"Einstein Perplexed" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“What leads you to that conclusion? Could you explain how you came to that opinion.”
“What if we looked at it a little differently…”
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
~Aristotle
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Respect each other: ‘He’s always talking down to me.'”
"Powdered Gold" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
When you call a parent, it’s not important whether you have anything to talk about. Making a call shows that you care. Simply calling to make a connection is what counts.
There’s no need to have long conversations or bring up topics that will generate arguments… unless there is something you want to air and attempt to resolve. Asking how they are doing or even talking about the weather does the job of making a connection.
If you’re afraid your parent will ask awkward questions, such as when are you going to get a real job, there’s no need to respond reactively. Look for the positive concern underlying the question, even if there’s more sarcasm than concern, and take the high road with your response, such as, “I appreciate your concern. I’m glad to have any job right now. Please don’t worry about my finances. I’m doing fine.”
Then switch the subject or get off the phone. “Have a great week. I’ll talk to you soon.”
The longer a person goes without calling a relative, the more resistance he or she will feel about doing it. Keeping these connections alive can mean a lot for everyone involved over the long-term, and can be particularly meaningful for parents as they age. One day you’ll be glad to hear your children on the phone asking, “How are you doing, Mom and Dad?”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Precision" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Seeing patterns and generalizing from them is a crucial human skill. Scientists, business owners, and most capable people develop the ability to spot patterns in human behavior.
Yet, sometimes we make sweeping generalizations that exaggerate or oversimplify reality. Taking one unfortunate incident and jumping to conclusions can create problems.
Even if someone does tend to repeat certain types of behavior, it is not helpful to make overgeneralizations. People get defensive when you say, “You never show appreciation.” “You spend all your time with your friends instead of with me.” “You always interrupt me.”
It’s more effective to be specific and talk about one incident at a time. Limit yourself to specific facts, and focus on a desired solutions.
For instance, if you seek appreciation, you can ask, “Isn’t this dinner I cooked delicious?”
Instead of complaining about someone’s frequent absence, you could suggest, “I’d like to spend some time with you. When can we get together?”
To get someone to stop interrupting, you could say, “Please let me finish” each time you’re interrupted.
Specific positive requests are more likely to get you what you want than gross generalizations.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Snowflakes" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind.
~Samuel Taylor Coleridge
1. Select an appropriate time and private setting to talk.
2. Ask the person whether she would like some advice or if you could tell her a story that might have some bearing on the situation.
3. Find out the person’s state of mind or point of view to make sure your advice is appropriate.
4. Remember that no one knows for sure what is best for another person. Telling a personal story has a greater effect than if you tell someone you know what’s best for her.
5. Frame your advice as a positive suggestion rather than negative criticism.
6. Don’t repeat advice. Pushiness has the opposite effect; it builds resistance.
7. Respect the other person’s autonomy. Let her decide whether or not to take your advice.
The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right.
~Hannah Whitall Smith
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Conversation and Active Listening: ‘It seems like I do all the talking.’”
"Dynamic" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
If you find yourself arguing with a particular person a lot, reflect upon your underlying motivations. They may be causing your discussions to turn into arguments.
Consider…
1. Whether you have to be right,
2. Whether you have to prove your point,
3. Whether you are trying to get the other person to validate you,
4. Whether you are trying to change the other person, or
5. Whether you expect a silent, compliant audience.
All these motivations negate connection and stop effective communication between people. Coercive argument from a stance of superiority only results in hostility.
Relationships improve when people can discuss their opinions passionately AND compassionately. To communicate effectively and avoid bitter arguments, make sure you 1) find out what the other person believes and desires, and 2) express yourself in a way that the other person will be more likely to be open to hearing what you believe and desire.
When you are motivated to enhance your relationship, communications become pleasant and more effective. You can try the following:
1. Listen more and really try to understand what the other person thinks and feels. Put yourself in his or her shoes.
2. Let the other person finish his or her thoughts before interrupting with another point of view.
3. Express yourself so that you don’t trigger the other person. Focus particularly on your body language and tone of voice.
4. Be ready to simply accept your differences.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD