While it’s nice to say, “You’re terrific” or “You’re so smart,” there are much better, more meaningful ways to compliment a person.
A Great Compliment
A great compliment, like good communication, is both specific and personal. The compliment praises the individual for a particular characteristic, act or behavior, and it highlights the effect it has on oneself or others.
Examples of Great Compliments
For example, “When I see you walk into the room, my heart lights up and I feel lucky to know you.”
“The way you handle hardship with tenacity, courage and a good attitude has inspired me to try to do the same during these difficult times.”
“Your way with words makes even the most ordinary conversation interesting and enjoyable.”
“Your beaming smile is contagious and makes me feel happy.”
“I admire how you see the bigger picture and understand nuanced and multiple viewpoints in a world where people are often too one-sided.”
“Your painting brings to life the joy and beauty in the melancholy of rain.”
Another example of a great compliment is from the movie “As good as it gets,” where Melvyn, played by Jack Nicholson, concludes his oblique compliment by saying, “You make me want to be a better man.”
Compliments that are specific and personal can’t help but make someone feel good.
Two people with different opinions can have an effective discussion if they listen to each other and speak in a way that will make them likely to be listened to. Here is an effective way to transition to your own point of view:
“Yes, though I see it differently.”
“Yes”
“Yes” shows that you have heard what the other person said. Of course it’s important to actually listen to the other person. “Yes” can be expanded to express what you understand the other person’s viewpoint to be.
For example, “Yes, I see that you think I criticized you.”
“Yes, I understand that you are really angry.”
“Yes, I recognize that she yelled at you.”
Tone
Tone of voice is key. A tone of condescension will cause the other person to bristle. A tone of hostility will cause the other to become defensive. A tone of weakness or victimhood will trigger the bully in the other person. So your tone should express self confidence as well as respect for the other.
“Though I see it differently”
Stating that you see things differently is quite different from saying one of the following:
“You’re wrong.”
“That’s stupid.”
“No, you don’t understand.”
It’s hard for the other person to argue against you simply because you “see things differently.” By approaching a difficult conversation in this way, you can introduce other considerations while keeping the peace.
Your viewpoint
When you express your opinion, use terms such as “I believe,” “I think,” “My experience is,” “I have noticed,” “I want,” or “I need.”
For example, “I believe her anger comes from fear and not knowing how to communicate effectively. So I want to give her a chance.”
“To me, time alone is re-energizing; it’s not about being away from you. I simply need to recharge.”
“I really value compromise. I want to figure out a way to satisfy both of us as best as possible.”
Most discussions involve viewpoints rather than facts. So it’s best to avoid assuming a false dichotomy where only one person is right and the other is wrong. Others are more likely to really listen to you when you use words and body language that show respect and understanding for different points of view.
My boyfriend treats me with contempt and lies to me. He is texting, calling, and attempting to meet up with his ex or another new girl every time we have a (terrible) fight and he lies about them. I know he’s sick and tired of our constant fights and we have issues such as contempt/disrespect from my side and communication/withdrawal/leadership issues from his side.
Should I just be a big girl and ignore these behaviors as there is no physical cheating yet? Are these behaviors harmless?
M
Dear M,
The behaviors you are each engaged in are very destructive to the relationship. Contempt and disrespect
You say you treat your boyfriend with contempt and disrespect. No relationship can withstand contempt for long. Often people are disrespectful because they blame their frustrations on their partner and don’t know how to effectively express those frustrations.
Let’s focus on you. You obviously do not feel good about yourself and your behavior in this relationship. Consider John Gottman’s research that shows that if 80% of communication is not positive between a couple, that relationship will disintegrate. As you really only have control over your own conduct, eliminate your disrespectful behavior and your life will improve whether or not you stay with your boyfriend.
To sustain a good relationship, you need to clearly and respectfully communicate your needs and expectations, while actively listening to your partner’s point of view. You need to learn to communicate effectively and respectfully, through counseling or effective communication classes, such as Marshall Rosenberg’s “nonviolent communication,” where you learn to express your desires without putting the other person on the defensive. It is very self-empowering to be able to clearly express yourself without judgment, contempt, or manipulation.
Seeking outside relationships and lying
I can see why your boyfriend would want to seek validation from others if you are treating him with contempt. But pursuing others without breaking up first and then lying to you afterwards shows that he is willing to deceive you and deny you your own life choices for the sake of his convenience.
You cannot trust someone who wants to continue a relationship while secretly exploring new ones. You cannot enjoy a committed relationship with someone who does not have the courage to be honest with you.
Thus, I suggest leaving this relationship to the realm of life experience and learning, and instead focus on the way you handle yourself in future relationships.
What now?
If I were in your situation, I would start by taking responsibility for my own behavior. If you find yourself treating anyone with contempt, apologize immediately and show a willingness to stop that harmful behavior. Find a positive way to express your needs and desires.
In the future, the main thing is that both partners learn to listen to one another without judgment and argument. You should be able to discuss anything, including hurt feelings and even breaking up while treating the other person humanely. Focus on speaking candidly in a compassionate way in order to make the relationship work.
