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Gossip: “What else did you hear?”

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"Cadence" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Gossip is like overly salty food. We like the taste of salt, but too much of it overpowers other spices and the flavor of the food itself. We may be drawn to it, but too much can make us queasy.

Similarly, it’s human to be curious about the turn of events in other people’s lives. We imagine with wonder or trepidation what it would be like to be in their shoes when they fall in love, fall out of love, or get betrayed. How do people respond when their dreams or fears are actualized?

Excessive gossip reveals the gossiper’s deficient sense of self. The gossiper sensationalizes in an attempt to astonish people with intrigue, with the result that there’s no room for genuine understanding of the complexity of the people and situation involved. While the gossiper holds everyone’s attention for a moment, that moment is fleeting and rarely rewarding, regardless of the effort to embellish the story and prolong the gratifying moment of the listeners’ curiosity. A grain of salt turns brackish.

As compelling as intriguing rumors might be, too much scandal-mongering leaves everyone feeling un-nourished and nauseated.

How to handle gossip

We can handle gossip by moving the discussion away from the person being talked about or by changing the subject outright. Often, however, we can add depth and personal meaning to the subject by simply asking the right questions.

We can ask questions such as the following: “Have you ever experienced any kind of betrayal yourself? How would you want to handle it? Do you wish you had handled it differently?” Or “What is your greatest fear?” Or “How would you live your life if you had that much money?”

When people have to think about and expose their deeper desires and fears, they often become more sympathetic and circumspect and less judgmental. Thus, we can guide gossip — including our own — toward more meaningful conversation and greater connection.

Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.

Walter Winchell

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Distinguishing Harmless from Malicious Gossip.”

Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”

Read “Four ways to handle gossip: ‘Oh no, I’m trapped by her gossiping again!’”

Read “Why People Gossip and How to Avoid it.”

“I want to enjoy life and not just think about money.”

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"Flow"
by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

It is a false dichotomy to suggest that a person either enjoys life or thinks about money. It’s true that some people are more the accountant, organizing type, while some are the more romantic, impulsive type. Yet, as counter-intuitive as it seems, the more highly-developed your inner bookkeeper becomes, the more you can truly develop your inner romantic, and vice versa.

The key is to develop both of these parts within yourself—the wise and efficient financial planner and the romantic who knows how to live life to the fullest—and to be able delegate between the two.

Problems generally develop when people identify exclusively with one side or the other.

Visualize the one-sided accountant type with pursed lips and a furrowed brow, who buys a ski lift ticket, and then can’t stop second guessing the purchase and calculating the cost of each ski run rather than enjoying the skiing. The one-sided romantic type, on the other hand, shoves all bills in a drawer and, happy-go-lucky, ignores and forgets them until the day of reckoning. The first cannot enjoy the moment and the second is headed for a financial cliff.

When you build a house, different trades focus on particular specialties—the electrician on lighting, the plumber on plumbing and so on. What is critical is that there is a general contractor to coordinate it all.

Similarly, people need to schedule and coordinate their inner “trades.” By avoiding financial chaos and debt overload, you can create peace of mind to live life without having to fear an impending crisis. Here are some guidelines to find a balance between taking care of the future and enjoying the present:

1. Spend less than you earn. The worry about growing debt rarely is worth the things purchased on credit. Focus instead on all the free things that can create a fulfilling life.

2. Put money into savings first. Savings provide security and allow one the freedom to make transitions in life. For example, with adequate savings, you can handle losing your job or consider changing your job and save for retirement.

3. Pay bills at a scheduled time. If you pay your bills on a scheduled day every week, you take care of your business and alleviate the dread of dealing with bills and accumulated debt.

4. Take care of issues promptly when they’re small. When you can’t pay a bill or a bank statement seems to be wrong, deal with the problem immediately before it turns into an overwhelming predicament. By moving from dread to action, you minimize complications, extra fees, and your own psychological discomfort.

5. Once you’ve dealt with your finances, choose to enjoy life and the people around you. After dealing with bills and the budget, allow your inner accountant to recede into the background, and bring forward other parts of your personality to enjoy the present moment. Purposefully switch modes from being task-oriented, responsible, and bean counting to being in your body, connected to others, and appreciating the world around you.

We can never completely alleviate financial insecurity. Yet by thinking about money, finances and other practicalities at regular intervals, we actually free ourselves from thinking about money all the time, giving ourselves enough serenity from worry to enjoy life more fully.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Avoidance Behavior: ‘I’ve been dreading telling her about our financial problems.’”

Read “Saving money: ‘I want to buy this now!’”

Read “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: ‘Since he lost his job, he doesn’t seem to care about our relationship.’”

Should you work on yourself before getting into a relationship?

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"Copland's 'Appalachian Spring'" by Mimi Suart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Is it better to be alone or in a relationship? Should people work on themselves while by themselves or while in a relationship?

The answer differs from person to person, and changes depending on individual circumstances and within different stages of life. There are many ways to live one’s life.

For many people, the best way to develop relationship skills and learn more about themselves is within the context of a relationship — as long as the relationship is not oppressive or abusive. When they are in the world alone, everything may seem to run smoothly without complication. But they may not be challenged. Moreover, they miss out on the many rewards of relationship.

Relationships can enrich life tremendously despite their complications and difficulties. Moreover, it is while involved in a relationship that people get triggered and thus learn to view themselves through the eyes of others. How else would you discover that you are inconsiderate, overly serious, or play the victim without someone close to you pointing it out.

Relationships thus challenge us to view ourselves from someone else’s point of view. This can drive us to improve how we move in the world and relate to others.

However, for some people — particularly for those who are too easily influenced by others or anxious to please others — being alone can be a valuable growing experience. Solitude and the freedom that comes with it allow them to find out who they are rather than merely what other people want.

For instance, someone who has been brought up in the shadow of a powerful or controlling person may have learned to become so tuned into the desires and expectations of others for the sake of survival that they actually have not considered what they themselves want in life. In such cases, it’s often helpful to enjoy solitude and avoid having someone else’s opinions and demands intrude upon their quietly developing sense of self.

Ideally we learn to consider others while maintaining a sense of ourselves. Whether we are in a relationship or not, learning to have a multi-faceted perspective helps us to balance our own desires with those of others.

In a great orchestral suite, the distinct movements are arranged to create a whole, which is greater than any individual movement. At times we hear the individual instruments or sections while at times we hear how they blend together to create unique and awe-inspiring music.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read ‘Loneliness: ‘I’m all alone.’”

Read “If ONLY I found the right man to love, then I would be happy.”

Read “Inner Struggle: ‘I’m tired of giving in.’”