Talking about other people is natural. Sometimes though, talking about others brings everyone down. How do we distinguish harmless from malicious gossip? And why do people partake in malicious gossip?
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”
Read: “Gossip: ‘I can’t stand malicious gossip, but sometimes I end up participating in it!’”
“Angle of Approach” — Furyk by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
“Let’s agree to include both our opinions into the solution. Let’s start by finding our common ground.”
Sarcasm furthers hostility.
Giving in causes resentment.
You can frequently find a healthy compromise if you remain calm, respectful, and persistent.
Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.
~John F. Kennedy
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “I end up arguing with him because he’s usually too busy working to talk.”
Read Positive Bonding Patterns:
“We never fight, but we don’t talk anymore and there’s no more passion.”
“Mr. Hole-in-One” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
So… what I REALLY meant was…
“I feel discouraged when I come home and see dirty dishes. It would make me happy to come home to a cleaner house. I would appreciate it if you would accommodate me.”
Criticism, complaints, and blame put people on the defensive. On the other hand, you can give the other person an opportunity to do something nice for you by phrasing your request diplomatically.
First of all, instead of attacking the other person, express how you feel given the simple facts, that is, “dirty dishes” instead of “horrible mess.” Then describe specifically what you would like him or her to do and how good it would make you feel. Most people enjoy making others happy. So express how appreciative you would be to come home to a clean house.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Communicating Effectively under Stress: ‘This is horrible!’”
“Percussion” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
To have an effective conversation there needs to be mutual respect. Self-empowered people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them. It is best to disengage someone who is being unreasonable without provoking him or her.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Defensiveness: ‘What do you mean by that? You’re always attacking me!’”
Read “Swearing and Yelling: ‘STOP SWEARING and YELLING AT ME for #%&%’s SAKE!’”
“Roar” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Overt jealousy, however, harms a relationship, and angry defensiveness will do the same.
“I saw you looking at him/her!”
How do you respond when a partner who is easily jealous reprimands you for an innocent glance or conversation with another person? Imagine that he or she scolds you with, “I saw you looking at her/him!”
Avoid getting angry, defensive, or apologetic. Instead keep your cool, and perhaps say, “You’re the one I care about. Please don’t suggest anything else.” The key is not to buy into our partner’s emotional heat.
If your partner persists in attacking you, remain calm and say something like, “Don’t you enjoy occasionally looking or talking to other people? I do. Yet I’ve never been inappropriate with someone else and don’t intend to be. Please don’t get angry at me for something I enjoy doing.”
Insecurities vs Enjoyment of life
Everyone has insecurities and vulnerabilities. While you need to pay attention to them, you do not want to let them dominate your personality. It’s also compassionate to give the jealous person a chance to regroup without being too reactive. No one is flawless.
It’s much more attractive for both people to demonstrate self-confidence, even if they have to work hard to resist letting their insecurities take over. In fact, when both partners can be harmlessly flirtatious with others, it actually enhances the eros and vitality of both partners and the relationship. Harmless is key.
Considerate without being controlled
Keep calm and be reasonable; yet do not allow yourself to be controlled by your partner’s fears. If you do, you are walking down the path toward resenting your partner. Some consideration is necessary in any relationship, but don’t start walking on eggshells to avoid his or her unreasonable reactivity. You will never be able to please someone who tries to control others in order to manage his or her own insecurities.
It may seem counter-intuitive, but you can care more deeply for someone if you react less emotionally to their anger, jealousy, and insecurities. When you realize that someone else’s emotions and desires are not yours, it’s easier to respond with kindness, but without apologizing for your reasonable behavior.
Remember, The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.
~William Penn
by Alison Poulsen
Read “Random Thoughts from So What I Really Meant.”
Read “Jealous Partner: ‘How can you be so jealous! You’re being ridiculous.’”