Category Archives: Communication

“You never listen!”

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"Yakity Sax" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Ask yourself why the other person might not be listening. Perhaps you need to preface your discussion with “Hey Bob, I’d like to get your opinion on something. Is now a good time?” Or “Alexa, I need to talk to you. Do you have five minutes?”

Communicate clearly what you’d like from the other person: their opinion, an action, an answer to a question, sympathy, or a listening ear.

You may also want to look at how you might be contributing to the pattern. Are you talking much more than half the time? Are you filling up empty space? Are you complaining a lot?

Perhaps it’s time for a silent meditation or a counseling session so that you can learn what’s underneath all the words that are being ignored. For example, are you looking for a connection that just can’t be realistically met by another person?

Something vital may be underlying the attempted and failed communication. Once you find out what that is, you may not need to perpetuate your frustrated attempts at being heard.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Respect each other: ‘He’s always talking down to me.’”

“No, don’t bring John to my party. He’s loud and obnoxious.”

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"Course Correction" Paula Creamer by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If a friend wants to bring someone to your party that you don’t care for, you don’t have to say “yes.” If you are going to feel resentful about having that person at your house, that’s a sign that you should say “no.”

There’s no reason to be negative and judgmental though. That would simply put your friend on the defensive.

Keep it positive and limit yourself to “I” statements: “I just want to have close friends at my party. I’d really like you to come, but I’m not that close to John. Sorry to disappoint you.” Or, “There are a lot of people coming already. I’d rather not invite anyone else. Sorry. But I hope YOU can make it.”

Light, upbeat, and guilt-free is best!

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Setting Boundaries.”

Read “Getting off the phone with people who talk forever.”

“When friends ask me to go out to eat, I’m embarrassed that I can’t afford to right now.”

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"One Enchanted Evening" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire

If you feel embarrassed about your financial difficulties, other people are more likely to feel embarrassed for you as well.

However, there’s nothing to feel awkward about. In this rough economy many people are in a similar situation. Remember, it used to be considered a virtue to have good judgment and to refrain from incurring unnecessary expenses. Now again, it’s becoming embarrassing to flaunt one’s money or to have a lot when others don’t.

See the movie “The Company Men” (or rent it when it comes out) and notice the attitude of Ben Affleck’s wife as she deals with their financial challenges. She employs common sense and a positive attitude, but does not hide behind false pride or shame. Pretense that “everything’s great” when it’s not and shame are what prevent real intimacy between friends.

Adopt a neutral demeanor, and simply say, “I’d love to get together. But right now, I need to be cautious with my finances. Let’s have dinner at my house. Or let’s go for a hike.”

We can have the most enjoyable times together without spending money. It’s the laughter, conversation, and sense of adventure that inspire the greatest moments with our friends.

Look at it as an opportunity to ignite ideas for some special times together that make eating out seem, well, pedestrian!

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I can’t afford to buy my kids what all their friends have.”

“I can’t stand it when people talk over me.”

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"Oblique Motion" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

When you deal with someone who interrupts a lot, you need to learn how to keep talking anyway, without being angry, sullen, or hurt. Or you can say, “Wait! wait! I’m not done…” and then continue with your story.

There’s no need to give an evil glare and announce, “You’re interrupting me again.” That puts you in the critical parent role and the interrupter in the scolded child role—a combination, which leads to hurt, anger, and embarrassment.

Instead, interrupt back in a passionate way, showing that you’re excited about what you’re saying. Of course, you want to make sure that the other person gets a chance to talk too.

People differ greatly in how comfortable they are interrupting in order to get a word into a conversation. In Italy, you will never be heard unless you’re willing to jump in to make your voice heard because several will be talking simultaneously. People who have been raised in quieter, more “polite” environments can benefit from learning to assert themselves around enthusiastic conversationalists.

On the other hand, passionate interrupters might benefit by exercising patience and listening skills. But you’ll need to interrupt assertively to suggest something like that.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I can never get off the phone.”

Read “Conversation and Active Listening: ‘It seems like I do all the talking.’”

When Others are Angry:
“I can’t deal with my husband’s anger, even though his anger’s about someone at work. I just walk away.”

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"Sound Wave" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you can’t handle being in the room when your spouse is angry, then leaving might be necessary. But try not to walk away without an explanation, or he might feel rejected or abandoned. Explain that you feel overwhelmed by the force and volume of his voice, even though you know he’s not angry at you. Tell him that you want to hear what’s going on his life at work, when he’s calmer.

It is important to let your spouse know that although his anger may be justified, that his angry energy and loud tone of voice make you feel apprehensive and upset, as though he’s angry at you. On the other hand, consider whether you are perhaps overly sensitive to any display of anger, in which case you might want to work on thickening your skin and resilience.

Should you have compassion for someone who is angry? Absolutely, even though it may not be easy. It helps to see through the anger to the underlying hurt or fear that’s fueling that anger. When you see the vulnerability underneath, it’s much harder to take anger personally, even if it were aimed at you.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Dealing with Angry People.”

Read “Being Firm with a Sensitive Child.”