"Come-backer" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“I’d like to help but I can’t do so if you swear at me or continue to raise your voice.”
In difficult situations staying calm will create an atmosphere that is least likely to escalate tempers. Issuing commands, yelling, or swearing back generally stokes the flames of anger and the argument will spiral out of control.
Yet, ignoring the swearing or yelling by continuing to help someone who is treating you inappropriately is not the answer. Never accept demeaning language or behavior as this will encourage more of it in the future.
If the other person grabs you by the arm, don’t lose your calm. Face him or her squarely and repeat your request, “Look, nothing is accomplished by shouting. Let’s sit down and discuss this in a civilized manner.”
If the angry person continues, you can repeat yourself one more time: “As I’ve said before, I do want to help, but I cannot do so if you raise your voice and swear at me. And if you continue, I will walk away.” Be prepared to do so.
If the behavior continues, quietly walk away.
by Alison Pouslen, PhD
Read “Defensiveness: ‘What do you mean by that? You’re always attacking me!’”
I read this article yesterday, and I read it again. I will read it till the time I don’t grasp every bit of it. Thanks.
The main point is not to get into the facts of an argument if someone is out of control. If someone is yelling, swearing, or full of contempt, then don’t get into a discussion of the details. Don’t defend yourself; don’t attack the argument; don’t attack the person. Attempt to quiet things down, lay down your boundaries, or walk away until there is the possibility of having a productive discussion. Remain calm and say something like, “We can’t discuss anything by yelling,” or “I’d be glad to discuss this when we can do it with respect,” or “This is painful and unproductive. I have to go.”