"Piacevole" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“Take your time and let’s enjoy this wonderful meal!”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“Stop wolfing down your food!”
Reply
Category Archives: Communication
Helpful vs. Intrusive:
“Stay away from my child, I don’t want you to help her and then say bad things about me!”
"Off-Road Rumble" Juliana Furtado by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Helpful people are usually well-intentioned, sympathetic, and aware of the needs of others. They take pride in and draw strength from their ability to comfort and nurture others and are able to do so with ease.
Being helpful can be a wonderful quality. However, when the need to contribute becomes over-reaching, it becomes unhealthy and intrusive. A strong desire to help often arises from a need to feel needed in order to feel worthwhile. Wanting to be needed sometimes leads a person to become overly-involved, meddling, and manipulative in other people’s lives.
This relationship became unhealthy when an attempt was made to create an alliance with your daughter by weakening her relationship with you. This undermines your relationship with your daughter and causes more suffering rather than helping your family.
It’s important to insist on boundaries for you and your daughter. The most effective and compassionate way to do so would be to acknowledge the adult’s desire to be helpful, and then to clearly state what you want.
You might say, “I appreciate your desire to help my daughter. But when you say negative things about me, that hurts us both. We need to work things out in our own way. So for the time being, it would be most helpful if you gave her some space. Please don’t discuss me or our lives with her.”
You might also tell your child that when people try to establish a connection by demeaning someone else, everyone suffers. Tell her that if this occurs again, she can say, “It makes me uncomfortable when you say negative things about my mom. You better talk to her directly.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“I’ve told you kids a thousand times to say “Thank you, #!*%*!!”
"The Blue Bird's Song" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Kids need to be reminded thousands of times to say “Please” and “Thank you.” The fact that they don’t remember does not mean that they are obtuse or rude. It’s simply a steep learning curve to say these extra words when the very same parents excitedly gave them exactly what they wanted when they cried as infants or demanded something as toddlers.
Children feel more and more entitled when their parents don’t require enough of them. Yet, getting angry at even the rudest children will not help them remember to be polite. We have to keep reminding kids to be polite without harshly demanding, “Say “Thank you #!*%*!!”
Brain wiring requires constant repetition as well as appropriate consequences. Holding back the dessert or dinner for a moment and saying, “Show a little appreciation” or “Say ‘Thank you'” with a smile helps remind them. Give them what they want only once they say “Please.” So, when they say, “Can I have another cookie?” you could simply pause and raise your eyebrows quizzically until they add, “Please.”
Also keep letting them know that when they are thankful, it makes you WANT to cook for them, drive them to town, and help them with their homework again.
Developing gratitude in children increases their awareness of other people. Rather than remaining like infants where the world revolves around them, they start recognizing the effort that others make to improve their lives. This in turn makes them able to connect with others from a less egocentric standpoint, and allows them to lead happier, more meaningful lives.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Four ways to handle gossip:
“Oh no, I’m trapped by her gossiping again!”
"The Siren's Song" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
A little bit of gossip may be healthy when its purpose is to spread good news, to gain insight, or to protect a friend from harm. However, when spreading rumors only serves to get attention or malign someone, it brings everyone down and often indicates that the gossiper is not comfortable in his or her own skin.
When you feel yourself being lured into malicious gossip, spurring the perpetrator on with curiosity, agreement, and questions can lead to a conversation that will make you feel uncharitable and mean-spirited afterwards. Here are some ways to handle the conversation:
1. Change the Subject: “How’s your work going?” This is the easiest way to handle gossip.
2. Devil’s Advocate: “Let’s take a look at it from Jane’s side.” People who gossip are often used to getting others’ attention and agreement. They might be taken aback, and stop, if you defend the person being slandered.
3. Innuendo: “Let’s talk about something more positive and decide what we’re going to do this afternoon.” These statements imply disapproval, but are softened with an alternative topic of discussion.
4. Direct: “I feel uncomfortable listening to negative judgments and rumors about people unless we’re trying to help them.” This is direct and can be said to people who can handle honest criticism, or when gossip is particularly malicious.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Watch “Distinguishing Harmless from Malicious Gossip.”
Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”
“I’m shocked at how much I criticize my Dad for letting other people walk all over him and for not standing up for himself.”
"Bicicletas para Acquilar" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
I suspect your dad’s behavior stems from a deep belief that he is not worthy of being cared for and loved. Feelings of inadequacy often result when a person never received real affection or acknowledgement from their own parents. People who have in their own mind “disappointed” their parents often set themselves up to perpetuate the cycle of disappointing others.
The intention behind your criticism seems to be the positive desire that your dad become self-empowered. To convey to him that he should have faith in himself and deserves more, you probably express yourself with passion.
However, passionate encouragement can be taken the wrong way. The words are meant to be convincing and uplifting: “You deserve better. Stop letting people walk all over you!” Yet, the vigor of the remarks may be heard by him as one more example of how he disappoints others: “You’re always disappointing me. You’re never good enough.” Although there is some truth to both parts of the message, the latter part exacerbates the vicious cycle of inadequacy.
Often, the most compelling thing we can do, particularly with adult relatives, is to accept them without trying to change them, warts and all. Being kind and having a sense of humor—not the mean sarcastic type—are often the best ways to show love and acceptance.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “I feel so critical of my partner. I can’t help pointing out every flaw.”