“Joy” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
“I’ll just enjoy our time together and not worry about where this goes.”
Worrying about whether someone likes you will not make you more likeable and the evening more enjoyable.
If you enjoy the moment, however, then there will be nothing to regret, whether this is your only date or the beginning of a long relationship.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Does she like me? She doesn’t text me like she did at the beginning.”
“Rose” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Most of us want to live a long (and happy) life. But who wants to get old! Neither you, nor I. Since we can’t have one without the other, it’s best to make the BEST of it. We can grow old and yet retain some of the wonderful feelings of youth.
Happiness
Happiness is number one. Being miserable contributes to no one’s happiness. Happiness is within our control — we have no one to ask for it, and no one can take it away — not even Uncle Sam. We alone decide if we want to be cheerful or depressed. Of course, it’s not always easy; listening to the daily news can be a mighty damper — the ups and downs of the campaign, nuclear power in jumpy hands, riots about videos, floods and fires, or the wrinkles in our face. All sad, sad, sad. But can our sadness change any of it? Not very likely. On the other hand, our smile may cheer up someone. And, most importantly, it’ll cheer us. A smile steers our thoughts into more upbeat channels. Our gloriously beautiful Earth provides much to be grateful for. As Shakespeare says: Assume a virtue if you have it not. And smile.
Health
Our health and stamina decline as we grow older; so it’s vital for us to walk and keep active, and stay away from the refrigerator. We need less food, and more gentle movement to keep our muscles alive and our body flexible. As to medications? Doctors often assume that their patients feel short-changed if they have to leave their office without a prescription. Worse, I hear that some doctors have a vested interest in some pharmaceuticals or pharmacies. I told my doctor that I’m no friend of pills, and he’s never prescribed me anything yet, except for something temporary like a flu.
Adventure
A sense of adventure and curiosity, and the excitement of discovering or learning something new is one of life’s greatest pleasures. When we finally retire, we have more leisure to pursue these joys. My life has always been filled to the brim, but since I retired, the days seem shorter than ever — there’s so much to do, to explore, to write, to share. My daughters gave me a new bicycle and pink and blue roller blades when I turned 65; I took up playing the piano at 70, I read more books in foreign languages now, and am having a ball volunteering. And think of all the wonders that Google is willing to reveal if we ask for it! It’s unimaginable that we once had to do without it.
Friends
Cherish your friends; and honor them for being your friends. Treasure them in good times as well as in bad. Loneliness makes for poor company; we thrive in interaction with others. A pet may help, but a pet ties us down and needs daily care. If you’ve moved away from your friends, join a group, volunteer or become a friend to the friendless. To have a good friend is one of the greatest delights of life, as R. W. Emerson put it.
Looks
I’ve found the perfect solution for our declining youthful beauty, but you may not like it. I found light bulbs with low, low wattage and use them near my mirrors! I feel better when I’m not reminded of my wrinkles and glad to discern nothing but a cheerful grin. It seems ludicrous and a losing battle to pretend that we’re younger than we are.
It’s more fun to put some twinkles in our wrinkles, and be proud of our age! We’re still alive, and eager to make the best of it. And that is all that matters. It’s grand to enjoy the fruits of our efforts — no more crying babies at two in the morning, instead some darling grandkids to spoil. No more rush hour traffic to fight, instead full devotion to the daily paper. We have leisure to do what we like. It’s worthwhile to be grateful for, or, if you’re still young, something to look forward to.
Come to think of it, the last ten years have been the happiest of my life.
Until next time,
by Ros McIntosh (Rosi), author of four books and RosiColoredGlassesBlog.
Read “My life has no purpose or meaning.”
"Determination" — Nick Watney by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Errors, mistakes, and failures are part of the life experience. Without them we will never achieve success. Spending inordinate time and energy avoiding mistakes, covering up failures, and avoiding changing course prevents people from moving along in their journey of life. There is no such thing as a risk-free life. Often, failure to act is a failure to live and can be the biggest mistake of all.
People who have made the most mistakes also have enjoyed the greatest successes.
However, all mistakes and failures are not equal. We want to avoid failure that stems from poor preparation, carelessness, or failure to be objective about the situation. Yet we don’t want to live in fear of making mistakes and end up running away from uncertainty.
Making the right kind of mistakes and avoiding the wrong kind involve the following:
1. Being objective about ourselves, others, and the situation,
2. Developing and practicing needed skills (whether in relationship, business, or sports), and
3. Assessing the risk to us and others of our actions.
The water ski legend Andy Mapple teaches that you never make a perfect slalom pass. Moreover, the goal is not to make a perfect pass. The goal is to be able to know what mistake you’re making while you’re making it, so that you can quickly adjust and compensate for it while skiing.
This is a great analogy for most aspects of life, such as relationships. No relationship is perfect. By eliminating the expectation that a relationship is either perfect or doomed and a waste of time, you can focus on improving your ability to better a relationship through practice. You can develop the ability to see more quickly how you are being triggered and to appropriately adjust your responses, OR to change your entire course regarding the relationship.
Relationships are a series of experiences and adjustments. The more we look at the relationship objectively, improve relationship skills, and consider the potential outcome of our choices, the more enriched our relationships become.
If we expect mistakes, but practice to reduce them, we end up making more interesting and less painful mistakes, and we will enjoy many rewarding successes along the way.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Recommended: Walt Disney’s Biography.
Read “Fear of failure: ‘I’m worried about failing.’”
Read “Sports Psychology: ‘I’m terrible at this sport. I can never get it right.’”
"Glissando" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
However, dwelling too long in a state of sadness can cause you to cultivate a chronic state of sadness. Neurologist John Arden shows that sustained thoughts and feelings of sadness can lead to a neurological perpetuation of sad thoughts and feelings.
For instance, in grieving about a divorce, people may have thoughts such as, “How could I have let this happen?” or “I’m no good at relationships,” or “I’ve been so stupid.” If sadness turns to brooding over thoughts like this, the thoughts become neurologically connected with the feeling of sadness. A person then can become stuck in a rut of obsessive negative thinking.
Dr. Arden states,
The longer you stay in a low emotional state, the greater is the probability that those neurons will fire together when you are sad and will therefore wire together. As a result, this will become the chronic foundation of your emotional experience.
Succumbing to and remaining in a perpetual state of sadness can cause a vicious cycle that makes it hard to move onto other emotional states.
While it is necessary and healthy to feel sadness at times and to grieve, it is important to avoid creating an entrenched neuro-network of sadness. It becomes necessary to seek situations where one can experience other thoughts and feelings.
After experiencing some time of grieving for a loss, ask yourself “What could I learn from this?” By focusing on learning and growing, you break the negative emotional cycle. Ask yourself questions, such as, “What could I do to make my life more fulfilling?” or “What thoughts would make me feel more gratitude right now?”
Here are some ideas of how to step out of all-consuming sadness:
– Try calling a friend just to say hello.
– Play music from a time in your life attached to good memories.
– Volunteer at a local hospital, church, or community center.
– Pick a language, any language you’ve ever wanted to learn, and enroll in a course in person or online.
– Improve your vocabulary in your own language (http://www.vocabulary.com/.)
– Write a list of projects you’ve always wanted to do, but never had time for (painting, re-organizing, etc.), and pursue one and take the first step towards making that a reality.
Sadness is a deep human emotion that highlights the transience of life. It is a reminder that life wants to be lived whole-heartedly.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “I found out my daughter has cancer. All I can do is cry and worry.”
Reference: Rewire Your Brain: Think Your Way to a Better Life by John B. Arden.
"Wisdom of Laughter" — Einstein by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Whether you have two left feet on the dance floor, do something clumsy, or say something embarrassing, it’s incredibly liberating to develop a sense of humor about yourself. Keeping in mind the greater scheme of things and having a long-term perspective allow you to see the humor in a situation.
When you can laugh at yourself, it shows confidence and puts others at ease. On the other hand, embarrassment (feeling awkward, self-conscious, and ashamed) calls attention to your shortcomings. People feel more uncomfortable when others are deeply embarrassed than they do when others make a mistake or dance like a klutz.
Having a sense of humor about yourself does not mean that you should belittle yourself. It simply means not to take your current situation and yourself too seriously.
In a culture where most people are not raised with music and dancing, it’s not unusual that some people feel uncomfortable on the dance floor. Yet, it’s better to transform your embarrassment than to miss out on life’s fun and adventure. Besides, with practice, we all can improve.
Humor boosts the chemistry of your brain by lowering the levels of the stress hormone cortisol. By helping the immune system to fight infections and serving as one of the body’s primary defense mechanisms, humor helps you to become healthier and happier.
Dance and humor are a great counterbalance to our everyday cerebral life pursuits. So if someone laughs at you, just smile back and keep dancing.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “I’m really upset about my child being made fun of at school.”
Read “Embarrassing adult relatives: Scowl! “Psst! Can’t you chew with your mouth closed?’”
Reference: Rewire Your Brain: Think Your Way to a Better Life by John B. Arden.