The Pursuer

Pursuers crave connection, assuming that it will satisfy their inner hunger to be seen or loved, but it seldom does. They’re often attracted to emotionally-independent or closed types, which makes it less likely that their need for connection will be met.

Sometimes their pursuit of connection is tainted with an unconscious expectation that they will be disappointed or rejected. This expectation causes them to come across as needy or insecure. Unfortunately, when a person’s desire for connection is tinged with neediness and apprehension, he or she becomes less desirable.

The vicious cycle of the Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic

Pursuers often take it personally when the other person needs some space. When Pursuers feel rejected, they put even more effort into pursuing connection. When they attach themselves too closely, Distancers feel smothered or trapped. When Distancers feel too much pressure for togetherness, they become anxious about losing their freedom and their sense of self, causing them to retreat further. 

Eventually Pursuers may become argumentative or withdraw out of anger or hurt in an unconscious attempt to create any kind of emotional connection, even a negative one, by provoking the Distancer’s anger, fear of abandonment, or dread of conflict.

No room for desire

Without realizing it, the Pursuer expresses enough desire for both partners. If one person is doing all the pursuing, the other has the luxury of remaining independent and allowing intimacy only on their own terms. The Distancer may not even recognize a personal desire for connection. In fact, Distancers often think that they have fallen out of love because there is not enough room for them to experience desire for their partner.

Pursuers need to withdraw from the Distancer and put more energy into their own lives and their own interests. When Pursuers realize that another person cannot provide for them what they need to provide for themselves, they can then focus on making their own lives more fulfilling. By becoming more independent and taking the time and space needed to pursue other endeavors, Pursuers can enrich their own lives and give the other person enough freedom and room to desire them again.

Solution

Once you become engaged with some of your own interests, work, friends, and/or sports, you’ll see a positive shift in your relationship dynamic. Your relationship will become more balanced, enjoyable, and sustainable.

When love comes from living a multifaceted full life, it becomes vitalizing and energizing. In essence, relationships become more satisfying for both individuals when you find some meaning to your life outside of the relationship. Then, connection can be enjoyed without grasping or clinging.

Everywhere we turn we are faced with impermanence.The more we cling – of course – the more pain we feel as things fade, disappear, die around us. And sometimes the more we cling, the more these things happen.” by John C. Parkin

by Alison Poulsen, PhD Psychology