Category Archives: Communication

What is good conversation?

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“Why not?”―Einstein by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Good conversation has an edge. It opens your eyes to something, stirs your imagination, reverberates in your mind later in the day. Your mind has been sparked.

What if you start worrying that the person you are conversing with will get angry or roll his or her eyes at you? Fear of someone’s reactions will stifle your imagination and creative thinking. The possibility for a good conversation will shut down.

Intimacy means sharing your depth, vulnerability, and creative imagination. Intimacy vanishes when someone is threatened by another person’s ideas. Intimacy also evaporates when someone desperately craves agreement and support at all costs.

When we strive to balance two fundamental drives: our desire for connection and our desire for individuality, our sense of self becomes more resilient, allowing our conversations to become freer, deeper and more meaningful.

People who have some emotional autonomy don’t need to have their ideas constantly validated; they are not afraid to express an absurb or eccentric idea.

Emotional autonomy allows people to have true intimacy in conversation, because they don’t pressure others to support them emotionally. Support becomes voluntary and thus more honest and meaningful.

Emotional autonomy frees up conversation to be experimental, more passionate, stirring and stimulating.

The first step toward meaningful conversation is to listen and engage the other person with presence, openness, and curiosity. The next step is to dance with the idea and give it a twirl in an unexpected direction.

Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.

~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Needy Texting: “Why don’t you respond? Where are you?”

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“Short-line” Bob LaPoint by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Signs You Are Texting Too Much

When someone stops responding to your texts or responds with a one-word answer after you’ve written a novel, it’s time to back off.

Relentless texting will push the other person away or spiral you into an emotionally-fused relationship. Continue reading →

When gossip brings you down and how to avoid it.

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"Grazia" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Grazia” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

When you find yourself talking about how pathetic or inane other people are, consider whether you are enhancing your own life or the lives of those around you. Sometimes it is interesting to try to understand what drives other people in their self-sabotaging behavior. But dwelling on other people’s misfortune and stupidity will ultimately bring you down and bore those around you.

When you feel a twinge of conscience, that’s a sign that it is time to stop and re-direct your thoughts and conversation away from mean-spirited gossip.

Examples

Here are some ways to change the subject away from gossip:

“Well, we can never really know the whole story.”

“We’re lucky we’re not facing the same challenges.”

“I’m sure there’s more to it than we may know.”

“Lets focus on something more interesting/planning a dinner/how your work is going.”

Last resort

If necessary, avoid getting drawn in, change the subject or disengage from the conversation altogether. Not only will you avoid letting gossip bring you down, you’ll help lift others out of its negativity as well.

What you focus on

What you focus on in your conversations with others affects who you are, how you feel and how others view you. Instead of trying to feel better about yourself by high-lighting others’ misfortunes, you can enhance your life by trying to live up to the qualities of the people you admire. Focusing on more positive and interesting ideas and accomplishments can inspire you to improve your own life and will inspire others as well.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

How to stop being judgmental and critical of others

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“Symphonic Rejuvenation” by Mimi Stuart ©

“I’m still angry and hurt after my divorce, and I’m taking this out on others and my new guy. How can I stop being so judgmental, critical, and easily triggered?”

Although there is no easy way around feeling critical and judgmental, here are five suggestions on what to work on.

1. Underlying issues

Think about what is underlying those small things that are triggering you. For example, you may be experiencing fear of commitment, fear of being needed or controlled, a desire for more space, or fear of further rejection. Once you figure this out, determine whether the underlying issue can be dealt with. If appropriate, discuss the real issue with your partner.

For example, “Although I love spending time with you, I need some quiet time every day to catch up on work and correspondence / to read / to exercise / to meditate.” Or “I think I’m afraid of being hurt again, so sometimes I lash out to avoid getting too close and then being hurt again. Maybe we should take it a little more slowly.”

2. The power of pause

Be patient and learn not to react too quickly with criticism or judgment. Make it a habit before responding to take a deep breath while remembering what is important. For example, remind yourself that “Treating others poorly brings out the worst in both me and in others.” This will give you the time and motivation to resist behaving in an ineffective and negative way.

If you need more than the time it takes to breathe deeply, then make it a habit to say, “I need a moment to think about that.”

3. Mental rehearsal

Imagine the situations that are likely to trigger you. Visualize and practice how you would like to respond in those situations. Awareness and practice are key, just as they are in learning a new sport or language.

Through focused intentional practice, effective communication will become easier and you’ll feel better about yourself. The positive effects of your improved responses will reward and foster the improved way of interacting with others.

4. Reflection

Re-assess other aspects of your life. Do you have some ongoing resentment in your life that you are not addressing? Is there another relationship where you feel disrespected? Are your current relationships too accepting of your negativity, which may cause you to show disrespect?

You may find that avoiding a challenge or problem in your life is making you irritable. When you take steps to deal with whatever is oppressing you, you will feel lighter and become less easily aggravated with everyone around you.

5. Improving your life

Take time to look into some new activities and relationships that might interest you. When a person feels stuck, all sorts of little things may become irritating. On the other hand, when a person is excited about a new pursuit or plan in his or her life, little things become less annoying.

When you put in the effort to stop being critical and judgmental, your life and relationships will improve dramatically. When you look for the best in others, they will often respond with the best of themselves.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Communicating Effectively when Overwhelmed by Stress and Emotion

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“Enlightenment” Dalai Lama by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

Emotions such as fear and anger are signals that warn you to pay attention to your physical surroundings, your situation or your relationships. Appropriate fear and anger often mean that you may be in danger or are being treated unfairly.

When you feel stressed, becoming overwhelmed with emotion is counterproductive to taking appropriate action or communicating with others. So when you experience strong emotions, take a deep breath, and then switch over to your intuition and rational mind to determine what to do next.

Calm down

It is very important to calm down and get centered before you communicate. Otherwise your anxiety and stress will be ineffective and infectious. Your tone of voice will betray you and put the other person on the defensive and prevent you from resolving the situation.

You may need to talk with someone else or take a walk alone to calm your emotions. It may take a few minutes or it may take hours to feel balanced and calm enough to be able to have an effective conversation. In serious situations, such as infidelity or a breakup, it may take days or weeks to get enough handle over your emotions to have an effective conversation.

If someone wants to talk immediately but you need time to feel in control, it is critical that you say that you need to calm down first and to do so. Give a time frame: “I need some time to calm down. Let’s talk in five minutes/after dinner/tomorrow.” Otherwise, if you simply walk away, the other person may feel rejected, abandoned, or ignored and become angry, which is not helpful.

If the other person says, “What do you mean? Let’s talk about it now,” just firmly say, “That’s not going to be productive. I need some time.” Stand firm and don’t be swayed.

Tone of voice

Tone of voice and body language are more important than words. Some research says that they account for 80% of what is communicated. They can convey positive intention, self-control, respect, and self-respect, which will make it more likely that others will listen to you. Or they can communicate weakness, loss of control, and desperation, which can put others on the defensive. Even if you are extremely angry, it is more powerful and effective to show self-control than to let your anger loose.

No judgment

Avoid negative judgment, name-calling, and expressing yourself in a way that makes the other person feel attacked. Keep yourself from exaggerating or listing all the bad things the other person has ever done. Communicating effectively will result in the other person actually listening to you.

You’ll have a more productive conversation if you say,  “I waited for 20 minutes. What happened?” than if you exclaim: “You drive me crazy the way you are always late. You are so rude!”

Feelings

Some people tend to control others rather than simply state their own emotions because they don’t want to seem weak or self-oriented. Yet a direct declaration of one’s feelings is powerful, not weak. Rather than attacking the other person, state your own feeling: “I was worried.” “I felt angry.” “I’m disappointed.” “I was sad.” “I felt frustrated.” When you state what you are feeling, no one can reasonably argue with it.

Emotions are not judgments such as, “I feel that you are selfish.” That’s a negative judgment pretending to be a feeling.

It is important not to become identified with or immersed in what your emotions. If you are sad, you can show a little sadness, but don’t fall apart. If you are angry, express the fact that you are angry, but don’t become ballistic.

People who are able to express their emotions without being overwhelmed by them garner more respect and empathy from others. They are also more capable of dealing effectively with the problems being signaled.

Desires and needs

Express what you desire, value, or need. “I would like more intimacy.” “I want a trusting relationship.” “I need support.” “I would like to have more time alone each day.” “I want to pursue my passions.”

Some people don’t like to communicate their needs because they don’t want to appear needy. Yet a direct declaration what you value and want is less manipulative than using blame or guilt trips. Such openness also supports the other person’s autonomy, allowing the other person to choose his or her actions freely.

Needs and desires are general, not tied to a particular person. For example, “I need you to love me more” should be replaced with “I want to be in a relationship with someone who really loves me and expresses it.”

No one can argue against your desires or needs even if they might not fulfill them.

Make a specific positive request

  • Specific: General requests such as “Support me” or “Clean your room” are not nearly as effective as communicating a specific request such as “Would you help me pay the bills tonight?” or “Would you be willing to put your clothes lying on the floor inside your closet?”
  • Positive: Beware of saying something like “If you’d just get up off the couch and help around the house once in a while.” This reeks of hostile criticism.
  • Request: A request is not a threat or a demand. By making a request, you offer the other person the opportunity to do something nice for you. Rather than a scolding session, where everyone feels lousy, it can be a win-win situation, in which someone will likely help you and you will feel appreciative.

Transform the relationship

If you make repeated reasonable requests and another person repeatedly refuses to accommodate you, that is the other person’s prerogative. However, you should probably change your expectations of the other person and in some cases consider changing the scope of the relationship.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD