Don’t take it personally and do not allow yourself to become miserable! Speak up right away when someone is short with you. Don’t assume others can read your mind, and don’t assume that they are even aware of their own behavior.
If you don’t say anything, the other person may never know that his or her actions and behavior have hurt you. He or she may have been busy, unaware, or distracted. If you don’t speak up, this hurtful behavior is bound to continue, and your disappointment will grow into misery and resentment.
Having a relationship is like skiing a slalom course. You have to stay on your edges instead of being caught flat-footed, adjust your balance, and keep moving forward.
Perhaps you don’t want to complain or be demanding, which is laudable. However, you can express your desires and needs in a rational and friendly way, without being demanding, controlling or critical.
When communicating with someone who is rude or short with you, focus on your attitude and tone of voice to convey a sense of self-respect. If possible have compassion for the other person as well.
You could say for instance, “You may not be aware of this but when I talk to you, you usually sound busy and are short with me. It’s affecting the way I feel about you. I’d like us to take the time to treat each other well and with respect.”
If, after repeated discussions about the issue, the person continues to be short and rude without apologizing, it may be time to get counseling or to limit the scope of the relationship.
People often assume that they know what another person is thinking—and most often these assumptions are negative.
Not only are the assumptions usually wrong, mind-reading doesn’t make people want to openly share their deepest thoughts. It often doesn’t make them want to spend time with you either. Instead, it feels intrusive to be told what they’re thinking. They feel annoyed and defensive.
Projecting Insecurity
When you allow fear and insecurity to dominate your personality, you’re likely to scare people away—not a good way to promote dialogue. While part of you may feel worried and insecure, there’s probably another part of you that wants to have an honest dialogue and is hopeful and curious about what the truth might be. Although it is important to share your vulnerabilities with people you’re close to, it’s best not to let insecurity take over with accusatory mind-reading.
When you project your fears onto another person, those fears are more likely to become realized – a self-fulfilling prophecy! If you repeatedly proclaim your worry that another person doesn’t like spending time with you, you create the very situation you fear, because you become less enjoyable to spend time with. Our perceptions have a tendency to materialize.
Dialogue
Mind-reading assumes that you have all the information, which is rarely the case. To have a real dialogue, you need to focus on the other person and find out where they are coming from. Only when the goal is to gain understanding and not to assign blame can you find out what’s really going on.
To get truthful, relevant information, you have to engage others so that they won’t get defensive. Otherwise they’ll attack back, withdraw, or twist the truth to avoid your negative judgments. You have to ask questions in a way to get them to talk openly. This requires being able to actively listen without being reactive. Connection
If you lose your connection, the other person is likely to go into a protective mode, which puts a stop to openness. You need to keep a connection to convey your desire to be understanding. To avoid implying blame or self-pity, it helps to use a tone of voice that implies honest curiosity.
Open-ended Questions
The best way to get information is to ask open-ended questions that get the other person to describe his or her side of the story. Avoid leading questions, such as, “You’d rather work than spend time with me, right?”
Avoid “yes or no” prosecuting-attorney-type questions, such as, “Just answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’—did you even think about calling me?” Even police investigators have moved from methods of cross-examination to open-ended questioning.
Open-ended questions include where, who, how, what happened. Beware of “But why did you do that?” because it sounds accusatory. When people feel blamed, they’re likely to skew the information to boost their self-esteem and avoid incrimination. It’s better to ask how something happened, followed by, “what happened then?”
We are more likely to discover the motivation of the other person when we use compassionate curiosity rather than aggressive interrogation. Also, we are likely to find that others’ actions usually don’t stem from intent to harm us.
From a position of compassionate understanding, we can then continue the dialogue and express our own desires or intent to change the situation.
Endless chitchat about mindless subjects can drive anybody crazy. When people carry on without allowing others to engage in the conversation, they are missing the point of small talk. Appropriate small talk should feel like a dance not like an assault.
Connection
Communication is not simply about passing on information. One of the primary goals of communicating with people is to make a connection with them.
Small talk is all about connection. The style of talk is playful, casual, and humorous, without being critical, overbearing, or a chatterbox. Appropriate small talk is vital in developing and sustaining relationships.
There are several reasons for connecting through small talk. 1. Emotional Closeness
The energy in a person’s body language, not the information behind the words, communicates warmth. You can even engage in small talk with someone who speaks a different language and convey friendliness and humor. 2. Effective Dialogue
When there is disagreement, small talk can help you develop connection by showing your common humanity, which allows for a more effective dialogue. Without establishing connection, disagreements become accusatory or controlling attacks and will cause defensiveness, anger, or hurt feelings.
3. Ritual Small Talk
Small talk shows our competence in normal communication. It reveals our ability to read other people. When people see that we know when to start talking, when to stop, and that we know what topics are appropriate given the circumstances, they see we have a basic understanding of how to relate to people.
Imagine that someone says, “What beautiful weather we’re having,” and the second person responds with a simple, “no” or “I guess” with no warmth or further comment showing confirmation of the first speaker’s attempt to make a connection. It leaves the first speaker wondering, “What’s wrong with him/her? How rude!” or “OK, I made the effort! But I won’t try anymore.”
When people start an intense debate when others are simply shooting the breeze, it signals that they are oblivious to what’s going on around them.
When people cannot adhere to the unspoken rules of appropriate small talk, others get frustrated and suspicious. Those who can’t or won’t engage in small talk in appropriate situations or who don’t allow others to talk are often rejected and avoided.
People who recognize when small talk is appropriate adapt easily to relationship expectations. Moreover, those who understand the bounds of appropriate communication are generally seen to be likable and trustworthy.
4. New Relationships
Small talk is like a dance in getting to know someone. Through talking casually while avoiding any commitment, you get a feel for what the other person is like—whether you click, whether there’s some commonality or a spark between you.
The subject of conversation matters less than the feeling behind the words. If there seems to be mutual understanding, you can gradually deepen the conversation by disclosing more personal values and thoughts. If you don’t sense reciprocity, no harm is done.
While we don’t have to spend a great deal of time engaging in small talk, we can use it to create better connection with other people. As long as we sense when other people have had enough, then small talk can be meaningful.
Whether a conversation with someone lasts a fleeting moment at the supermarket or develops into a lasting relationship, the purpose of small talk is to express the desire for a positive emotional connection between two human beings. While small talk seems to be about nothing at all, it’s really about being human, understanding subtle communication, and responding to people with a sense of connection.
Gossip is like overly salty food. We like the taste of salt, but too much of it overpowers other spices and the flavor of the food itself. We may be drawn to it, but too much can make us queasy.
Similarly, it’s human to be curious about the turn of events in other people’s lives. We imagine with wonder or trepidation what it would be like to be in their shoes when they fall in love, fall out of love, or get betrayed. How do people respond when their dreams or fears are actualized?
Excessive gossip reveals the gossiper’s deficient sense of self. The gossiper sensationalizes in an attempt to astonish people with intrigue, with the result that there’s no room for genuine understanding of the complexity of the people and situation involved. While the gossiper holds everyone’s attention for a moment, that moment is fleeting and rarely rewarding, regardless of the effort to embellish the story and prolong the gratifying moment of the listeners’ curiosity. A grain of salt turns brackish.
As compelling as intriguing rumors might be, too much scandal-mongering leaves everyone feeling un-nourished and nauseated.
How to handle gossip
We can handle gossip by moving the discussion away from the person being talked about or by changing the subject outright. Often, however, we can add depth and personal meaning to the subject by simply asking the right questions.
We can ask questions such as the following: “Have you ever experienced any kind of betrayal yourself? How would you want to handle it? Do you wish you had handled it differently?” Or “What is your greatest fear?” Or “How would you live your life if you had that much money?”
When people have to think about and expose their deeper desires and fears, they often become more sympathetic and circumspect and less judgmental. Thus, we can guide gossip — including our own — toward more meaningful conversation and greater connection.
Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
It’s never too late to tell a person what your needs are within the context of a meaningful relationship. These kinds of changes are important for the growth of both partners and the relationship itself.
The most effective way to make changes is to make specific positive requests rather than to make demands or silently hope for what you want. Specific positive requests:
1. Avoid criticism: The most effective requests have no hint of criticism in them. Instead of “You never call!” you could say, “I would appreciate it…”
2. Invite empathy without being a victim: Effective requests invite the other person to see it from your point of view. “I get worried when you don’t call and I end up not making my own plans.”
3. Make a request not a demand: This allows the other person to decline. “You better call me!” is controlling and degrading, while “I’d appreciate it if you’d call,” enhances mutual respect.
4. Be specific: Rather than generalities such as, “Be considerate!” or “Respect me!” make specific requests, such as “If you call or text me by 5PM, that would be great.”
“It would make me happy if you would call before 5 when you’re going to come home late so that I won’t get worried and put my own plans on hold.”
Understand Motivation, Change Expectations
If he keeps forgetting, then see if you can figure out an alternative, such as texting him, “I haven’t heard from you and I am assuming you’ll be late and am thinking of making other plans for the evening. Let me know.”
If there is no effective alternative, then it’s time to change your expectations. How you do this depends on what you’re willing to live with. This person may be so engrossed in work that it’s difficult to break away to make that phone call. Or perhaps he or she is irresponsible, or simply expects you to be waiting for him or her despite any efforts made on his part.
Change your Actions
If you decide to stay with him despite this flaw (everyone has some flaws,) you might structure your own life differently so that you won’t feel that you are constantly in limbo. You may decide to make your own plans and go out or meet with others rather than stay up and wait. You will feel less resentment, and he will wonder where you are, or at least miss you until you come home. That may just change his behavior.
It also creates a bit of a consequence when he doesn’t call. Note that a natural consequence is very different from punishment motivated by spite.
Avoid being a doormat — it is not manipulation.
You might view making other plans when he doesn’t call as a game, but it is not. It is a way to avoid falling into a doormat relationship dynamic, which gets worse with waiting, yearning, and pleading, but improves when you move forward with your own life, friends, and interests. If you don’t want to be treated like a doormat, don’t act like one. As a consequence your partner might pay attention and, if not, your life will improve anyway.
If you feel this is too manipulative, there’s no reason not to be completely honest about your intentions. You could simply explain that you worry and resent him when you wait for him to come home and don’t get a call. It’s easier for you to go out and stop waiting.
There’s no need to become angry or barn sour, like a horse who wants to stay in the barn to brood. It’s always good to start with discussions, but follow through with actions. If you are still deeply disappointed, you can make further changes in your expectations and life. It’s your life to live.
