Category Archives: Communication

Facial Expressions: “She says I frown all the time. That’s just me.”

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"Pleasure" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Your tone of voice, facial expressions, and words reflect your attitude about yourself, the person you’re talking to, and life in general.

Brain research shows that changing your facial expression actually makes you feel different—smiling makes you feel happier, frowning makes you feel angrier, gestures like sighing make you feel more hopeless. Not only does how you feel affect your facial expressions, but your facial expressions affect how you feel.

Research shows that if you watch a movie holding a pen across your mouth causing you to engage some of the smile muscles, you will think the movie is funnier than those who watched the movie without the pen. Simply smiling—even artificially—releases chemicals in the brain that make you feel happier—try it!

I’m not advocating walking around with a fake smile on your face. But it can’t hurt to become aware of your facial expressions and people’s reactions to them. Becoming aware of scowling, grimacing, or sneering allows you to choose to change your expression, and to some degree, the way you and others will feel.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Don’t look at me that way!”

“Where on earth have you been? You haven’t called me in such a long time!”

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"Spirit in Space" John Herrington by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“It’s great to see you. What have you been up to…any good adventures?”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Were you out on the golf course again? I’ve been here alone all afternoon!”

“You’re so irritable! Why don’t you go TAKE A HIKE and cool off!”

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"Granite Chief, Squaw Valley" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

When people are irritable, give them the benefit of the doubt. There may be a good reason for the way they feel.

For example, ask the troubled person, “Did something happen at work?” or “You seem upset. Is there anything I can do for you?”

Sometimes, just a bit of compassion is all that’s needed to restore a person’s equilibrium. Tone of voice and good intentions are key, as surly people can and will read criticism into anything.

If they remain grumpy, give them some space. If they become rude, let them know that their attitude is affecting you. You’re not doing yourself or them any good by allowing them to treat you badly. You’re merely encouraging disrespectful behavior, which makes both of you feel worse.

Try not to become rude yourself. Give them some time alone and say something like, “When you’re this irritable, it makes me feel miserable too. I’m going to give you some space. I hope you feel better and can speak to me more respectfully in a little while.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Anger: I can’t deal with my husband’s anger.”

Sarcasm: “You can carry it yourself. Your arms aren’t broken.”

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"Dauntless" Lope's Hope by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Sarcastic people often hide behind the excuse of “I was just being funny.” Humor makes people laugh, but sarcasm does not.

The word comes from the Greek “sarkasmos” meaning “to tear flesh, gnash the teeth, and speak bitterly.” Sarcasm signifies “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.” Contempt communicates the feeling that the other is unworthy of respect. It’s no longer so funny when someone treats you as though you are unworthy of respect.

People often use sarcasm because they have been treated poorly themselves, which creates a desire to retaliate by making other people feel foolish. Thus, the miserable cycle of biting cynicism fuels itself.

Sarcastic people have often been taught to feel uncomfortable talking about such unmanly things as feelings, needs and desires—e.g., being tired, overwhelmed, sad, angry, etc. They expect or hope that others will know what they feel and need.

Ironically, when we avoid expressing our vulnerabilities, it can lead to a subversive upwelling of those vulnerabilities. When they’re not expressed in a straight-forward manner, they simmer below the surface and erupt in a hurtful way.

Instead of saying “Are your arms broken?” it’s much more effective to state why you don’t want to carry something or otherwise undertake the task at hand. Here are some ideas of what you could say without attacking the other person:

“Sorry, I’m too tired. I’ve worked a lot today,”
“I’ve got my hands full,”
“I think you can handle it,”
“I would like it if you contributed a little more,” or
“I’d like to go relax and reread ‘Where the Wild things Are.’”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Contempt: ‘Don’t look at me that way.'”