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Codependence by GUEST AUTHOR SAM VAKNIN, PhD:
Issues and Goals in the Treatment of Dependent Personality Disorder

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"Mayan Haab Calendar" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Mayan Haab Calendar” by Mimi Stuart ©

Guest Author SAM VAKNIN, PhD:

You have been diagnosed with Dependent Personality Disorder (Codependence, or Codependency) and you have decided to attend therapy. Here is a brief guide to the personal issues that you should tackle and the goals that you and your therapist should aspire to.

ISSUE 1

The codependent patient has alloplastic defenses and an external locus of control: though she believes that she is in full control of her life, her behavior is mostly reactive and she is buffeted by circumstances and decisions made by other people – hence her tendency to blame the outside world for every misfortune, mishap, and defeat she endures. She rarely takes responsibility for her choices and actions and is frequently surprised and resentful when faced with the consequences of her misconduct.

The patient is convinced that she is worthless and bad, a loser and no-good. She is masochistically self-destructive and self-defeating in her romantic relationships. These propensities are compounded by a predilection to decompensate and act out, sometimes violently, when her defences fail her.

GOAL 1

To develop autoplastic defences and an internal locus of control: to learn to assume responsibility for her actions and refrain from self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors.

ISSUE 2

Having been deprived of it in her childhood, the patient is on a perpetual quest for ideal love: motherly, protective, engulfing, omnipresent, and responsive. Her mate should be handsome, sexy, and should draw attention from and elicit envy. He should be fun to be with and intelligent, although passive, malleable, compliant, and subservient.

Yet, the typical codependent has been exposed only to transactional and conditional love from her parents: love was granted in return for meeting their unrealistic and, therefore, inevitably frustrating expectations.

Such patients resort to fantasy and develop a deficient reality test when it comes to their romantic liaisons. The patient lacks self-awareness and sets conflicting goals for her intimate partners: they are supposed to provide sex, intimacy, companionship and friendship – but also agree to be objectified and to self-deny in order to fulfill their roles in the codependent’s “film”.

GOAL 2

To develop realistic expectations regarding love, romance, and relationships as well as relationship skills.

ISSUE 3

The narcissistic codependent idealizes her intimate romantic partners and then devalues them. She seeks to “mold” and “sculpt” them to conform to her vision of the relationship. She deprives them of their self-autonomy and makes all decisions for them. In other words: she treats them as objects, she objectifies them. Such a patient is also a verbal and, at times, physical abuser. This impoverishes her relationships and hinders the development of real intimacy and love: there is no real sharing, no discourse, common interests, or joint personal growth.

Owing to the patient’s insecure attachment style and abandonment/separation anxiety, she tends to cling to her partner, monopolize his time, smother him, and secure his presence and affection with material gifts (she is a compulsive giver.) As she holds himself worthless and a loser, she finds it hard to believe that any man would attach to her voluntarily, without being bribed or coerced to do so. She tends to suspect her partner’s motives and is somewhat paranoid. She is possessive and romantically jealous, though not exceedingly so. This environment tends to foster aversions in her romantic partners.

GOAL 3

To develop a productive and healthy attachment style and learn relationship skills.

ISSUE 4

The codependent’s proclaimed desire for stability, safety, predictability, and reliability conflicts with her lifestyle which is itinerant, labile, chaotic, and involves addictive and reckless behaviors. Her need for drama, excitement, and thrill (adrenaline junkie) extends to her romantic relationships. Owing to her low threshold for boredom and multiple depressive, dysphoric, anhedonic, and anergic episodes, she seeks distractions and the partner to provide them. She, therefore, shows a marked preference for men with mental health issues who are likely to lead disorganized lives and to react to her abuse dramatically and theatrically.

GOAL 4

Learn how to choose partners who would bring stability and safety into the relationship and how to interact with them constructively. Learn anger management skills.

ISSUE 5

The narcissistic codependent has strong narcissistic defenses, especially when it comes to maintaining her grandiosity with the aid of narcissistic supply. She needs to feel chosen and desired (a flip coin of and antidote to her fear of rejection); be the centre of attention (vicariously, via her intimate partner); and to conform to expectations, values, of judgments or her peer group, relatives, and other role models and reference figures. See: Inverted Narcissist.

GOAL 5

To develop a more realistic assessment of herself and her romantic partners and, thus, reduce her dependence on narcissistic defences and narcissistic supply.

by SAM VAKNIN, PhD, Author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” — a comprehensive analysis of narcissistic personality disorder and correlated abuse.

Read “I Can’t Live Without Him/Her” by Sam Vaknin, PhD.

Read “I am Terrified that S/he will Abandon Me! I will Do Anything to Avoid It!” by Sam Vaknin, PhD.

“I fear something bad is going to happen. It feels like the end of the world.”

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"Mayan Tzolk'in calendar" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Mayan Tzolk’in calendar” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Anxiety is part of being human. Yet most people feel uncomfortable with anxiety; so they tend to attach it to something external to make sense of it. Freud pointed out that free-floating anxiety often gets attributed to objects or situations, such as spiders, heights, even aliens and, yes, the end of the world.

Another example is a person who frequently fears that something dreadful is going to happen. Will our son drink too much? Will I get cancer? Will a driver crash into me? Will someone break into our home? Although we can do some things to avoid disaster, we cannot control everything even if we are hyper-vigilant.

Ironically, it doesn’t matter if specific bad events do not occur, precisely because people who externalize anxiety are living in a state of fear and worry. Being in a constant state of anxiety prevents a sense of inner peace, enjoyment, and the ability to laugh off some otherwise annoying nuisance. When people spend too much time fretting about what could happen and all the things that could go wrong, they lose sight of the fact that at this moment everything is just fine.

That doesn’t mean we should be naive or ignore potential danger. We need to be aware of our surroundings and avoid danger when it is avoidable. However, we also need to be able to appreciate the present moment regardless of what the future may bring. In fact, with wisdom and practice, we can manage to experience a state of inner peace even in the face of actual pain and loss.

How we use fear is under our control. We must find a happy medium between
1) checking out our surroundings for danger and planning against negative things happening in the future, and
2) letting go and appreciating the Now, understanding that much of life is not under our control.

Take the worst-case scenario: the possibility of an apocalypse. Why not live every day as though there is a split chance between this being the last day of life and it being the first day of the rest of a long life? Then we will have no regrets.

To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.

~Katherine Paterson

You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind.

~Dale Carnegie

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Avoidance Behavior: ‘I’ve been dreading telling her about our financial problems.’”

Read “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: ‘Since he lost his job, he doesn’t seem to care about our relationship.’”

GUEST AUTHOR J.C. writes about Alcoholism in the Family
“I’m stressed out because she won’t quit drinking.”

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“Rovinj at Dawn” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Guest Author J.C.,
Founder of “Alcoholics Friend” website, submits this article:

Four Solutions To One Huge Problem – Alcoholism in the Family

If you are looking for a way to get an alcoholic in the family to stop drinking, I don’t have any solutions. What I can do is to point you towards four avenues, which will all lead you to an abundance of peace and serenity.

I cannot force change upon anyone. I can only change myself.

Why should you listen to me?

I grew up with alcoholic parents. Several of my relatives also have a drinking problem. I battled the forces of addiction in myself and have now been sober for over fourteen years. I was married to an alcoholic who also was addicted to controlled substances. I’ve attended thousands of support group meetings within the Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-anon programs.

I know what it is like to be addicted to alcohol and what it is like to be addicted to the substance abuser. I know how to stay sober. I also have learned how to live with and love an alcoholic without conditions. Apply the wisdom that follows and you will be off to making some positive changes in your life.

Four paths to serenity:

1. Letting go of the alcoholic

2. Detachment from the addict

3. Setting boundaries with the substance abuser

4. Stop being an enabler

1. Letting Go:

-Have the things you have been doing to try to control the addict’s behavior had any lasting positive effect on the situation?

-Has anything that you have done made the alcoholic quit drinking?

-Do you find yourself obsessing over their behaviors, 24/7?

-Do you want to have more peace and serenity in your life?

My idea of change is really simple to understand and it is this: let go or be dragged. Changing your behavioral patterns is the most difficult challenge to meet.

Here are a couple of my ideas on how to let go of the substance abuser:

A. Stop invading their private life. Don’t check their email, phone records or mail nor try to listen in on what they are doing behind closed doors.

B. Refrain from checking up on their whereabouts. When the substance abuser is supposed to be at work, don’t call work to see if they are really there. If they haven’t come home when they were supposed to and aren’t answering their phone, discipline yourself to not go searching for them. Avoid going out of your way to see if they are at the bar, a friend’s house, work or any place they are or are not supposed to be.

2. Detachment:

I didn’t realize how enmeshed with the alcoholic I had become until I started participating in the Al-anon program. I was on a wild roller coaster ride of emotions that were solely influenced by the alcoholic’s mood swings.

There are two parts to severing emotional ties to the addict. One is physical detachment. The other is getting them out of our minds.

Here are a couple of effective methods for detaching from the alcoholic:

A. Self Care: List all of the things that you like to do. Pick one and do it. Take time to focus on the things that make you feel good. Attend to your own needs on a daily basis.

B. Free your mind: Don’t allow the addict to rent space in your head. You can “journal” to get things off of your mind. I like to talk to friends from my support group when I am obsessing over the alcoholic. A great way to keep your mind clear is to remember the number one rule: “Never Argue With A Drunk.”

There are two more paths to serenity left to discover. You can go to our website and read about “Setting Boundaries With Alcoholics” and check out our YouTube video called “How To Stop Enabling An Alcoholic.”

by Guest Author J.C.,
Founder of “Alcoholics Friend,” a website that gives guidance to the alcoholic’s family and friends.

___________________________________

Read “Dealing with Angry People.”

Read “Angry Adult Child: ‘The years of terror from my mother has made me make sure that my son knows I love him. I fear, more than anything, his total rejection. HOWEVER, he often seems angry at me.’”

Dealing with Brashness:
“I feel miserable because she has been so short with me.”

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“Tommy Moe” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Don’t take it personally and do not allow yourself to become miserable! Speak up right away when someone is short with you. Don’t assume others can read your mind, and don’t assume that they are even aware of their own behavior.

If you don’t say anything, the other person may never know that his or her actions and behavior have hurt you. He or she may have been busy, unaware, or distracted. If you don’t speak up, this hurtful behavior is bound to continue, and your disappointment will grow into misery and resentment.

Having a relationship is like skiing a slalom course. You have to stay on your edges instead of being caught flat-footed, adjust your balance, and keep moving forward.

Perhaps you don’t want to complain or be demanding, which is laudable. However, you can express your desires and needs in a rational and friendly way, without being demanding, controlling or critical.

When communicating with someone who is rude or short with you, focus on your attitude and tone of voice to convey a sense of self-respect. If possible have compassion for the other person as well.

You could say for instance, “You may not be aware of this but when I talk to you, you usually sound busy and are short with me. It’s affecting the way I feel about you. I’d like us to take the time to treat each other well and with respect.”

If, after repeated discussions about the issue, the person continues to be short and rude without apologizing, it may be time to get counseling or to limit the scope of the relationship.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Intimacy vs. Agreement: ‘I better not disagree with his point of view, or he’ll get upset.’”