“Symphonic Rejuvenation” by Mimi Stuart ©
“I’m still angry and hurt after my divorce, and I’m taking this out on others and my new guy. How can I stop being so judgmental, critical, and easily triggered?”
Although there is no easy way around feeling critical and judgmental, here are five suggestions on what to work on.
1. Underlying issues
Think about what is underlying those small things that are triggering you. For example, you may be experiencing fear of commitment, fear of being needed or controlled, a desire for more space, or fear of further rejection. Once you figure this out, determine whether the underlying issue can be dealt with. If appropriate, discuss the real issue with your partner.
For example, “Although I love spending time with you, I need some quiet time every day to catch up on work and correspondence / to read / to exercise / to meditate.” Or “I think I’m afraid of being hurt again, so sometimes I lash out to avoid getting too close and then being hurt again. Maybe we should take it a little more slowly.”
Be patient and learn not to react too quickly with criticism or judgment. Make it a habit before responding to take a deep breath while remembering what is important. For example, remind yourself that “Treating others poorly brings out the worst in both me and in others.” This will give you the time and motivation to resist behaving in an ineffective and negative way.
If you need more than the time it takes to breathe deeply, then make it a habit to say, “I need a moment to think about that.”
3. Mental rehearsal
Imagine the situations that are likely to trigger you. Visualize and practice how you would like to respond in those situations. Awareness and practice are key, just as they are in learning a new sport or language.
Through focused intentional practice, effective communication will become easier and you’ll feel better about yourself. The positive effects of your improved responses will reward and foster the improved way of interacting with others.
4. Reflection
Re-assess other aspects of your life. Do you have some ongoing resentment in your life that you are not addressing? Is there another relationship where you feel disrespected? Are your current relationships too accepting of your negativity, which may cause you to show disrespect?
You may find that avoiding a challenge or problem in your life is making you irritable. When you take steps to deal with whatever is oppressing you, you will feel lighter and become less easily aggravated with everyone around you.
5. Improving your life
Take time to look into some new activities and relationships that might interest you. When a person feels stuck, all sorts of little things may become irritating. On the other hand, when a person is excited about a new pursuit or plan in his or her life, little things become less annoying.
When you put in the effort to stop being critical and judgmental, your life and relationships will improve dramatically. When you look for the best in others, they will often respond with the best of themselves.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD