Category Archives: Attitude

“I don’t like many people in this town.”

Posted on by
1

"Comprehension" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the LIfe you Desire

The way you relate to the outside world reflects the way you relate to the inner world of your psyche. If you tend to be critical of many types of people, chances are you have a severe inner critic that condemns many different parts of yourself.

Such an inner critic causes you to disown and actively disavow parts of yourself, constricting your life-force, and possibly leading to depression. It prevents you from becoming a more multifaceted, life-embracing, and understanding individual.

An active antipathy for whole groups of people, for example, the rich, the sophisticated, tree-huggers, hipsters, nerds, jocks, or entire races of people, indicates a one-sided rigidity within your own personality that limits your empathy, your vitality, and ultimately, your life.

There’s no need to embrace people who are extreme and it’s fine not to like certain individuals. Undoubtedly, many people do not carry their personality traits very attractively. However, every type has some valuable qualities from which we can learn something. By comprehending why people are the way they are, your inner critic will soften, allowing you the flexibility and breathing room to live more expansively.

When you see or hear yourself starting to disparage whole groups of people stop and ask yourself, “Does this feeling really benefit me? How could my life be enhanced if I let go of these negative feelings and paid attention to the positive aspects of this group?”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I feel so critical of my partner.”

Perfectionism: “I’d like to have people over more often, but I rarely do, because it’s so much work to cook a great meal.”

Posted on by
Reply

"Impeccable" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you want to spend time with friends but don’t want to work too hard cooking, have a potluck or cook something easy. I think most people would rather spend the evening with friends they enjoy than a stressed-out host with an elaborate meal.



The perfectionist within might ask, “What’s wrong with excelling?” Yet, the desire to excel differs from the desire to perfect. Perfectionism is “a propensity for setting extremely high standards and being displeased with anything else.” Ironically, the anxiety created by the perfectionist’s fear of failure can ruin the sought after pleasure of cooking an excellent meal for friends.

There is no reason you can’t have BOTH the desire to excel and the ability to accept and enjoy reality, which is less than perfect. So if you want, try to cook something great, but maintain a relaxed attitude despite anything that MIGHT go wrong.

You rarely hear about the perfect dinner party, but an over-spiced, smoke-filled, ridiculously-problematic dinner tale gets a lot of mileage in laughter-filled stories long after the smoke clears. Laughter is much better for your health and your relationships than the anxiety of having to control for THE perfect outcome.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Too Responsible to Enjoy.”

“People are always criticizing me.”

Posted on by
5

“Alec” by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you are frequently criticized for a particular trait, you might consider whether people have a point. But if you seem to generally bring out the critical side of people, it could be that you are influencing this pattern by your demeanor.

As we grow up, we learn to anticipate how people are going to treat us before we actually interact. That anticipation makes it more likely that things will happen the way we expect. Our facial expressions and body language convey our expectations, and people tend to respond as we expect them to.

If you are used to being criticized, you anticipate feeling hurt and dejected. Just before an interaction, you may start reacting by slight cringing, looking down, or looking unsure. When people subliminally notice dejected body language, it often brings out their critical side.

It may be time to purposely change those expectations and corresponding body language. At first, you can simply pretend that you expect to be accepted and appreciated, rather than criticized. In other words, when you approach others, anticipate the positive. Facial expressions that convey confidence, anticipating acceptance, tend to induce a favorable response.

Once people start responding more positively, you’ll no longer need to pretend to expect the best. It will come naturally.

by Alison Poulsen PhD

Read “I’m really upset about my child being made fun of at school.”
Watch “Quieting a Harsh Inner Critic.”

Threatened by Partner going back to School:
“Why do you need to go back to school?”

Posted on by
4

Doc Rendezvous & Buzz Aldrin by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

There are great benefits in encouraging your partner to pursue his or her own interests, whether it involves studying the ancient Greeks or learning how to para-glide. There is nothing more loving and irresistibly attractive than having someone support you and believe in your endeavors and efforts.

Encouragement also promotes a desire to reciprocate. When your partner encourages you to pursue your interests, you’ll want him or her to pursue his or hers, whether it’s hiking or exploring petroglyphs.

Feeling threatened by your partner’s growth and education is usually based on a fear that your partner will grow beyond you. Rather than discouraging your partner, use that fear to push yourself to improve and grow.

When you encourage your partner to pursue his or her passions, it enriches both of your lives. Taking on challenges builds a healthy confidence and vitality. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone with enthusiasm for learning—someone like Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, who once said, “I have two passions: space exploration and hip hop,” than with someone who’s waiting for you at home weary and apathetic?

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I never get to go skiing anymore. My partner doesn’t like to ski.”

“I found out my daughter has cancer. All I can do is cry and worry.”

Posted on by
1

"Blue Angels" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Feelings of fear and worry are important to get our attention in times of danger. Once we are alerted to difficulties, however, we need to harness fear and worry in favor of our personal power. The most useful powers in times of difficulty include courage, love, and clear thinking.

If you are on an airplane that is in danger of crashing, would you want the pilot and flight attendants to be frightened and freaked out, or focused and unruffled?

Experiencing vulnerability is a crucial part of being able to feel empathy and love. Being able to feel sadness, longing, and fear is that which allows great artists, writers and musicians to convey the depths of the human experience.

However, we should not allow feelings and vulnerability to take over. Worry and anxiety are contagious and paralyzing. It is the power of our capabilities, our thinking, our courage, and our optimism that can best handle the inevitable difficulties of life.

In fact, the greater your ability to feel vulnerable AND CONTAIN feelings of fear and vulnerability without succumbing to anxiety, the greater comfort you will be to your daughter and the more you can be of help and continue to effectively function in times of crisis.

When you feel calm and courageous, you can clearly analyze your daughter’s situation without alternating between fake cheer and anxiety-ridden panic. You can also become a source of authentic strength and optimism.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Fearful Children.”