“Basso Profundo” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Anger is often a signal that you or somebody you care about is being treated unfairly or being harmed. Being consumed by anger is not only unhealthy and unpleasant, it also causes you to be ineffective in dealing with the situation you are angry about.

Here are four steps to take to avoid becoming consumed by anger:

1. Understand the motivation of the person who is making you angry.

Simply understanding someone’s motivation does not mean accepting bad behavior. Understanding the motivation behind the behavior prevents you from taking things personally and allows you to take more effective action. For example, the behavior may have been inadvertent, a result of a series of unfortunate circumstances, or a weakness, such as envy, greed or feelings of inadequacy. Making sense of someone else’s behavior is not easy, but it helps you move from a position of victimhood to effective deliberation and action.

2. Change your expectations of the wrong-doer.

Anger at someone is often the result of frustrated expectations. Ask yourself how you might modify your expectations to match the reality you are experiencing. For instance, if someone is often rude and disrespectful, face that reality. Everybody has specific weaknesses and it is important to recognize those weaknesses. Then you can figure out whether you want to deal with them, and if so, to what degree.

3. Act to avoid further harm.

When you feel helpless in the face of bad behavior or injustice, it is easy to become bitter. Instead, when you view frustration and disappointment as life lessons, you can better prepare and protect yourself when you see similar patterns in the future. You can consider whether to speak up, whether to leave a relationship, what specific action to take, and what sort of situations and people to avoid in the future.

4. Focus on and participate in more fulfilling, life-enhancing activities.

When you focus exclusively on how harm done, resentment and bitterness will grow and overwhelm you. When you take to heart the lessons you have taken from your experience, you can free yourself from the torment, and then focus on which friends, activities, and ideas to embrace in the future. You will also learn to better appreciate people who are kind, giving and just in your life.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

~Buddha quotes

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I don’t want to get angry anymore.”

Read “Transformational Vocabulary: ‘I’m angry, totally confused, and an emotional mess over these overwhelming problems.’”