Have you ever surprised yourself by lashing out at someone you’re not angry with?
If a woman is angry that her husband is too career focused, but she isn’t able to talk to him about it, she may find herself criticizing others in her life instead, such as her career-focused girlfriend.
Her subconscious knows that she’s acting inappropriately. In fact, she may be quite proud of her friend’s successful career. Yet she just can’t help herself.
The vehemence of her criticism does not have much to do with her friend. Perhaps it feels too risky to take up the issue with her husband because she fears losing him. The power of her attacks may be expressing her fears about her crumbling marriage.
Her feelings may be ambivalent and difficult to sort out. Perhaps, she doesn’t really want him to become less career-focused. Or she may fear that even IF she and her husband spent more time together, they would not enjoy being together. Her anger thus gets focused on a safer target—her girlfriend.
The Unconsious
When we are taken by surprise by something we say or do, it’s because an unconscious part has suddenly expressed itself. Such outbursts reveal a struggle between our conscious and unconscious desires and fears.
Displacement is the act of associating one thing with another. You direct an unconscious feeling, such as anger or blame, on somebody or something other than the original offender.
Our fixations and outbursts reveal our internal conflicts, which indicate precisely where we have the greatest opportunity to grow. When we ignore the eruptions of the unconscious, we can bet that they will come out in even more disruptive ways. Through becoming aware of our unconscious we see how we can work on becoming more whole human beings.
Solution
In this situation, after apologizing to her friend, the woman should find a way to talk openly and compassionately to her husband. Usually it’s best to express ambivalent feelings without sounding controlling or critical.
For example, “I find myself feeling disappointed that we don’t spend more time together because of your career focus. Yet, I’ve never brought it up to you, because I know how important your job is to you. Maybe there’s a way that we can still spend some special time together without your jeopardizing your work.”
Endless chitchat about mindless subjects can drive anybody crazy. When people carry on without allowing others to engage in the conversation, they are missing the point of small talk. Appropriate small talk should feel like a dance not like an assault.
Connection
Communication is not simply about passing on information. One of the primary goals of communicating with people is to make a connection with them.
Small talk is all about connection. The style of talk is playful, casual, and humorous, without being critical, overbearing, or a chatterbox. Appropriate small talk is vital in developing and sustaining relationships.
There are several reasons for connecting through small talk. 1. Emotional Closeness
The energy in a person’s body language, not the information behind the words, communicates warmth. You can even engage in small talk with someone who speaks a different language and convey friendliness and humor. 2. Effective Dialogue
When there is disagreement, small talk can help you develop connection by showing your common humanity, which allows for a more effective dialogue. Without establishing connection, disagreements become accusatory or controlling attacks and will cause defensiveness, anger, or hurt feelings.
3. Ritual Small Talk
Small talk shows our competence in normal communication. It reveals our ability to read other people. When people see that we know when to start talking, when to stop, and that we know what topics are appropriate given the circumstances, they see we have a basic understanding of how to relate to people.
Imagine that someone says, “What beautiful weather we’re having,” and the second person responds with a simple, “no” or “I guess” with no warmth or further comment showing confirmation of the first speaker’s attempt to make a connection. It leaves the first speaker wondering, “What’s wrong with him/her? How rude!” or “OK, I made the effort! But I won’t try anymore.”
When people start an intense debate when others are simply shooting the breeze, it signals that they are oblivious to what’s going on around them.
When people cannot adhere to the unspoken rules of appropriate small talk, others get frustrated and suspicious. Those who can’t or won’t engage in small talk in appropriate situations or who don’t allow others to talk are often rejected and avoided.
People who recognize when small talk is appropriate adapt easily to relationship expectations. Moreover, those who understand the bounds of appropriate communication are generally seen to be likable and trustworthy.
4. New Relationships
Small talk is like a dance in getting to know someone. Through talking casually while avoiding any commitment, you get a feel for what the other person is like—whether you click, whether there’s some commonality or a spark between you.
The subject of conversation matters less than the feeling behind the words. If there seems to be mutual understanding, you can gradually deepen the conversation by disclosing more personal values and thoughts. If you don’t sense reciprocity, no harm is done.
While we don’t have to spend a great deal of time engaging in small talk, we can use it to create better connection with other people. As long as we sense when other people have had enough, then small talk can be meaningful.
Whether a conversation with someone lasts a fleeting moment at the supermarket or develops into a lasting relationship, the purpose of small talk is to express the desire for a positive emotional connection between two human beings. While small talk seems to be about nothing at all, it’s really about being human, understanding subtle communication, and responding to people with a sense of connection.
Dreams and nightmares often convey messages from the unconscious through images that have both archetypal and personal meaning to the dreamer. The more emotionally powerful or repetitive your dreams become, the more urgent is the message from the unconscious. As the degree of fear experienced in your dreams intensifies, it becomes increasingly critical to figure out what your unconscious is trying to tell you. What is it that is not working in your conscious life? What are you disowning or neglecting?
Dreams are often triggered by specific events occurring the day before the dream—events that may have gone unnoticed. It’s therefore helpful to ask oneself what happened the day before the nightmare. Did I stop myself from speaking up? Why did I lose my temper at the slightest provocation?
Look at the nuances in your dream, such as the specific people in it, the location of the dream, and sequence of events. The story of the dream can be viewed as a metaphor for what is going on in your psyche, with the different characters often representing different disowned aspects of yourself.
Dreams about teeth falling out:
Dreams about one’s teeth falling out are unpleasant and distressing. It’s a great relief to wake up from such a dream and find your teeth intact. Generally such dreams have to do with not being tough enough with others, not standing your ground, not being able to grit your teeth and say “no.” Baring one’s teeth is a symbol of aggression. Using your teeth to bite into food is key to taking in the nourishment you need. Even a bold smile requires the showing of teeth that are firmly in place. When your teeth fall out, there’s a loss of the strength needed for self-preservation. You have no bite, metaphorically speaking.
If this were my dream, I would ask myself how I might be experiencing loss, frustration, and impotence, or a lack of nourishment and sustenance. Am I unwilling to stand up for myself to obtain my needs, such as needed rest, respect, or support? I would consider how I could become more self-empowered.
Much of the meaning of a dream is found in the details. So it’s important to look at the setting of the dream. Other people or familiar locations may represent disowned parts of your personality. For instance, did your teeth start falling out right after you visited a house like the one your father used to live in? This could indicate that you lose your ability to stand up for yourself with people who may play a father figure in your current relationships or with people who might intimidate you.
Nightmares of the world ending:
Dreams of a natural catastrophe or the world ending should not be ignored. They often indicate that dramatic changes are occurring and that transformation of your psyche is necessary. When our way of being in the world is no longer working, our unconscious feels as though the world is ending. The dream uses images to symbolize the demise of the primary psychological structure. The old psychological framework isn’t working and is about to fall apart.
The more fear or terror you experience during the dream, the less control and peace of mind you have over the changes coming. When changes are thrust into our lives without our mindful awareness of what is going on, they can create illness, mayhem, or breakdown.
Yet, when we take notice of powerful dreams and listen to what our psyche needs, transitions in our lives will occur with less painful upheaval. Where there is an ending, there is also an opportunity to generate a new “world” by creating a more effective way of being in the world.
If this were my dream, I would ask myself how I could develop a more desirable way of relating to myself and others that would be more fulfilling to my soul. By figuring out what fundamental changes you need to make, you can foster positive growth with less turbulence and struggle. By taking the difficult steps of changing your patterned behavior, you can encourage the metamorphosis to occur with less pain and suffering.
Your dreams are telling you something. By paying attention to them you can turn peril into possibility.
Trust is as important as love in sustaining a long-term loving relationship. It’s wonderful to be affectionate and passionate. However, these qualities alone are not a substitute for trust.
Why would your partner not trust you?
Trust is influenced by two things:
1) a person’s past experiences that may have nothing to do with you, and
2) that person’s observation of your pattern of behavior.
1. Past Experiences
When people feel they have been abandoned as a child, a divorce for example where infidelity is involved, they may more easily read abandonment into the behavior of others. They have learned to expect untrustworthy behavior and project it onto people in their lives.
Projection based on past experiences is unavoidable. However, as people become more self-aware, they come to realize exactly how much of their own judgment about others is informed by their past and how much is objective. Unless they are the controlling type blaming others for everything, people tend to let go of their projections the longer they are in a relationship with someone who is trustworthy.
However, if someone is unreasonably distrustful, it’s important to defend yourself. You can do so with kindness and compassion for the pain that lingers on from that person’s past.
2. Observations of Behavior
When someone observes inconsistency in your behavior, such as coming home late without calling, you give them a reason to wonder what changes are going on in the relationship.
The ability to imagine possible negative scenarios is critical to avoiding being taken advantage of. While some people get carried away with “catastrophizing,” people do need some ability to generalize from specific events to avoid being completely naïve in dealing with others. Yet they need to verify their suspicions with the reality of a specific situation to avoid unfair jumping to conclusions.
How to Develop Trust
Trust is essential to a loving relationship. There are certain behaviors that help create trust in a relationship. They may seem mundane and more suited for keeping a job than enhancing a relationship. Yet, while these qualities don’t seem hot or alluring in themselves, they do create an essential foundation for the long-term on which to add warmth, affection, and passion. 1. Be considerate and responsible.
This includes being on time and calling when you’re late coming home.
When people are flaky, it means that they tend to follow their impulses at the expense of long-term relationships and goals. When you do what you say you will do, your friends and partner can rely on you to follow through, because they know you have the ability to resist temptation.
2. Be honest.
If your partner knows that you tell lies or hide things from others to avoid their reactivity, then it’s safe to assume that you will do the same to avoid your partner’s negative reactions. While there is room for tact and diplomacy, unnecessary fibs show that your word cannot be trusted.
When others know that you don’t tell lies or hide things, especially when the circumstances make it difficult to be honest, then they will learn to believe what you say.
3. Be fair.
Trust fades for someone who is unfair in word or action. If you complain about others behind their backs or take advantage of others, you will be viewed as untrustworthy.
Instead, try to be fair-minded in judgment of others and in doing your fair share of work.
4. Be supportive.
If people know you are on their side, then you can disagree and stand your ground without being over-reactive. When they know that they can talk openly without getting a crazed reaction from you, they will be more willing to trust you with their private thoughts. Listen before you react. Then you can be trusted to be open-minded and compassionate.
While a trusting relationship is not enough to create long-term passion, it does create the space for people to risk being open, loving, and passionate for the long-term.
Donovan, 16 years old, is incapable of loving and, therefore, has never loved you, his mother (or, for that matter, anyone else, himself included) in his entire life. His natural capacity to love and to return love was all but eliminated by his horrid childhood. We practice loving first and foremost through our parents. If they fail us, if they turn out to be unpredictable, capricious, violent, unjust, this capacity is stunted forever. This is what happened to Donovan: the ideal figures of his childhood proved to be much less than ideal. Abuse is a very poor ground to breed healthy emotions in.
Granted, Donovan, being the brilliant and manipulative person that he is, knows how to perfectly simulate and emulate LOVE. He acts lovingly, but this is a mere act and it should not be confused with the real thing. Donovan shows love in order to achieve goals: money, a warm house, food on the table, adoration (Narcissistic Supply). Once these are available from other sources, the former ones are abandoned callously, cold-heartedly, cruelly and abruptly.
You have been such a temporary stopover for Donovan, the equivalent of a full board hotel (no chores, no requirements on his time). Not only was he able to secure his material needs from you, he also found in you a perfect Source of Narcissistic Supply: adoring, submissive, non-critical, wide-eyed, approving, admiring, the perfect narcissistic fix.
You describe a very disturbed young man with a clear NPD. He values intelligence above all, he uses foul language to vent his aggression (the narcissist resents his dependence on his Sources of Supply). The narcissist knows it all and best, is judgmental (without merit), hates all people (though he calls upon them if he needs something, he is never above exploiting and manipulation). When not in need, he does not contact his “friends”, not even his “girlfriend”. After all, emotions (“sensitivity”) are a deplorable weakness.
In the pursuit of narcissistic gratification, there is no place for hesitation or pause. You put it succinctly: he will do nothing for others, nothing matters to him if it is not for himself. As a result, he lets people down and refrains almost religiously from keeping promises and obligations.
The narcissist is above such mundane things as obligations undertaken. They counter his conviction that he is above any law, social or other, and this threatens his grandiosity.
The narcissist, being above reproach (Who is qualified to judge him, to teach him, to advise him?), inevitably reverts to blaming others for his misdeeds: they should have warned/reminded/alerted him. For instance: they should have woke him up if they desired his precious company and wanted him to keep a date.
The narcissist is above normal humans and their daily chores: he doesn’t think that he needs to attend classes (that others do. This is the unspoken continuation of this sentence). Other people should do so because they are inferior (stupid). This is the natural order of things, read Nietzsche. Most narcissists are predictable and, therefore, boring.
To love a narcissist is to love a reflection, not a real figure. Donovan is the most basic, primitive type: the somatic (or anal) narcissist, whose disorder is centred around his body, his skin, his hair, his dress, his food, his health. Some of these preoccupations attain a phobic aura (“freaky with germs”) and that is a bad sign.
Hypochondriasis could be the next mental step. But Donovan is in great danger. He should seek help immediately. His NPD, as is usually the case, has been and is still being compounded by other, more serious disorders. He is led down a path of no return. Donovan is constantly depressed. Maybe he has had few major depressive episodes but he is distinctly dysphoric (sad) and anhedonic (hates the world and finds pleasure in nothing). He alternates between hypersomnia (sleeping too much) and insomnia (not sleeping for two days). This is one of the surest signs of depression.
Narcissists suffer, by their nature, from an undulating sense of self-worth and from all-pervasive feelings of guilt and recrimination. They punish themselves: they dress in ragged clothes contrary to their primary predilections and they direct their pent up aggression at themselves. The result is depression.
Donovan also seems to suffer from a schizoid personality. These people prefer to stay and work in their rooms, in solitary confinement, chained to their computers and books, to any social encounter or diversion. They rarely possess sufficient trust in others and the requisite emotional baggage to develop stable interpersonal relationships. They are miserable failures at communicating and confine their interactions to first degree relatives.
The total picture is that of a young person suffering from a Borderline Personality Disorder with strong narcissistic and schizoid hues. His reckless and self-destructive spending and his eating irregularities point in this direction. So does the inappropriate affect (for instance, smiling while pretending to shoot people). Donovan is a menace above all to himself.
Borderline patients entertain suicide thoughts (they have suicidal ideation) and tend finally to act upon them. This aggression can perhaps be directed elsewhere and result in catastrophic consequences. But, at best, Donovan will continue to make people around him miserable.
Treatment, psychoanalysis and other psychodynamic therapies included, is not very effective. My advice to you is to immediately stop your “unconditional love”. Narcissists sense blood where others see only love and altruism. If, for masochistic reasons, you still wish to engage this young person, my advice to you would be to condition your love. Sign a contract with him: you want my adoration, admiration, approval, warmth, you want my home and money available to you as an insurance policy? If you do, these are my conditions. And if he says that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore, count your blessings and let go.
