“Off-Road Rumble” Juliana Furtado
by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire
“I need to figure out how to take care of my back so that it heals. In the meantime, there are a lot of others things to enjoy and for which to be grateful.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Bad mood: ‘I feel so bad and don’t feel like doing anything.’”
Read “Should we always be positive? ‘Just be happy!’”
Read “Getting over your Victim Story: ‘My brother got all the attention.’”
“Dreams and the Underworld” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Contrary to misinformation spread by “experts” online, covert narcissists are not cunning and manipulative. Classic narcissists are: they often disguise their true nature effectively, knowingly, and intentionally. They are persistent actors with great thespian skills. Not so the covert narcissist: he suppresses his true nature because he lacks the confidence to assert it. His is not a premeditated choice: can’t help but shy away. The covert narcissist is his own worst critic.
Inverted narcissists are covert narcissists. They are self-centered, sensitive, vulnerable, and defensive, or hostile, and paranoid. They harbour grandiose fantasies and have a strong sense of entitlement. They tend to exploit other, albeit stealthily and subtly. Covert narcissists are aware of their innate limitations and shortcomings and, therefore, constantly fret and stress over their inability to fulfill their unrealistic dreams and expectations. They avoid recognition, competition, and the limelight for fear of being exposed as frauds or failures. They are ostentatiously modest.
Covert narcissists often feel guilty over and ashamed of their socially-impermissible aggressive urges and desires. Consequently, they are shy and unassertive and intensely self-critical (perfectionist). This inner conflict between an overwhelming sense of worthlessness and a grandiose False Self results in mood and anxiety disorders. They team up with classic narcissists (see below), but, in secret, resent and envy them.
Compare the classic narcissist to the covert narcissist is this table (Cooper and Akhtar, 1989):
The Inverted Narcissist is a co-dependent who depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you are living with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, if you are married to one, if you are working with a narcissist, etc. it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist.
To “qualify” as an inverted narcissist, you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by him/her. You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists and ONLY with narcissists, no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality Disorder, can you be safely labelled an “inverted narcissist”.
by Sam Vaknin, PhD, Author of the comprehensive book on narcissism “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited.”
Read Sam Vaknin,’s “Is He Truly Modest or Just Faking It?”
Read Sam Vaknin’s “Schizoid Personality Disorder: ‘He is either the spirit of the party – or a hermit.’”
Read “Bragging on a First Date: ‘I graduated with top honors and live on Snobhill.’”
“Perfect Swing” — Paula Creamer by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
People who make and break promises are generally motivated to please other people. Ironically, by pleasing them in the moment without desiring to follow through they cause disappointment.
So how do you respond to someone who wants to get together when you might have other things you would prefer to do?
“I like to keep my weekends unplanned and play things by ear.”
“I have to see what else I have going on.”
“I’m just going to hang out at home and catch up on reading and chores.”
“I don’t have any free time this weekend.”
“I keep my weekends open so I can go windsurfing/play golf when the weather’s good.”
Rather than raise expectations, be honest about not wanting to plan ahead. This allows the other person to make other plans. You don’t have to disappoint them and you won’t dread it when they call.
Buy yourself some time. Interrupt the ‘yes’ cycle, using phrases like “I’ll get back to you,” then consider your options.
~Auliq Ice
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “The courage to say ‘No’: ‘I wish I hadn’t said ‘Yes,’ I just don’t have the time!’”
Read “Disappointment: ‘I’m so disappointed. How could she?’”
“Lady Liberty” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
People who become volatile in close relationships often do so as a result of taking other people’s behavior too personally. Other people’s words and actions generally reflect their own psychological state, including their personal perspective, fears, desires, and insecurities. When you realize that their actions are generally a reflection of themselves more than their attitude toward you, it will be easier for you to retain your emotional control.
Suppose that your new girlfriend is upset because she couldn’t get in touch with you. Before going on the defensive, you may want to find out what is motivating her strong reaction. She may have been lied to and cheated on by a previous boyfriend. Knowing this should cause you to see that she is not accusing you, but responding out of fear from a past experience. So give her the benefit of the doubt.
Listen first.
When people don’t feel listened to, they tend to get more adamant and angry, and try even harder to make sure their point gets across.
There are two benefits to listening to the other person fully before reacting. First, you’ll find out what’s really motivating the other person and you’ll avoid jumping to conclusions. Second, the angry person will let off steam, and be able to listen to you once the bottled-up emotions have been vented. Sometimes, simply listening is enough to diffuse and change the whole situation.
Once you have listened, paraphrase what you’ve heard so the other person knows that he or she has been heard and understood.
Stay calm.
Avoid attacking the other person when you explain the situation from your point of view. You will be much more effective for two reasons. First, the other person is more likely to listen to you if you are not angry, condescending or passive-aggressive. Second, you won’t seem defensive. Defensiveness telegraphs to others that you lack self-control or feel guilty. In essence, emotional volatility broadcasts to others that you are too weak to stay in control of yourself.
Once you see how much more effective you are when you stay calm, you’ll find that it will become easier to resist the impulse to be emotionally triggered. Keep in mind that you will feel more self-empowered and appear more confident to others when you stay centered. As a result, others will take you more seriously and respect you more.
Practice!
Psycho-drama is the most effective way to prepare for those situations that trigger you. Think up situations that have triggered you in the past or that are likely to trigger you in the future. Figure out how you would be most effective responding in such situations. Then practice your response—your choice of words, body language, and tone of voice—until it becomes natural without a hint of sneering or whining. You can practice with a friend or in front of the mirror. It helps to have a friend give you feed back and help you eliminate the meekness in your voice or contempt in your demeanor so that you will become powerful and effective.
Calmness is the cradle of power.
~Josiah Gilbert Holland
by Dr. Alison Poulsen