“I’d be happy to consider doing that for you if you would speak to me respectfully.”
Unfortunately people close to you may need to be reminded to be polite if they begin to take you for granted.
Why would anyone be motivated to help someone who is being rude? While it’s appropriate to be upset and important to stop the disrespectful behavior, there is no need to overreact. Calling someone a name and being demeaning yourself will only aggravate the situation.
You are more likely to change the relationship dynamic if you keep your cool while giving the other person an opportunity to show his or her better side.
It’s natural to want emotional contact with your partner or friend. If you find it difficult to get his attention, you might start feeling ignored. To break through his indifference, you might say something meant to get his attention. The easiest way to get someone’s attention is provoking him by saying something surprising or antagonistic.
If you say, “Hey, I just wanted to talk,” your partner will probably nonchalantly say, “I’m busy right now.” But if you say, “We haven’t done anything fun together in three years!” or “My old boyfriend invited me to have a drink,” you are more than likely to get your partner’s attention. The problem is this might not be the best way to get his attention.
Arguing does serve a purpose. Conflict is a painful way to balance two human drives—the desires for emotional contact and autonomy. Arguing compels someone to respond emotionally while promoting self assertion. Yet arguing is not the most satisfying or effective form of human discourse.
Balancing autonomy and connection
If you find yourself frequently wanting another person’s attention, here are some things to consider. There should be a balance between quality time spent together and the pursuit of separate activities, whether work, passions, friends or other interests. The ideal balance is different for every couple, and for each individual within a relationship. A balance is something that has to be negotiated between the partners, negotiated in an open, frank, and reasonable way. Sometimes two individuals have such difference needs that there can be no balance that makes both partners happy. In general, however, a loving relationship thrives when the individuals have separate thoughts, emotions, and interests, and there is a consistent effort to enjoy each others’ company on a regular basis.
So ask yourself whether you are being too needy. Make sure that you are not simply wanting an unreasonable amount of attention, in which case you should perhaps find some other activities to fill some of your time.
How to talk to your partner
If the two of you are truly spending very little time together, it may be time to have a reasonable talk with your partner and find a way for the relationship to be nurtured. It’s important that you are calm and emotionally separate when you speak. When you are emotionally separate from another person, you don’t need to become angry to get that person’s attention. You don’t need dramatic expressions of self-assertion to express your desire to spend more time together. You can do so with some gravity but without becoming manipulative, hostile or needy.
First you can tell your partner that it’s important for you to talk about your needs in the relationship and ask when he has 10 minutes to do so. Don’t engage in guilt trips, manipulate or whine. Show no resentment. Confidence and a positive attitude can be irresistible and show that you have the self-respect to engage on a mature level. Be confident, uplifting and matter of fact. Demonstrate that you support his passions, but emphasize that the relationship is important to you and that there is a necessity for balance and for nourishing that relationship. Ask if he is willing to spend more enjoyable time together on a regular basis. Then ask him what he’s willing to do to keep the relationship strong. If he cannot find the time, then you will know where you and the relationship stand.
People who become volatile in close relationships often do so as a result of taking other people’s behavior too personally. Other people’s words and actions generally reflect their own psychological state, including their personal perspective, fears, desires, and insecurities. When you realize that their actions are generally a reflection of themselves more than their attitude toward you, it will be easier for you to retain your emotional control.
Suppose that your new girlfriend is upset because she couldn’t get in touch with you. Before going on the defensive, you may want to find out what is motivating her strong reaction. She may have been lied to and cheated on by a previous boyfriend. Knowing this should cause you to see that she is not accusing you, but responding out of fear from a past experience. So give her the benefit of the doubt.
Listen first.
When people don’t feel listened to, they tend to get more adamant and angry, and try even harder to make sure their point gets across.
There are two benefits to listening to the other person fully before reacting. First, you’ll find out what’s really motivating the other person and you’ll avoid jumping to conclusions. Second, the angry person will let off steam, and be able to listen to you once the bottled-up emotions have been vented. Sometimes, simply listening is enough to diffuse and change the whole situation.
Once you have listened, paraphrase what you’ve heard so the other person knows that he or she has been heard and understood.
Stay calm.
Avoid attacking the other person when you explain the situation from your point of view. You will be much more effective for two reasons. First, the other person is more likely to listen to you if you are not angry, condescending or passive-aggressive. Second, you won’t seem defensive. Defensiveness telegraphs to others that you lack self-control or feel guilty. In essence, emotional volatility broadcasts to others that you are too weak to stay in control of yourself.
Once you see how much more effective you are when you stay calm, you’ll find that it will become easier to resist the impulse to be emotionally triggered. Keep in mind that you will feel more self-empowered and appear more confident to others when you stay centered. As a result, others will take you more seriously and respect you more.
Practice!
Psycho-drama is the most effective way to prepare for those situations that trigger you. Think up situations that have triggered you in the past or that are likely to trigger you in the future. Figure out how you would be most effective responding in such situations. Then practice your response—your choice of words, body language, and tone of voice—until it becomes natural without a hint of sneering or whining. You can practice with a friend or in front of the mirror. It helps to have a friend give you feed back and help you eliminate the meekness in your voice or contempt in your demeanor so that you will become powerful and effective.
When someone drives you crazy, yet you can’t stand the idea of being apart, then you are probably too emotionally fused with that person. This is also known as being codependent. Emotional fusion creates two paradoxical feelings—a need for more emotional contact and a desire to get away. An emotionally-fused relationship becomes infused with contrary feelings of being trapped, controlled, and smothered, and being isolated, unsupported, and unloved.
The problem is that neither partner can maintain his or her sense of identity and groundedness in the presence of the other. Both people take everything personally and become reactive by withdrawing coldly or picking a fight. They swing between attack and capitulation. Bitterness and frustration cause them to withdraw from each other, but when apart, they feel unbalanced and empty. Any connection at this point, even bitter fighting, makes them feel more alive than when alone.
To resolve the anguish of emotional fusion, individuals need to become more highly-differentiated, that is, emotionally separate, and therefore, less reactive.
Differentiation will
1. permit you to get intensely involved with another person—emotionally, intellectually, physically—without becoming infected with the other person’s anxiety, and
2. eliminate the need to withdraw from or control the other person to modulate your own emotional well-being.
Ironically, becoming more emotionally objective and separate allows you to become more intimate. Although you may think that falling apart with anxiety shows that you care, it is actually a self-centered and ineffective way to respond to your own anxiety. It causes people to focus more on you instead of the problem at hand.
Someone who is differentiated may care just as deeply or more so about another person or a difficult situation but is able to contain his or her emotions. This allows a person to bring rationality and wisdom to the a situation rather than simply cause more anxiety that spirals out of control.
Even if only one person becomes less reactive, the situation will improve.
While you want to be considerate of those close to you, you do not want to be excessively worried about their reactions. True intimacy means you can express yourself, your thoughts, and your emotions freely and deeply without emotional manipulation. When you retain some objectivity and stay calm in the face of another person’s anxiety, you can grow emotionally and intellectually, often enticing the other person to do the same.
Underlying most controlling behavior is a fear of being left alone, physically or emotionally. A person’s reactivity and possessiveness is often driven by anxiety and fear of abandonment.
The problem is that we can never be fully united in thought and feeling with another person. In fact, the more we try to possess another person or allow ourselves to be controlled, the more we squeeze the magic out of the relationship.
Once we genuinely accept our existential separation from others, we can enjoy the connection we have more fully, however fleeting it may be. Then we can be truly loving without becoming controlling and possessive.
Responding to a controlling person
If you are in a relationship with a controlling partner who is trying to coerce you into not doing something you want to do, such as visiting your sister, you can choose to respond in the following ways:
Accommodate—You don’t go visit your sister, but you will feel disappointed, angry, disempowered, and resentful for not going.
Rebel—You vehemently declare that you’re going anyway, but your partner will try to punish you with his anger.
Differentiate—You are considerate while maintaining your self-respect. You tell him you’ll miss him and you’re sorry he’ll be lonely, but it’s really important for you to spend some time with your sister. Or, you could that say you’d really like to see your sister, but that he is welcome to join you if he can get away. If your partner continues to be angry about your decision, you can show compassion to a point, but you should not allow yourself to be manipulated by his fear or anger. Stand firm albeit with compassion, but without becoming defensive.
Intimacy requires freedom
It sounds paradoxical that intimacy and passion can deepen as we accept our separateness and stop controlling others or allowing ourselves to be controlled. Yet a relationship based on respect requires letting go of fear and control. By breaking away from control and possessiveness, we can allow a little unpredictability and excitement back into the relationship.
Passion is based on the feeling of being alive, alert and excited in the midst of the unknown. By respecting another person’s autonomy and embracing the associated anxiety, we can enhance excitement, desire, and passion in our relationship with that person.
As we face and accept our own existential separateness, our tolerance for being alone increases. In addition, our disappointment in others diminishes, because we relinquish unrealistic expectations that our partners will save us from ourselves.
