“Heavy Metal” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
“Just checking to see if you received the gift I sent because I know how the mail can be. Hope you’re having a wonderful day.”
There’s no reason to get angry or stay in the dark about whether someone received a gift, an invitation, or an email you’ve sent. Just send an email or call to ask.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“Roar” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Abuse results from inner fear, anger, and pain. Being abusive towards others gives someone who feels powerless, helpless, and scared the feeling of power, which feels better to the abuser than being in pain and powerless.
Obviously, being spiteful and mean to others hurts others, and is not ultimately beneficial or fulfilling to the abuser either. It is like being a heroin addict. Blaming and criticizing others feels good temporarily to the abuser, but leaves him or her emptier, and needing to increase the dosage to feel anything.
Engaging the abuser
Many couples will have occasional fights and will say something mean to one another. But they don’t feel good about themselves and they usually apologize with sincerity. This is not abuse.
Someone who is abusive tries to hurt the other person and does not take responsibility for his or her hurtful words or actions. Unfortunately, you cannot convince someone who does not take personal responsibility of your innocence no matter how you defend yourself. The abusive person is living in a world where he or she is the victim and you are the perpetrator.
Engaging someone’s abuse by getting into email wars, defending every point and attacking back, does not serve anyone. In fact it feeds the abuser’s craving to manipulate your emotions. This puts you in a power struggle with someone whose goal is to win power struggles not to have a loving relationship. Arguing with a bully leads to a vicious cycle of increasingly hostile attacks and ineffective attempts to defend oneself.
Compassion for abusers
You can have compassion for the suffering of those who are abusive by understanding that their actions result from their pain. Often they were abused themselves. However, compassion does not mean that you stop protecting yourself or that you should cater to people who can cause you harm. It does not help the abuser and it definitely does not enhance your well-being to engage in arguments in a futile attempt to vindicate yourself in the abuser’s eyes.
Friendship and harmony
You may want friendship or at least harmony with your ex. But it takes two people to have a friendship. You cannot be friends with someone who wants to make you feel bad. The only way to have a harmonious relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive is to pander to the abuser. However, this will lead to your own inner turmoil and cause you to repress your inner strength, desires, and life force. Thus, true harmony is probably only achievable through distance.
Focus instead on the positive people in your life who care about your well-being and who would not be abusive toward you. You may want to foster new relationships with individuals who want the people in their lives to be happy and not to feel guilty or miserable.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“Kiai” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Have you ever wished you could cut short a conversation that never seems to end, but you dread offending the other person and as a result you just keep listening? Tedious and one-sided conversations and phone calls can be draining and exhausting. These sorts of vent sessions, complaining, and gossip can leave you feeling wrung out and empty.
Yet many people find it difficult to end these encounters because they fear offending the other person. Whether the other person is a co-worker, family member, friend, or acquaintance, it’s helpful to know how to enforce boundaries without being rude. The same techniques can be used for ending worthwhile conversations at times when you have time constraints.
Here are some ideas:
1. Mention your time constraint. Often you can give the talkative person a warning at the beginning of the conversation about your time constraints, e.g., that you only have a few seconds, a minute, or 15 minutes. “Hi. I only have a minute.” One minute later, “I have to go. Have a great afternoon.” End it promptly and you will not have the problem.
2. Interrupt. It may be necessary to interrupt the talker, but you can do so without sounding angry or impatient. A matter of fact, polite tone of voice, without being apologetic or unsure works best. “Unfortunately, I have to get going. Talk to you soon.”
3. Be diplomatically honest. If these types of conversations with a particular person are an ongoing problem that you’d like to address, speak of your own feelings without attacking or judging the talker. “I’m sorry not to be able to help you, but I have to tell you that it is exhausting when we talk about these problems so much. I’d prefer to talk about something more uplifting.” Or, “I like to connect with you, but I don’t have much time to talk with all of my commitments to work and to the kids.”
Time is valuable. When you waste time waiting anxiously for a conversation to end because you are trying to be polite, you are not helping the perpetrator or yourself to live a more fulfilling life.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Watch “Distinguishing Harmless from Malicious Gossip.”
Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”
Read “I have friends who bring me down.”
Read “The Introvert and the Extrovert: ‘You always stay home!’”
Does it help to argue or complain when dealing with a controlling person? How do you respond to someone who is controlling, demanding and wants you to do things you don’t want to do?
Video by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “My parent was controlling.” How we develop Defense Mechanisms (Part I)
Read “Dealing with Brashness: ‘I feel miserable because she has been so short with me.’”
“The Kiss” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Before you wish your partner would simply obey your wishes, think about how a domineering/submissive dynamic would impact the long-term health of your relationship. A relationship based on unequal power and obedience will not grow and cannot sustain passion. Domination and compliance are quick ways to deal a blow to the respect required for a long-term passionate relationship.
Respect and love are at the heart of any meaningful or enjoyable relationship. In fact research shows that men and women who are able to listen to their partners in a respectful way are more likely to sustain a successful relationship.* A sense of power sharing is critical to a mutually respectful relationship that is capable of sustaining long-term harmony.
Equality does not mean giving in, giving up, or taking turns in your decision making. It means really listening with an open mind and generous heart.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
*Reference: Richard Wiseman, “59 Seconds: Think a little, Change a lot.”
Read “Creating a better relationship: ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about!’”
Read “Conversation and Active Listening: ‘It seems like I do all the talking.’”