“My negative emotions bring me down. I tend to dwell on feeling hurt or angry.”

"Passacaglia" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Negative emotions often indicate that what we are doing is not working for us. They signify that we need to become more flexible—to change our perceptions, our expectations, or our actions.

Flexibility allows us to deal with whatever life hands us without lingering with pain and suffering more than necessary. By becoming more versatile, we can view the twists and turns in our lives as an adventure. That’s not to say that there are not certain losses and disappointments that will be extremely painful. Still, much of our suffering can be used as a signal to change our action or to view a particular experience differently.

Notice that people who enjoy traveling are adaptable. They can go with the flow or change plans if necessary. If something unexpected happens, they don’t say, “This isn’t how I viewed my trip to Spain.” They become alert and alive, and often welcome the adventure unfolding before them.

Like traveling, life is a journey full of surprises and disappointments. The more quickly we can move forward with a new approach the better.

So, when you feel hurt, ask yourself, ”How can I change my expectations of the person who has hurt me?” When you are angry, ask yourself, “What step can I take to find justice or at least to avoid that same injustice in the future?”

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

~Albert Einstein

Life is pretty simple: You do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. You do more of what works. If it works big, others quickly copy it. Then you do something else. The trick is the doing something else.

~Leonardo da Vinci

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Luck: “I try so hard but am usually unlucky.””

Disappointment: “I’m so disappointed. How could she?”

"Glissando" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Disappointment is the feeling of unhappiness caused when your hopes or expectations are not realized. You feel let down because of the belief that you’re going to miss out on something forever.

All feelings have a purpose. Disappointment calls on you to modify your expectations. It’s a sign that things should be transitioning.

If you figure out what you can learn from your experience and change your expectations, then you can move on rather than linger in disenchantment. Once you’ve assessed why your expectations were unrealistic, you won’t repeat that particular miscalculation again.

However, don’t expect to avoid experiencing disappointment again. In order to do that, you’d have to give up hopes and expectations. Life would become dull and lifeless. A fulfilling life doesn’t occur without some frustration and disappointment.

Thus, the two common mistakes to avoid are:

1. Dwelling on the disappointment, and

2. Avoiding new experiences by becoming cynical.

An old Chinese tale shows how it’s hard to know when apparent misfortune is really good fortune and vice versa:

The son of a farmer had captured several fine wild horses. The neighbors were envious and murmured about his good luck. But the farmer shrugged his shoulders — “Life has it’s ups and downs,” he said. A few days later, the son broke his leg in trying to tame one of the horses. This time the neighbors whispered about his bad luck, but the farmer just shrugged his shoulders. Another week went by and government agents came by and took along every able-bodied man to fight invaders. The farmer’s son stayed behind.

Disappointment can lead to wonderful and healthy changes. It can cause you to re-evaluate what you want. It helps to set new goals and expectations on a continuous basis. Nothing helps more than a positive attitude and expecting the best again, but with a little more realistic outlook.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

~Mark Twain

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “The Fear of Loss: “I don’t want to be hurt anymore.”

“I hate Mondays!”

"Do you feel like I do?" — Peter Frampton
by Mimi Stuart, Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“Perspective changes everything. I’m going to stop complaining, change my attitude, and see what happens.”

I had no shoes and complained,
until I met a man who had no feet.

~Indian Proverb

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I hate my job!”

Dreading intrusive questions at family gatherings:
“It’s none of your business!”

"Backspin" — Tiger Woods by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Questions about getting married, getting a “real” job, or how the divorce is going can be awkward at family gatherings. It’s helpful to keep in mind that many relatives are truly concerned and simply want what’s best for you. Others might simply be trying to make conversation and to be considerate rather than intrusive.

Humor is a great way to deflect such prying questions. If asked about something awkward, keep a positive, light-hearted attitude. If you show that you feel uncomfortable or upset, you simply draw attention to yourself and to the topic.

If someone asks about your divorce status or financial situation, you could answer the question in a generality as Emerson would: ‘Money often costs too much.’”

Steer the conversation in the direction of their lives: “Aw, that’s not so interesting. What’s going on in your life?”

Try the quizzical eyebrow with a smile that says, “You can’t think of anything else to talk about? Come on now.”

If you know that someone is going to ask you when you are finally going to have children or some other unwelcome question, you might approach that person first in private, and say something like, “I know you want us to have children, but we haven’t made that decision yet. Let’s not bring it up at dinner. Thanks.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “How to respond to malicious gossip.”

Read “Why people gossip and how to avoid it.”

“I feel drained after hanging out with someone so negative.”

"Reflection of Inner Beauty" — Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant is…

“I’m going to spend time with people who enrich my life.”

Time is valuable. The people you spend time with have a big impact on your life. It’s important to choose people, activities, and books that elevate your thinking, your attitude, and your life.

You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.

~Jim Rohn

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Four ways to handle gossip.”