Category Archives: Communication

“No one ever helps me with the dishes.”

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"Impact - Out of the Sand Trap" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Live you Desire

Try saying with a positive tone of voice, “It would be great if you could help with the dishes.” People generally like to help, IF they feel they will be appreciated for helping, NOT if guilt is used to get them to help. If your request doesn’t work, then add, “I really need your help right now. Please help me do the dishes.” Sound friendly, but not meek.

If this is a daily problem, plan ahead and ask, “Who wants to chop vegetables and set the table, and who wants to wash the dishes?”

If none of this works because your family dynamics are too entrenched, you may think about buying paper plates or going out to eat on your own. Just say, “I’m pretty overwhelmed with work and will treat myself to no dishes.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I never get to go skiing anymore.”

“Don’t you love me?”

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"The Kiss" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

No, please don’t ask that! If you have to ask, then at least say, “I know you’re crazy about me,” or “Tell me all the reasons you love me,” but say it with confidence and a smile in your eyes.

The question “Don’t you love me?” sounds needy and weak. You’ll probably get a “Yes, of course I do,” but it won’t be very satisfying, because the yearning and deprivation behind the question act as elements of coercion. There’s a sense of “You better answer ‘yes’, because if you don’t soothe my doubts, I’ll fall apart and then you’ll really have to take care of me.”

It’s human nature to be put off by neediness. Ironically, the very people who want so much to be desired and loved cause others to lose desire for them by their yearning. Instead of pressuring someone to validate you, it’s healthier to accept and validate yourself. It takes will-power, self-awareness, and a lot of practice standing on your own. While it may be tough to resist asking for validation and love, you’ll become stronger as well as more desirable to others.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

Getting off the phone:
“I can never get off the phone with certain people who seem to talk forever.”

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"Over the Top" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

It can be hard to get off the phone with big talkers because you don’t want to hurt their feelings and you don’t want to interrupt. While you don’t have to hurt their feelings, you might have to interrupt. If you’re not using caller ID and you get hooked in, simply break into the conversation and say, “Let’s talk when I’m off work.” Or, “Can we talk on Tuesday?” Or, “I’d love to talk to you after finishing this project/feeding the kids/tomorrow/OR…maybe in three years.”

When you’re able to get off the phone quickly, easily and politely, then you won’t dread it when you hear the phone ring. If some people still don’t understand that you have different priorities and that your time is valuable, then you can’t worry too much about possibly offending them. They need to get the message that you are not available for ongoing venting and chit chat.

If you get hooked in on a repeated basis, you’re sending the message that you are available as an auditory receptacle. Simply interject, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got a lot of work to do. Take care. Have a great day.” CLICK.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Setting Boundaries.”

Jealous Partner:
“How can you be so jealous! You’re being ridiculous.”

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"Wailing Sax" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

A jealous partner may have experienced abandonment in his or her life and be easily triggered. Getting angry won’t help the situation.

Try to have compassion. “You sound jealous. I want you to know you are the most important person to me. There is nobody else and there is nobody who compares.”

If jealousy continues to be an ongoing problem without any basis to it, tell the jealous person that the suspicions are hurtful and are causing you to feel defensive and to want to withdraw, and that is not good for the relationship. Ask her to focus on her desires and not her fears in the relationship. Try to be understanding in that this is about her insecurity. While being considerate and reassuring, don’t start constricting your life to pander to her fears, if they are unreasonable.

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Control Kills Passion.”

“He’s such a caveman! Same old Disappointment on Valentine’s Day.”

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"Rattlesnake Shake " Rick Vito by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Disappointment on Valentine’s Day, whether you’re with a “caveman” or not in a relationship, reminds us to reflect on our expectations. The media’s extravagant marketing and movie moments create unrealistic expectations on both men and women. There’s no way to live up to those cinematic dramatics, at least not without set decorators and a film crew.

No single person has it all. Individuals who plan fabulous banners declaring their unrequited love emblazoned on the side of the Goodyear blimp may be lacking in other desirable qualities. Those exciting, full-of-surprise types may end up sending exotic Brazilian flowers dripping with diamonds to someone else next year—Surprise! So appreciate your caveman.

Life is too short to waste time wishing that your partner knew what your private fantasy was. Yet, if your idea of Valentine’s Day or any day is important to you, instead of playing a guessing game, suggest what you want. Say, “I’d love to be surprised one night by…” Or you can make your particular fantasy happen yourself. If you can’t fly off to Paris, then set the table with a checked cloth and enjoy some wine at home. If you don’t have a partner, you can still embrace romance and have fun with a relative or friends by creating and enjoying an evening of intimate ambiance together.

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”