“I’d be happy to consider doing that for you if you would speak to me respectfully.”
Unfortunately people close to you may need to be reminded to be polite if they begin to take you for granted.
Why would anyone be motivated to help someone who is being rude? While it’s appropriate to be upset and important to stop the disrespectful behavior, there is no need to overreact. Calling someone a name and being demeaning yourself will only aggravate the situation.
You are more likely to change the relationship dynamic if you keep your cool while giving the other person an opportunity to show his or her better side.
How many times have you found yourself saying, “Sure, let’s get together this weekend,” without a clear intention of doing so? It’s easy to make such off-the-cuff arrangements. Yet later you often regret feeling obligated to follow through. If, on the other hand, you back out, the other person gets disappointed and starts viewing you as flaky. Either way, it’s not an ideal situation.
People who make and break promises are generally motivated to please other people. Ironically, by pleasing them in the moment without desiring to follow through they cause disappointment.
So how do you respond to someone who wants to get together when you might have other things you would prefer to do?
“I like to keep my weekends unplanned and play things by ear.”
“I have to see what else I have going on.”
“I’m just going to hang out at home and catch up on reading and chores.”
“I don’t have any free time this weekend.”
“I keep my weekends open so I can go windsurfing/play golf when the weather’s good.”
Rather than raise expectations, be honest about not wanting to plan ahead. This allows the other person to make other plans. You don’t have to disappoint them and you won’t dread it when they call.
Buy yourself some time. Interrupt the ‘yes’ cycle, using phrases like “I’ll get back to you,” then consider your options.
Often the best way to give advice to loved ones is to send them an article that gives the advice that you’d like to give, but it comes from an expert with appropriate back-up research. You simply say, “I thought you’d find this article worthwhile. I found it very interesting.”
You have to be tactful when giving forthright advice to people who have not asked for your advice. For example, if you recommend to someone who is having trouble getting pregnant that she stop eating junk food, she may be offended. She will probably view you as being judgmental and intrusive rather than loving and concerned. She may also avoid you in the future not wanting to feel judged whenever she drinks a soft drink in front of you. Moreover, she’s unlikely to take your advice seriously because you are not a nutritionist or a fertility doctor.
So instead you might send her an email with one or two articles attached — not twenty-five — and a note saying, “I thought you might find this new research about fertility helpful and interesting.” You will sound less superior and disapproving. The article will have more authority and be more likely to get her attention.
If she resists the information, it may be best to drop it. While it is loving to try to help or enlighten people, once they are informed, it is best to allow them to make their own choices.
Accusing someone of nagging is an unnecessary provocation of hostility.
Even though it’s annoying to be reminded over and over again to do something, it’s best to resist getting defensive by saying “Stop nagging me.” If you respond like a child when you are treated like a child, the relationship pattern turns into an unpleasant parent/child dynamic: the disappointed parent trying to control the sullen or rebellious child.
Instead, you can avoid this dreaded pattern if you continue to act like an adult by asserting boundaries while showing compassion. Try to use understanding and reason while being honest about your needs. Simply because somebody wants you to do something doesn’t mean you have to do it. However, relationships thrive only with candid, respectful and honest communication. Be clear. Let the person know if you plan to do the thing being asked later or simply don’t want to do it.
Here are some examples of how to respond. More important than the specific wording is your tone of voice.
I heard you. Unfortunately I won’t have time to do that any time soon. Perhaps you can take care of it.
Or
I know you have good intentions but I need to tell you that I feel like a child when you tell me several times what you want me to do. Please just ask once.
Or
I plan to get it done tomorrow. When you repeat yourself, I get very defensive. It would be helpful if you would resist repeating it.
Or
I first want to finish what I’m doing. Please don’t ask me again.
When people repeat themselves and tell others what to do, it may be that they are frustrated by not knowing whether you remember what they’ve asked. So it helps to be clear about whether and when you are willing to help.
Or it may be that they are projecting their own anxiety onto those around them. If you respond with hostility, the anxious person will feel justified in thinking that you are the cause of his or her anxiety.
If on the other hand you remain calm and reasonable, and speak with candor and self-confidence, the anxious person is less likely to spiral into increased anxiety. Harmony can more easily be restored.
“I’ll be back when the movie’s over. Have a great evening. I’ll miss you.”
It’s important to continue to do the things you enjoy doing rather than limiting yourself to only those things you do together and becoming resentful. Of course, you can do so in a loving way.
