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Guest Author SAM VAKNIN, PhD:
“Can’t Get My Mother’s Voice Out of My Head!”

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"Ambition" by Mimi Stuart

“Ambition” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Children of narcissistic parents grow up to become either sensitized or desensitized to narcissistic behaviours, traits, and personalities.

In adulthood, sensitized offspring are able to rapidly discern the presence of narcissists by reading their body language and by resonating with subtle cues emitted by the narcissist even when he is on his best behavior and when he puts on a show and embarks on his charm offensives. They experience repulsion, resentment, and rage and react by distancing themselves from the narcissistic source and, when this fails, by aggressively containing the narcissist. This “allergic” reaction remains potent even with repeated exposures to the same source.

Desensitized individuals – a small minority – seek to recreate the experiences they have had with the narcissistic parent by becoming an Inverted Narcissist.

Both types of children of narcissists – the sensitized and the desensitized – conduct a lifelong dialog with the Good Mother and Bad Mother inner representations and introjects. This consists of the Bad (narcissistic) Mother disparaging the qualities of a Good (mentally healthy) Mother and forcing her Good (read: codependent) Son/Daughter to justify and defend her destructive misbehaviour and pernicious, insidious traits.

Good Mother (Bad Mother voice=BM)

The Good Mother (as seen by her children) …

Is angelic, pure

BM: An angelic and pure being is not human, it is idealized and, therefore, dehumanized. It exists only in your imagination.

Is always present

BM: She is merely taken for granted. You don’t even pay enough attention to her to notice if she is actually there. She is like a fixture.

Is predictable, reliable, consistent

BM: Polite terms for boring.

Is emotionally safe

BM: Euphemism for not exciting or adventurous.

Is considerate and empathic

BM: You expect her to be prescient and predict your needs and wishes even before you become aware of them. This will never happen. So, you either deceive yourself – or end up being mighty disappointed.

Is concerned, involved, compassionate, caring

BM: She is probably vigilant or paranoid which drives her to spy on you and to try to control your every move.

Provides unconditional love: she loves the child regardless of his/her “performance” in fulfilling her expectations

BM: This amounts to spoiling the child: pleasant in the short-term, deleterious later on in life. Love should be conditioned on good behavior and performance – it’s the only way to face the hostile, merciless world out there.

Bad Mother (Good Son/Daughter voice=GSD)

The Bad Mother (as seen by her children) …

Provides transactional love, conditioned on the child’s performance in meeting her expectations and fulfilling her wishes and needs

GSD: She has my welfare in mind. She is merely training me to survive (“tough love”). The world is hostile or indifferent and people are measured solely by whether and how they perform. Transactional love is a good preparation for life.

Is emotionally and/or physically absent

GSD: She is not smothering or doting, she is giving me space to encourage and foster my personal growth. She is not a control freak and she trusts me to get on with my life.

Is capricious, arbitrary, inconsistent

GSD: She is exciting to be around, adventurous, and colourful.

Engages in emotional blackmail, is withholding and punitive

GSD: These are the just deserts for having disappointed her and for having misbehaved. I deserve what’s coming to me. She is fair and blameless.

Offers bribes and rewards for behaviours and accomplishments that conform to her wishes, fantasies, and expectations

GSD: Her giving is proof of her love and how much she notices and appreciates my achievements. We had a common goal which we set to achieve together.

Engenders with the child a cult-like shared psychosis (shared fantasies)

GSD: She shielded me from painful and harmful reality with her wonderful capacity for storytelling and weaving narratives.

Suggests to the child that they are faced with common “enemies” and that s/he is her true husband, romantic/intimate partner, or friend (emotional incest)

GSD: My mother has always been my best friend and made me feel unique. She could rely on me and trust no one but me. We had a special bond. We were united against the whole world, or at least against my monstrous, or no-good father. She made me feel that I am her one and only true love and passion.

Makes the child parent her and displays neediness and clinging

GSD: She sacrificed her life for me; she needs me; she cannot cope without me.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the excellent Author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited.”

Read Guest Author Dr. Sam Vaknin’s “Children with Personality Disorders—
‘A Good Mother Loves Her Children Unconditionally, No Matter What.’”

Read “Rebuilding your Life: ‘How do I silence their abusive voices in my head, stop being hard on myself and start living?’”

Read “Too Much Attachment: ‘Honey, you’re so smart and talented!’”

Conversations Without End:
“I wish I could get off the phone.”

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"Kiai" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Kiai” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Have you ever wished you could cut short a conversation that never seems to end, but you dread offending the other person and as a result you just keep listening? Tedious and one-sided conversations and phone calls can be draining and exhausting. These sorts of vent sessions, complaining, and gossip can leave you feeling wrung out and empty.

Yet many people find it difficult to end these encounters because they fear offending the other person. Whether the other person is a co-worker, family member, friend, or acquaintance, it’s helpful to know how to enforce boundaries without being rude. The same techniques can be used for ending worthwhile conversations at times when you have time constraints.

Here are some ideas:

1. Mention your time constraint. Often you can give the talkative person a warning at the beginning of the conversation about your time constraints, e.g., that you only have a few seconds, a minute, or 15 minutes. “Hi. I only have a minute.” One minute later, “I have to go. Have a great afternoon.” End it promptly and you will not have the problem.

2. Interrupt. It may be necessary to interrupt the talker, but you can do so without sounding angry or impatient. A matter of fact, polite tone of voice, without being apologetic or unsure works best. “Unfortunately, I have to get going. Talk to you soon.”

3. Be diplomatically honest. If these types of conversations with a particular person are an ongoing problem that you’d like to address, speak of your own feelings without attacking or judging the talker. “I’m sorry not to be able to help you, but I have to tell you that it is exhausting when we talk about these problems so much. I’d prefer to talk about something more uplifting.” Or, “I like to connect with you, but I don’t have much time to talk with all of my commitments to work and to the kids.”

Time is valuable. When you waste time waiting anxiously for a conversation to end because you are trying to be polite, you are not helping the perpetrator or yourself to live a more fulfilling life.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Distinguishing Harmless from Malicious Gossip.”

Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”

Read “I have friends who bring me down.”

Read “The Introvert and the Extrovert: ‘You always stay home!’”

Gossip: “I can’t stand malicious gossip, but sometimes I end up participating in it!”

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"Peace - Buddha" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Peace – Buddha” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

It’s normal to be intrigued by the enthralling and sometimes unfortunate situations that people we know might find themselves in. However, when spreading news turns into an opportunity to delight in someone else’s misfortune, to malign someone, or to get attention, people involved in listening and spreading the gossip tend to feel dirty afterwards.

When you sense that news is turning into Schadenfreude—feeling happy about someone else’s misfortune—then it is time to take action and change the direction of the conversation or terminate your involvement completely.

When faced with gossipmongering, you can:

1. Change the subject: Steer the conversation in the direction of the gossiper. “How’s your work going?” “How’s your husband doing?”

2. Use humor: Humor is a great way to deflect prying questions. Keep a positive, light-hearted attitude and suggest that nobody is perfect.

3. Empathize with the victim: “Let’s take a look at it from his side.” People who gossip are often used to getting others’ attention and agreement. They might be taken aback, and stop, if you defend the person being slandered.

4. Insinuate a light reprimand: “Let’s talk about something more positive and decide what we’re going to do this afternoon.” Such a statement implies disapproval, but is softened with an alternative topic of discussion.

5. Be direct: “I feel uncomfortable enjoying someone else’s adversity. Let’s not gossip about people unless we’re trying to help them.” This is direct and can be said to people who can handle honest criticism, or when gossip is particularly malicious.

6. Avoid the gossiper: As a last resort, if you can’t stop immature or malicious gossip, avoid the gossiper all together.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Distinguishing Harmless from Malicious Gossip.”

Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”

Read “Gossip vs. Honesty: ‘It is better to be honest and realistic than to pretend everyone is such an angel when they are not?’”

Read “Gossip: ‘What else did you hear?’”