"Love me do!" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“I’d love to talk to you. Just give me 15 minutes to finish this project/write this letter/make a phone call.”
Or…
“I have some work to finish, but I do have a few minutes for you. What’s on your mind?”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Cool Drive" Ernie Els by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
To improve at a sport and be able to enjoy it, you need to stay cool and focused. No matter what your level, you don’t need to dwell on feeling disappointed about your performance. Simply focus on what you need to do to get better. Then you practice, and practice some more.
Swearing, throwing your equipment, and beating yourself up mentally will not inspire you to improve at any sport. Being hard on yourself simply doesn’t put you in the right frame of mind to progress.
Enhancing your game requires constructive analysis, coaching, focus, and practice. Constructive analysis means figuring out what you’re doing right and what your mistakes are without getting emotional.
Maintaining some humility gives a person perspective. But don’t let modesty turn into self-ridicule. Endless negative comments about how inept you are takes away from your focusing on the goals you set and becomes wearisome to others.
It’s difficult to be around people who moan and sigh about how lame they are. The fact is that most people focus more on their own game than how others are doing. However, what does count and get noticed is another person’s attitude. If you’re struggling, there’s no need to showcase your frustration.
The ideal mental and physical attitude for improving your game incorporates both intense focus and relaxed flexibility—which in turn is an good approach for living your life.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Mezzo Piano" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“Don’t worry. Everybody drops a glass once in while. Let’s get the broom.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Gloria with R.E.S.P.E.C.T." Gloria Reuben
by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
If this is the general way people seem to treat you and not a specific situation of sexual harassment, then it’s worthwhile to consider how you may be unconsciously inviting others to view you in this limited way.
Early upbringing and cultural attitudes toward women affect the way individual women view themselves. They then unwittingly convey their self-perception through their demeanor and body language, sending subtle cues as to how they expect to be treated. Some may dress or carry themselves provocatively, but others may dress normally or even in a frumpy manner to hide their sexuality. Usually body language communicates even more powerful messages than exterior clothing.
What these women seem to have in common is that they don’t view themselves as deserving of respect as being valuable, whole individuals.
A woman who views herself as a worthwhile, whole human being is less likely to pull in purely sexual responses. Even if someone were to make a sexual comment, she would not feel excessively flattered or defensive about it. If an inappropriate comment were made, she would view it as a reflection of the person making the comment rather than of herself.
Women who are more vulnerable to being treated as sex objects are often sensitive to such treatment as they seem to expect it on a deeper level. Some may even seek out that kind of attention, as it may be the only way they’ve learned to get attention and validation.
This seemingly unfair cycle can be broken, (1) by becoming aware of how you may unconsciously invite others to view you in that specific way, (2) by neutralizing your reactivity to it, and (3) by gravitating toward people and situations that don’t objectify you specifically or women in general. In addition, you could learn to develop and value other aspects of your personality—for example, your intelligence, your talents, your inner strength, or your search for greater meaning.
by Alison Poulsen PhD
"Dauntless" Lope's Hope by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Sarcastic people often hide behind the excuse of “I was just being funny.” Humor makes people laugh, but sarcasm does not.
The word comes from the Greek “sarkasmos” meaning “to tear flesh, gnash the teeth, and speak bitterly.” Sarcasm signifies “the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.” Contempt communicates the feeling that the other is unworthy of respect. It’s no longer so funny when someone treats you as though you are unworthy of respect.
People often use sarcasm because they have been treated poorly themselves, which creates a desire to retaliate by making other people feel foolish. Thus, the miserable cycle of biting cynicism fuels itself.
Sarcastic people have often been taught to feel uncomfortable talking about such unmanly things as feelings, needs and desires—e.g., being tired, overwhelmed, sad, angry, etc. They expect or hope that others will know what they feel and need.
Ironically, when we avoid expressing our vulnerabilities, it can lead to a subversive upwelling of those vulnerabilities. When they’re not expressed in a straight-forward manner, they simmer below the surface and erupt in a hurtful way.
Instead of saying “Are your arms broken?” it’s much more effective to state why you don’t want to carry something or otherwise undertake the task at hand. Here are some ideas of what you could say without attacking the other person:
“Sorry, I’m too tired. I’ve worked a lot today,”
“I’ve got my hands full,”
“I think you can handle it,”
“I would like it if you contributed a little more,” or
“I’d like to go relax and reread ‘Where the Wild things Are.’”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD