"Pleiades" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“I appreciate your wanting to help, but… right now I have a strategy,”
Or “…what I need right now is some time to reflect,”
Or “…now is not a good time.”
It takes a great man to give sound advice tactfully, but a greater to accept it graciously.”
~Macaulay, J. C.
by Alison Poulsen
"First Putt" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
When we believe in others more than they believe in themselves, we want to push them to become what we see in them. Our intentions are noble; our passion authentic.
The trouble is that children and adults alike are likely to perceive excessive urging as criticism and disappointment, which to some degree it is. Rather than responding with “Yes, you’re right. I can do this,” they are likely to think, “I am disappointing others again. I am never good enough.”
Pushing, even with good intentions, minimizes the importance of autonomy and inner motivation. Excessive pushing also tends to trigger resistance.
Encouraging words are more likely to be taken in and believed when they are spoken earnestly but without excessive force. It’s fine to say, “You can do it,” but it’s best to avoid bringing exaggerated heat and repetition to that encouragement. That which proves too much, proves nothing!
As Dean Rusk said, “One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears – by listening to them.” The basis for any persuasion is understanding what motivates the other person. Inspiration comes from example and true friendship or at least a respectful relationship.
Far better to live your own path imperfectly than to live another’s perfectly.
~Bhagavad Gita
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “I’m shocked how much I criticize my dad for letting other people walk all over him.”
"Grazia" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“He was probably upset, preoccupied, or rushed by something else.”
Don’t take things personally. We don’t know what others are thinking.
Your assumptions about other people’s feelings can influence how they feel. So don’t assume the worst. If the behavior continues, ask if he’s all right.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"The Raven" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Stonewalling is a technique used by people to deliberately delay having to respond or cooperate with others. A stonewaller stalls or refuses to discuss his or her motivations or to listen to another’s point of view.
People may want or need an answer: “My parents invited us for Thanksgiving, should we go?”, “I’d like to get that home entertainment center,” “I received a great job offer in Stonewall City, will you be willing to move?” Discussions are an essential part of a relationship.
Occasionally, stonewalling within reason can be a way of taking the time needed to contemplate a difficult situation. However, if stonewalling becomes common place when a difficult question arises, problems will compound and relationships will disintegrate into isolation and resentment.
If you tend to stonewall, it’s essential that you respond in some way right away even if it is just to buy yourself time. At least suggest a specific day when you’ll discuss the question or problem. Nothing is more important in a relationship than the ability to openly discuss differences of opinion or preferences.
If you are dealing with a stonewaller, ask for specific detail and a time-frame. To ease communication, you can say, “I’d like to know what you’d prefer to do or what the pros and cons are for you regarding this decision.”
A stonewaller is often afraid of conflict or is uncomfortable expressing his or her feelings and preferences. So, it’s important to be compassionate and avoid being reactive when he or she does communicate.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Resentment: If I say anything, it will just get worse.”
"Music of the Skies" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
“My reaction was too extreme. I’m sorry.”
We’re all human. Reactivity is not going to suddenly disappear. But we CAN become quicker in apologizing and resist continuing the blame game. That way we can get back to living the life we desire.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD