"Cassis, France" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“It’s great just to relax and recharge my energy.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“Are you calling me lazy? Don’t I deserve to relax?”
Reply
Category Archives: Attitude
“My ex was a psycho!”
"Mountain Madness Extreme" Squaw Valley by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
By telling others that your ex was a psycho, you’ve just told them a few of the following things about yourself:
1. You have poor judgment in making important decisions.
2. You make those closest to you so angry they seem crazy.
3. You are a black and white thinker, and don’t understand the complexity of relationships.
4. You don’t take responsibility for your role in the relationship.
5. You say bad things about those who were once closest to you.
Most ex-wives and husbands who are called “psychos” are simply regular people who are hurt, angry, and temporarily out of control. Most people have been there to some degree!
There are occasional circumstances in which someone marries a true psychopath without knowing it. These cases are rare and you probably won’t find their partners saying, “My ex was a psycho” in a judgmental manner. Their experience was just too painful to make light of the situation.
You would be more honest, thoughtful, and accountable if you said something like, “We had our differences, and let our frustrations get the better of us. I think we are both better off now and have learned something from the relationship.”
Sounds too level-headed? Then add, “I drove my ex crazy with my moodiness/indifference/selfishness.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “You sound like a broken record repeating stories about your psycho ex.”
Resentment Part 1:
“She got the job even though I work much harder. Hard work is a waste of time.”
"Power on the Slopes" Alberto Tomba
by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Resentment is the feeling of bitterness, anger, or hatred resulting from a real or imagined wrong. The key difference between resentment, anger and contempt stems from how a person perceives the status of the wrong-doer.
Resentment is directed at people with perceived higher status;
Anger is directed at people with perceived equal status;
Contempt is directed at people with perceived lower status.
Causes
Resentment is often triggered by an expression of humiliation or rejection by another person with real or imagined power. There is a feeling of being used, taken advantage of, or being unrecognized for achievements while others succeed without equal merit.
When people feel they have no power to address unfair or demeaning behavior, negative feelings get internalized. Bitterness further causes others to overlook or reject them. So by stewing on negative feelings, resentment compounds the problem of being belittled and marginalized.
Thus, working on personal authority is key to eliminating feelings of resentment.
To enhance your own self-empowerment:
• Recognize people who take advantage of you. Try to limit your exposure to them.
• Learn to speak up for yourself in a positive way, without being defensive or petty.
• Own your own achievements, while avoiding the extremes of excessive humility and being a braggart.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Resentment Part 2: ‘If I say anything, it will just make things worse.’”
“Oh my God! You’re bleeding!! Are you okay? You poor thing!”
"In the Pink" Paula Creamer by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“That must have hurt. Come on. Let’s go clean up this cut.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“I’m bored.”
"Tranquillo" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
“Boredom flourishes too, when you feel safe. It’s a symptom of security.”
~Eugene Ionesco
Boredom is a sense of suspension in moments that lack purpose, intensity, and activity. Boredom can arise when life is safe and easy and a person lacks challenge and curiosity. People who are driven to experience lively engagement of their minds and bodies may feel uncomfortable when they temporarily lack direction and stimulation.
Someone who’s bored might seek entertainment to avoid self-reflection or to feed self-centeredness, which are two sides of the same coin. Boredom is often caused by an anxiety of having to face quiet and perhaps emptiness—a fear that there will be nothing to feel if one is not active, excited, or busy.
To avoid falling into disconnected limbo, there are many quick fixes. Technological games and connectivity are easy distractions but don’t amount to a deep engagement of the mind and body.
On the other hand, persevering through boredom without seeking distraction can lead to self-awareness and groundedness that can arise out of self-reflection. Creativity can also ensue.
People sometimes say, “If you’re bored, you lack imagination.” Let’s go a step further and say that creative imagination requires the ability to withstand boredom. Creativity—where two unconnected ideas collide creating a new idea—occurs when the brain is relaxed and aware, but not distracted. Texting, computer games, web surfing, and looking in the refrigerator distract, but they don’t allow for free flow movement and the deepening of ideas.
How can we respond to boredom without jumping to a distraction?
1. Sit with the boredom. Mathematician and inventor Pascal wrote, “All man’s troubles come from not knowing how to sit still in one room.”
By avoiding distractions one is able to observe what lies underneath the unease of boredom. Rather than reaching for the phone, the TV remote, or a drink to kill boredom, use the time to sit or take a walk and “be with” yourself.
2. Focus on other people. Helping someone else instantly frees a person from the weariness of boredom. Rather than thinking about how to entertain yourself, think about how you could brighten someone else’s day. Volunteer work, for example, with the intent to help others is gratifying and absorbing. Even just noticing and perhaps smiling at someone while standing in line somewhere can deepen you awareness and make a difference to you and the other person.
3. Work or school. Dale Carnegie once recommended, “Are you bored with life? Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all your heart, live for it, die for it, and you will find happiness that you had thought could never be yours.”
If boredom is an ongoing theme in your life, it may be helpful to find work or enroll in classes to help you participate in the world in a meaningful way. Many people need external motivation, which school and work provide, to be focused on something other than their own vague yearnings.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Recommended article by Carolyn Johnson: “In Defense of Boredom”