Talking about other people is natural. Sometimes though, talking about others brings everyone down. How do we distinguish harmless from malicious gossip? And why do people partake in malicious gossip?
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”
Read: “Gossip: ‘I can’t stand malicious gossip, but sometimes I end up participating in it!’”
“Angle of Approach” — Furyk by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
“Let’s agree to include both our opinions into the solution. Let’s start by finding our common ground.”
Sarcasm furthers hostility.
Giving in causes resentment.
You can frequently find a healthy compromise if you remain calm, respectful, and persistent.
Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.
~John F. Kennedy
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “I end up arguing with him because he’s usually too busy working to talk.”
Read Positive Bonding Patterns:
“We never fight, but we don’t talk anymore and there’s no more passion.”
“The Kiss” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
If 80% of your communication is neutral or positive, that is, appreciative or respectful, then your relationship is likely to be fulfilling in the long-term*. If, however, more than 20% of your communication is disrespectful, hostile, or withdrawing, then your relationship is likely to deteriorate over the long-term.
Respectful communication does not mean becoming a yes-man or yes-woman. It simply means treating another person as worthwhile. You can do this without discarding your important values, desires, and opinions. You can respectfully disagree. You can decide to do your own thing without demeaning the other person. Respect and love for another person does not contradict self-respect.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Respect each other: ‘He’s always talking down to me.’”
“Tempest” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Worry
Worry, however, is an ineffective state of anxiety where we repeatedly imagine all sorts of negative possibilities. Once our children are young adults and off to college or work, worry on our part degrades the quality of our lives rather than helps our children. While unfortunate things do happen, there is a point where worrying about our children doesn’t help and in fact sometimes can make things worse.
Too much warning
When you continually warn your adult children of all the dangers in the world, it often causes them to be less careful. Even with young children you should make sure not to be overly anxious or you will lose credibility with them. Moreover, you will annoy them by infantilizing them and implying that that they are not capable of thinking on their own.
Imagine being a child. If an adult is constantly warning you of danger, you don’t take on responsibility and accountability for looking for those dangers yourself. Moreover, you soon see the warnings as being exaggerated. So the reckless part of you wants to act out. The degree to which someone focuses on telling you to be careful is the degree to which you will either become overly fearful or overly reckless, and sometimes ironically both.
Learning to evaluate risk
The best way to learn to evaluate risk is by having many experiences of evaluating risk, and sometimes making mistakes and facing the consequences. When you know that you are accountable for yourself, you tend to put more effort into evaluating situations and making decisions.
Children need to be able to make mistakes, sometimes painful, within the context of a safe environment. Of course, small children need to be kept safe. Over time, however, parents should gradually allow their children more leeway to think about the choices they make. Certainly by the time their children become adults, parents are only cultivating codependence, resentment, and rebellion by inundating their children with lectures and warnings.
Thus, if you tend to worry and frequently give caution to your adult children or excessively give warning to your younger children, you need to take stock, gain some self-discipline and resist focusing on your children. If you rarely give advice, the advice you do give will be taken more seriously.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “I am overwhelmed by worry.”
Read “I fear something bad is going to happen. It feels like the end of the world.”
Read “I found out my daughter has cancer. All I can do is cry and worry.”
“Mr. Hole-in-One” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
So… what I REALLY meant was…
“I feel discouraged when I come home and see dirty dishes. It would make me happy to come home to a cleaner house. I would appreciate it if you would accommodate me.”
Criticism, complaints, and blame put people on the defensive. On the other hand, you can give the other person an opportunity to do something nice for you by phrasing your request diplomatically.
First of all, instead of attacking the other person, express how you feel given the simple facts, that is, “dirty dishes” instead of “horrible mess.” Then describe specifically what you would like him or her to do and how good it would make you feel. Most people enjoy making others happy. So express how appreciative you would be to come home to a clean house.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Communicating Effectively under Stress: ‘This is horrible!’”