Having a relationship is like skiing a slalom course. You have to stay on your edges instead of being caught flat-footed, adjust your balance, and keep moving forward.

Perhaps you don’t want to complain or be demanding, which is laudable. However, you can express your desires and needs in a rational and friendly way, without being demanding, controlling or critical.

When communicating with someone who is rude or short with you, focus on your attitude and tone of voice to convey a sense of self-respect. If possible have compassion for the other person as well.

You could say for instance, “You may not be aware of this but when I talk to you, you usually sound busy and are short with me. It’s affecting the way I feel about you. I’d like us to take the time to treat each other well and with respect.”

If, after repeated discussions about the issue, the person continues to be short and rude without apologizing, it may be time to get counseling or to limit the scope of the relationship.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Intimacy vs. Agreement: ‘I better not disagree with his point of view, or he’ll get upset.’”

Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD
Romantic Jealousy:

“I can’t think of him/her with another man/woman.”

Posted on by
Reply

“K’ayab'” Mayan Collection by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Pathological envy is not the same as romantic jealousy. These two emotions have little to do with each other.

Romantic jealousy is the product of a violation of trust; a breach of romantic exclusivity of intimacy; and a denial of possession. It also involves damage to the self-esteem and self-perception of the cuckolded spouse, as he compares himself unfavourably to the “competition”: the affair is perceived to be an overall rejection of the cheated partner.

But there’s much more to it when it comes to narcissists.

Romantic jealousy is a narcissistic defence. It reflects the narcissistic traits and behaviors of possessiveness; objectification (treating the spouse and regarding her as an object); and extension (treating the spouse and regarding her as an extension of oneself: devoid of autonomy, personality, needs, wishes, and emotions). Thus, the spouse’s cheating (as in infidelity) is perceived by the narcissist to be tantamount to a violation of and an encroachment on his self, or, more simply put: it amounts to a major narcissistic injury.

Exactly like non-narcissists, narcissists are humiliated by having been lied to; suffer abandonment anxiety; compare themselves with the spouse’s new paramour; and feel deprived when the “services” of the unfaithful spouse are no longer available to them (a denial of service which may encompass sex, emotional intimacy, house chores, companionship, or any other function.)

But, in the narcissist, the violation of trust provokes full-scale and raging paranoia (where else lurks deceit?); the breach of exclusivity threatens the aforementioned narcissistic enmeshment; and the denial of possession translates to an overwhelming fear of loss and to crippling abandonment anxiety. Some narcissists even begin to display codependent behaviors, such as clinging, in a desperate attempt to regain their control over the doomed relationship.

Additionally, the narcissist’s self-perception as unique, perfect, omnipotent, and omniscient – in short: his False Self – is threatened and challenged by his spouse’s affair. If he is, indeed, unique and perfect – why did his spouse stray? If he is omnipotent – how did he fail to prevent the transgression? And if he is omniscient – how come he was the last to know about his wife’s fling, or, worse, her long-term illicit liaison?

Narcissists are, consequently, even romantically jealous of intimate partners their spouse has had before the marriage and after the divorce. Some narcissists, realizing that they cannot control their spouses forever, become swingers or engage in group sex, where they feel that, by bringing adultery home, they have “tamed” and “controlled” it. If you can’t beat it – join it, as the saying goes.

Romantic jealousy is a warning sign to be heeded and a worrisome red flag. Use the “Volatility Threshold” and “Threat Monitoring” instruments (see my previous articles) to shield yourself from its inevitable outcomes.

The “Volatility Threshold” tool is a compilation of 1-3 types of behaviours that you consider “deal-breakers” in your partner. Observe him and add up the number of times he had misbehaved. Decide in advance how many “strikes” would constitute a “deal-breaker” and when he reaches this number – simply leave. Do not share with him either the existence or the content of this “test” lest it might affect his performance and cause him to playact and prevaricate.

The “Threat Monitoring” tool is comprised of an inventory of warning signs and red flags that, in your view and from your experience, herald and portend an extreme and danerous attack of romantic jealousy. In general, try to act as though you were a scientist: construct alternative hypotheses (interpretations of behaviours and events) to account for what you regard as transgressions and bad omens. Test these hypotheses before you decide to end it all with a grand gesture, a dramatic exit, or a decisive finale. This “scientific” approach to your intimate relationship has the added benefit of mitigating your anxiety.

Early on you should confer with your intimate partner and inform him of what, to you, constitutes unacceptable behavior: what types of conduct he should avoid and what modes of communication he should eschew. You should both agree on protocols of communication: rules of conduct, fears, needs, triggers, wishes, boundaries, requests, priorities, and preferences should all be shared on a regular basis and in a structured and predictable manner. Remember: structure, predictability, even formality are great antidotes to pernicious miscommunication.

But there is only that much that you can do. Your partner may require therapy. If push comes to shove (for instance: if he becomes violent, or paranoid) insist on it. If he adamantly refuses to help himself – don’t delude yourself into thinking that you can do it for him.

By Sam Vaknin, PhD, Author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited,” a comprehensive analysis of narcissism and abusive relationships.

Read “Jealous Partner: ‘How can you be so jealous! You’re being ridiculous.’”

Read Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD’s “I Can’t Live Without Him/Her.”