“I need someone who shows up every day for the time scheduled and completes the assigned tasks. Unfortunately, in this business I can’t afford to be more flexible. Is there a reason you weren’t able to come on time and finish the work assigned?”
“Let me know if you will be able to commit to the following hours….”
OR
“Would you be happier in the type of business that can be more flexible?”
It’s important to ask why the employee is showing certain objectionable behavior. Many factors can cause undesirable behavior, for example, the following possibilities:
1. Problems outside of work 2. Not getting a promotion the employee thought he or she deserved 3. Unclear communication 4. Feeling overlooked on an earlier project 5. Low motivation or capability 6. Not having the right traits for the job
Once you know the reason behind the behavior, you’ll understand better what your next step should be.
If you talk about your business’s needs rather than the employee’s failings, it’s easier for the employee to hear you, as well as for you to find out what lies beneath the undesirable behavior, and even to fire him or her if necessary without hard feelings.
Change the “you” message to an “I” message. If you say what you currently see, think, or feel using an “I” message with an adult tone of voice, as opposed to a child or parental tone of voice, you’ll have a much better time getting your message across effectively.
Limit your “I” statements to the facts and your feelings, while trying to avoid judgments. Saying “I think you’re an idiot,” for example, is a “you” statement in disguise, and therefore a negative judgment, inviting animosity and antagonism, instead of clarification and conciliation.
On the other hand, it’s hard to become defensive or disagree when people explain their viewpoints from a personal standpoint, “I understood…,” “I believe…,” or “I want….” This kind of communication encourages dialogue instead of diatribe.
We think effective communication has to do with talking, although it has much more to do with listening. Yet, it is surprising how rare and difficult it is to actively listen.
We think we are listening when we are really just waiting for the other person to take a breath so we can interject our response, analogy, defense, or anticipate what’s going to be said by filling in the blanks. Planning our own responses and anticipating when to jump in is not active listening.
People assume that the person talking has all the power. But it is really the person who listens who gains power through understanding what is actually being said.
The power and enjoyment that come from good conversation and a meeting of the minds involve listening attentively, similar to how jazz musicians have to really listen to each other to play great music together.
Active Listening Do’s
1. Be mindful, that is, be present, aware, and engaged; 2. Manage your emotions by exercising patience rather than being reactive and anticipating what will be said; 3. Have an open attitude as opposed to having a set opinion and set expectations; and 4. Consider the context of the speaker’s words as influenced by his or her own background and experience, so you don’t quibble over the idiosyncratic use of words.
Active Listening Don’ts
1. Do not interrupt and debate the speaker. 2. Do not tell the speaker what he or she should be thinking or feeling. That is simply a way of imposing your judgment on others. 3. Do not use his or her story as a take-off point for your own story. 4. Do not give advice unless and only when you are asked for it. Enhancing Relationships
You can see that active listening takes effort and your full attention. The payoff is worth it, however. The benefit is that you can simultaneously enhance relationships AND increase understanding or solve problems.
Active listening is a pre-condition for empathy and equality — keys to enhancing a relationship. It requires focusing on the other person instead of yourself. When someone sees that you are really paying attention, he or she tends to feel more alive and become more animated in the conversation.
Encouraging Openness
People feel more comfortable and open with a relaxed and attentive listener, rather than someone who is impatient, agitated, or highly controlled. Making positive encouraging eye contact without being distracted encourages the speaker to open up.
If appropriate you can repeat what you heard the speaker say and ask them whether you have understood them correctly. “It sounds like you’re discouraged about such and such. Is that right?”
Giving reflective feedback rather than advice can be very helpful because both parties become clearer about a situation, which is key in having a good conversation or a meeting of the minds.
Saying “good morning,” “hello,” “good bye,” or “how are you?” every time you see a loved one or when you leave the house or come back home will make a great deal of difference in your relationship over the long term. It shows that you care and makes your partner feel that he or she is not simply taken for granted. While you don’t have to be melodramatic or sentimental, you don’t want to be perfunctory or hasty either.
An actress recently told me that the way she avoids looking fake when she smiles endlessly for the camera is to think happy or loving thoughts while smiling. If instead she thinks, “I hope I don’t look horrible” or “how long is this going to take?” those thoughts show up in her facial expression, despite the smile.
Similarly, when you greet loved ones, or almost anyone for that matter, they will sense it if you’re thinking, “But where are my keys and how long is this going to take?”
It makes a real difference to put your other thoughts on hold and actually look at your loved ones when you greet them or say “good bye.” Real connection occurs best with full presence of mind and body, giving you the ability to connect with real energy and to receive it as well. The long-term well-being of a relationship is built on all the small moments of acknowledgement, appreciation, kindness, and passion over the years.
“I should never send an email or text that’s unsuitable to be seen by everyone.”
By imagining that anyone might see what you write, you can protect yourself from unforeseen public embarrassment, and you can cultivate the ability to communicate with taste and tact.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
