“Joy” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
“I’ll just enjoy our time together and not worry about where this goes.”
Worrying about whether someone likes you will not make you more likeable and the evening more enjoyable.
If you enjoy the moment, however, then there will be nothing to regret, whether this is your only date or the beginning of a long relationship.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Does she like me? She doesn’t text me like she did at the beginning.”
“K’ayab'” Mayan Collection by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Pathological envy is not the same as romantic jealousy. These two emotions have little to do with each other.
Romantic jealousy is the product of a violation of trust; a breach of romantic exclusivity of intimacy; and a denial of possession. It also involves damage to the self-esteem and self-perception of the cuckolded spouse, as he compares himself unfavourably to the “competition”: the affair is perceived to be an overall rejection of the cheated partner.
But there’s much more to it when it comes to narcissists.
Romantic jealousy is a narcissistic defence. It reflects the narcissistic traits and behaviors of possessiveness; objectification (treating the spouse and regarding her as an object); and extension (treating the spouse and regarding her as an extension of oneself: devoid of autonomy, personality, needs, wishes, and emotions). Thus, the spouse’s cheating (as in infidelity) is perceived by the narcissist to be tantamount to a violation of and an encroachment on his self, or, more simply put: it amounts to a major narcissistic injury.
Exactly like non-narcissists, narcissists are humiliated by having been lied to; suffer abandonment anxiety; compare themselves with the spouse’s new paramour; and feel deprived when the “services” of the unfaithful spouse are no longer available to them (a denial of service which may encompass sex, emotional intimacy, house chores, companionship, or any other function.)
But, in the narcissist, the violation of trust provokes full-scale and raging paranoia (where else lurks deceit?); the breach of exclusivity threatens the aforementioned narcissistic enmeshment; and the denial of possession translates to an overwhelming fear of loss and to crippling abandonment anxiety. Some narcissists even begin to display codependent behaviors, such as clinging, in a desperate attempt to regain their control over the doomed relationship.
Additionally, the narcissist’s self-perception as unique, perfect, omnipotent, and omniscient – in short: his False Self – is threatened and challenged by his spouse’s affair. If he is, indeed, unique and perfect – why did his spouse stray? If he is omnipotent – how did he fail to prevent the transgression? And if he is omniscient – how come he was the last to know about his wife’s fling, or, worse, her long-term illicit liaison?
Narcissists are, consequently, even romantically jealous of intimate partners their spouse has had before the marriage and after the divorce. Some narcissists, realizing that they cannot control their spouses forever, become swingers or engage in group sex, where they feel that, by bringing adultery home, they have “tamed” and “controlled” it. If you can’t beat it – join it, as the saying goes.
Romantic jealousy is a warning sign to be heeded and a worrisome red flag. Use the “Volatility Threshold” and “Threat Monitoring” instruments (see my previous articles) to shield yourself from its inevitable outcomes.
The “Volatility Threshold” tool is a compilation of 1-3 types of behaviours that you consider “deal-breakers” in your partner. Observe him and add up the number of times he had misbehaved. Decide in advance how many “strikes” would constitute a “deal-breaker” and when he reaches this number – simply leave. Do not share with him either the existence or the content of this “test” lest it might affect his performance and cause him to playact and prevaricate.
The “Threat Monitoring” tool is comprised of an inventory of warning signs and red flags that, in your view and from your experience, herald and portend an extreme and danerous attack of romantic jealousy. In general, try to act as though you were a scientist: construct alternative hypotheses (interpretations of behaviours and events) to account for what you regard as transgressions and bad omens. Test these hypotheses before you decide to end it all with a grand gesture, a dramatic exit, or a decisive finale. This “scientific” approach to your intimate relationship has the added benefit of mitigating your anxiety.
Early on you should confer with your intimate partner and inform him of what, to you, constitutes unacceptable behavior: what types of conduct he should avoid and what modes of communication he should eschew. You should both agree on protocols of communication: rules of conduct, fears, needs, triggers, wishes, boundaries, requests, priorities, and preferences should all be shared on a regular basis and in a structured and predictable manner. Remember: structure, predictability, even formality are great antidotes to pernicious miscommunication.
But there is only that much that you can do. Your partner may require therapy. If push comes to shove (for instance: if he becomes violent, or paranoid) insist on it. If he adamantly refuses to help himself – don’t delude yourself into thinking that you can do it for him.
Read “Jealous Partner: ‘How can you be so jealous! You’re being ridiculous.’”
Read Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD’s “I Can’t Live Without Him/Her.”
“Mother Teresa” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
It takes tremendous will power to change our unwanted habits and behavior. One way to boost your will power is by imagining what your future will be like after five or ten more years of criticizing your partner. Not only will your partner feel demoralized, you will feel terrible about yourself, which means you’ll have an unhappy marriage that might end in divorce.
If you have children, you will want to avoid being a rolemodel of disrespect and misery. Otherwise, your child will likely learn to emulate either your attitude of contemptuous disapproval or your partner’s downtrodden subjugation and acquiescence.
The Deathbed Perspective
Imagining the future puts urgency into your actions on a daily basis. The clear awareness that life is limited brings into focus the significance of each fleeting moment and the importance of avoiding unkind behavior. When you imagine yourself on your deathbed, you realize that time is precious and that the way you live every day greatly impacts the vitality of your life and relationships.
While a critical comment here or there may not change the relationship, the accumulation of recurring criticism will dramatically impact your long-term relationships, your health, and your enjoyment of life. A bitter relationship and a miserable life are often the result of an accrual of belittling interactions and negative communication. It takes will power and discipline on a daily basis to practice the habits that will allow you to achieve a sustainable, loving and meaningful relationship.
Love as Intentional
After the initial infatuation between two people, love is not simply a feeling that will magically maintain itself over the long-term. Ongoing love requires intentional loving energy and respectful action. Keeping the fact that life is fleeting in your conscious awareness can motivate you to avoid being reactive and negative in your interaction with loved ones. By keeping in mind the long-term effect of mindless negative habits, such as belittling your spouse, you will feel motivated to change these insidious habits.
When tempted to criticize, stop yourself and think, “If I continue to treat my partner with contempt and criticism, our relationship will become loveless, stifling, and full of resentment. No one is perfect. I will only criticize when I can do so from a position of love and in a positive life-enhancing manner. I’ll know if I’m doing it right by the response I get from my partner.”
Criticism vs. Dialogue
I am not suggesting that you ignore problems. Constructive problem-solving and compassionate dialogue are different from negative criticism. Constructive dialogue builds upon acceptance and compassion, while negative criticism limits our ability to connect and find creative solutions together.
The deathbed perspective causes us to focus on what is possible in our lives and relationships. If we take a moment to imagine ourselves at the end of our lives, our older self would probably tell us not to squander a minute, but to live each day wholeheartedly and courageously, to move forward in the face of fear, and to remember that it is the small actions and non-actions that make up who we are.
When you stay aware of what is at stake, you can develop better relationships while adding meaning to your life. A great life is not accidental but is built from the many courageous steps we take to become the person we want to be.
Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much love we put in that action. Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.
~Mother Teresa
by Dr. Alison Poulsen
Reference and Recommended: “The Tools” by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels.
Read “Changing Relationship Dynamics.”
Read “Giving Advice: ‘She never listens to me.’”
Read “Inner Critics attract Critical Partners: ‘Why does my partner criticize me all the time?’”
“Rose” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Most of us want to live a long (and happy) life. But who wants to get old! Neither you, nor I. Since we can’t have one without the other, it’s best to make the BEST of it. We can grow old and yet retain some of the wonderful feelings of youth.
Happiness
Happiness is number one. Being miserable contributes to no one’s happiness. Happiness is within our control — we have no one to ask for it, and no one can take it away — not even Uncle Sam. We alone decide if we want to be cheerful or depressed. Of course, it’s not always easy; listening to the daily news can be a mighty damper — the ups and downs of the campaign, nuclear power in jumpy hands, riots about videos, floods and fires, or the wrinkles in our face. All sad, sad, sad. But can our sadness change any of it? Not very likely. On the other hand, our smile may cheer up someone. And, most importantly, it’ll cheer us. A smile steers our thoughts into more upbeat channels. Our gloriously beautiful Earth provides much to be grateful for. As Shakespeare says: Assume a virtue if you have it not. And smile.
Health
Our health and stamina decline as we grow older; so it’s vital for us to walk and keep active, and stay away from the refrigerator. We need less food, and more gentle movement to keep our muscles alive and our body flexible. As to medications? Doctors often assume that their patients feel short-changed if they have to leave their office without a prescription. Worse, I hear that some doctors have a vested interest in some pharmaceuticals or pharmacies. I told my doctor that I’m no friend of pills, and he’s never prescribed me anything yet, except for something temporary like a flu.
Adventure
A sense of adventure and curiosity, and the excitement of discovering or learning something new is one of life’s greatest pleasures. When we finally retire, we have more leisure to pursue these joys. My life has always been filled to the brim, but since I retired, the days seem shorter than ever — there’s so much to do, to explore, to write, to share. My daughters gave me a new bicycle and pink and blue roller blades when I turned 65; I took up playing the piano at 70, I read more books in foreign languages now, and am having a ball volunteering. And think of all the wonders that Google is willing to reveal if we ask for it! It’s unimaginable that we once had to do without it.
Friends
Cherish your friends; and honor them for being your friends. Treasure them in good times as well as in bad. Loneliness makes for poor company; we thrive in interaction with others. A pet may help, but a pet ties us down and needs daily care. If you’ve moved away from your friends, join a group, volunteer or become a friend to the friendless. To have a good friend is one of the greatest delights of life, as R. W. Emerson put it.
Looks
I’ve found the perfect solution for our declining youthful beauty, but you may not like it. I found light bulbs with low, low wattage and use them near my mirrors! I feel better when I’m not reminded of my wrinkles and glad to discern nothing but a cheerful grin. It seems ludicrous and a losing battle to pretend that we’re younger than we are.
It’s more fun to put some twinkles in our wrinkles, and be proud of our age! We’re still alive, and eager to make the best of it. And that is all that matters. It’s grand to enjoy the fruits of our efforts — no more crying babies at two in the morning, instead some darling grandkids to spoil. No more rush hour traffic to fight, instead full devotion to the daily paper. We have leisure to do what we like. It’s worthwhile to be grateful for, or, if you’re still young, something to look forward to.
Come to think of it, the last ten years have been the happiest of my life.
Until next time,
by Ros McIntosh (Rosi), author of four books and RosiColoredGlassesBlog.
Read “My life has no purpose or meaning.”
“Pop” Mayan Collection by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
The Introvert and the Extrovert
The terms introversion and extroversion were first coined by psychologist Carl Jung. Jung defines introversion is an inward-turning of libido away from others. The introvert relies principally on subjectivity — captivated by how and what he or she feels, senses or thinks.
In contrast, an extrovert’s inner life is subordinated to the external environment. The extrovert thrives on interacting with the outer world — different people and varied activities.
Excessive Introversion
Despite being in tune with nuanced inner perceptions, extreme introverts neglect to notice how those around them may feel and think. Even when introverts are attuned to the environment, their focus is primarily on their own internalized reactions to it.
When too little attention is paid to others, it may lead to an inability to empathize with others. Without putting oneself in other people’s shoes, it is difficult to intuit what is appropriate in a given situation. Ironically, despite the focus on internalized reactions, extreme introverts do not have a clear sense of self and awareness of their effect on others.
Extreme introversion can also lead to co-dependence in intimate relations because the introvert often becomes excessively dependent on the other person to act as an intermediary to the outside world.
Excessive Extroversion
Extroverts are generally perceived as normal in our American culture because they are comparatively adept at fitting into society, finding a job and making friends unless they become too pushy, nosy, talkative, or superficial.
Extreme extroverts exaggerate their rapport with others, adjust quickly to different people with the intention of making themselves interesting to those around them. They often lose their individuality to external enticements and demands. Sometimes this effusiveness will be compensated for by the onset of physical ailments, depression, or a feeling of emptiness within.
The tendency to be outward directed is often a symptom of a lack of introspection and awareness of the extrovert’s own subjective condition — e.g., fatigue, hunger, sadness, etc. Extroverts may unwittingly sacrifice their own physical, emotional, and psychological well-being to outward demands or distractions, as seen in workaholism, consumerism and extreme sports.
Jung points out that the extrovert’s tendency to take in more and more of the external world — excessive parties, work, food, or alcohol — can increase a feeling of inner poverty. Suppressing subjective awareness may also result in apathy or being scattered by too many interests. In extreme cases, all conscious action can become paralyzed, as for instance, by a nervous breakdown or depression.
Balance for the Introvert
Intraverts need to balance their inwardness with objectivity by increasing their awareness of and concern for the wants and desires of other people. They need to gradually engage in the world around them, rather than focus solely on their own inner responses. They may want to develop more acquaintances and friends, and engage in more communal activities.
They don’t need to become extroverts. But some ability to be engaged meaningfully in the world around them will actually deepen their inner world.
Balance for the Extrovert
Extroverts need to counterbalance extreme responsiveness to other people and external activities with inner depth. By spending some time alone and focusing inwardly, they can balance their outgoing nature with an awareness of their own inner needs, perceptions, and ideas.
Such inward reflection and solitude will add gravitas, depth and meaning to their relationships with others and their experience in the world.
Gradual Integration
While neither the introvert nor the extrovert should flip to the opposite, a gradual integration of some opposite qualities will bring wholeness to both the individual and his or her relationships. It is more effective to work on developing balance within ourselves than to force change in our partners.
Encouragement not Criticism
However, we can stop enabling the crippling effects of extreme introversion and extroversion in our partners. For instance, we can lovingly avoid acting as an intermediary for the introvert to the outside world by no longer always being the one to deal with people and make phone calls. We can show love for the extrovert without feeding the external frenzy, that is, without encouraging extreme behaviors involved in workaholism, over-consumption, and pursuing endless distractions.
We can also point out how our partner might benefit from bringing more balance to their lives. This, however, must be done with compassion, subtlety and discretion.
For instance, the introvert might compassionately say to the extrovert:
“How are you feeling? I’m worried that you are over-working and will get sick. It would make me happy if you would take care of yourself the way you take care of others.”
The extrovert might say to the introvert:
“I’m worried that you are spending too much time alone. Engaging in some activities with other people might bring you some balance. Why don’t you come with me to town tonight.”
Once we have spoken, it’s important not to control or manipulate the other person. It is self-empowering to recognize what part we play in the patterns of our relationships. Yet, this also lays on us the responsibility to stop demanding of our partners what we have to do for ourselves – gain more balance within ourselves.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Opposites attract: ‘Can’t you ever stop and just sit down with me!’”
Read “I’ve fallen out of love with her.”
Read “Enantiadromia: ‘It drives my partner crazy that I’m ‘too’ polite. I think he is too blunt.’”