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Angry Adult Child:
“The years of terror from my mother has made me make sure that my son knows I love him. I fear, more than anything, his total rejection. HOWEVER, he often seems angry at me.”

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"Mo Air"—Jonny Moseley by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Loving vs. Yearning

Having suffered rejection by your parent, it’s understandable that you would fear becoming a mean, rejecting parent yourself, and that you’d want to make sure your son knows that you love him.

Yet, your fierce desire to show acceptance and love may cause you to go overboard, and to lose your personal authority and ability to set boundaries.

When parents are unwilling to stand up for themselves and when their tone of voice betrays a longing for acceptance, children sense it and become burdened by it. Some will respond with appeasement, others with annoyance and anger.


Respect vs. Fear of Rejection

Most parents don’t want to be rejected by their children. Yet, when their fear of rejection is so strong that it outweighs their own self-respect — “I fear, more than anything, total rejection from my son” — they may cheat their children of the gift of having respect for their parents.

It’s wonderful to be loved by your parent. It’s also beneficial to have respect for your parent. They are not mutually exclusive. However, when you crave a child’s acceptance too much — at the expense of your own personal authority — you invite your child to lose respect for you.

Parent vs. Doormat

There is a world of difference between rejecting a child and rejecting rude behavior.

It’s important for children of all ages to learn to respect boundaries and to have some consequences when they are disrespectful. It doesn’t do anyone any good when you allow others to rage at you. You’re doing them a favor in cutting short their rudeness, because they generally will not feel good after being angry and mean.

They need to be called on their behavior with an “Excuse me?” or “It’s tough to talk with you when you sound this angry.” Or you can say, “If something’s bothering you, tell me, but be more respectful.” Your own tone of voice is highly important — be firm, without pleading. Be willing to end the conversation if they start battering you verbally by saying, “It’s unpleasant for me to listen to your berating me with this tone of voice. We can talk later.”

Not only will you curb your child’s rudeness, you will be setting an example of how to set boundaries firmly without being harsh.

More Space vs. Engulfment

Often, all that’s needed is a little more distance, a more impersonal attitude, and less inquiry. Just imagine a good cocktail waitress at a busy bar. She would be friendly, but not overly-personal and inquisitive.

By calling less frequently, asking fewer questions, and giving less advice, you can give your irritated adult child the room needed to feel independent and free of the parental umbilical cord. Often more emotional separation, rather than fusion, promotes appreciation.

Practice

Like rehearsing for a play, it’s very helpful to practice the demeanor and attitude you want to develop. If you have a partner and/or friends who are willing, have them listen to you practice speaking in a more impersonal way. Find examples on TV or among your friends who have the desired tone and approach, and emulate them.

Once you are able to pull back your yearning to prove your love as well as your tolerance of unacceptable behavior you will realize a grand pay-off, namely mutual respect — the very basis for a loving relationship. You’ll also feel less temptation to be mean, because when you stand up for yourself when there’s only mild disrespect, you can do so without big resentment and drama.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “My teenager is selfish and rude! How did I raise a child like this?”

Read “Over-mothering: ‘It’s hard to be firm with my child, because he’s very sensitive.’”

Mindful Indulgence:
“I should have never had those three desserts! NO DESSERT for the rest of my life!”

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"R&B for Two" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Where’s the enjoyment when we swing between gluttony and self-denial?

Self-Discipline or Self-Denial?

Self-discipline and controlling your impulses are two of the keys to a balanced and happy life. Yet, self-deprivation can cause undue suffering and a grim existence.

Excessive abstinence can also lead to a rebound effect. Strong desires can be suppressed for only so long, and then their overpowering force can cause you to succumb. Remember the movie “Chocolat!” and the priest who passed out from over-indulgence in the chocolate store after forbidding everyone to put a foot into the store?

Enjoyment or Gluttony?

Pleasure and enjoyment of the senses, such as eating and drinking, are the spice of life. Yet, the attempt to have escalating amounts of gratification by increasing your consumption can cause discomfort, displeasure, and dire consequences to your health. Gluttony can also lead to self-loathing, anxiety, and insatiable craving.

Moderation

Pleasure and enjoyment live in a narrow zone of moderation, though we should also take heed of Julia Child’s notion: “Everything in moderation… including moderation.” Note that for people dealing with alcoholism and drug abuse, abstinence does give the best chance of avoiding further harm. For most people, however, mindful indulgence eliminates the need to make an unpleasant vow of abstinence OR to give in to every temptation.

Mindful Indulgence

Mindful indulgence is an effective way to reduce the unwholesome swing from gluttony and guilt to self-loathing and abstinence. Mindful enjoyment means being present, aware, and engaged.

For instance, eating mindfully entails that you eat slowly and consciously, enjoying the flavors as well as the company you are with. It means that in addition to enjoying the flavor, you take notice of the subtle changes in your body, such as feelings of satiation, well-being, or anxiety. Also important is to notice and remember how you feel hours later and the next day.

This kind of mindfulness and patience will allow you to maximize pleasure and enjoyment by honing your ability to gauge how much you will eat and drink. Mindfulness includes being aware of what kind of situations trigger you to lose awareness of your actions, sensations, and long-term pleasure. Regaining awareness will help you to avoid falling into auto-pilot and mindless consumption without appreciation, awareness, or true enjoyment.

One of the delights of life is eating with friends, second to that is talking about eating. And, for an unsurpassed double whammy, there is talking about eating while you are eating with friends.

~Laurie Colwin ‘Home Cooking’

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read Dr. Sharada Hall’s “Mindful Indulging: Having What You Want Without Guilt.”

Read “Order vs. Chaos; Responsibility vs. Spontaneity.”

Read “Live in the now, not in the future!”

Dividing up Household Chores:
“The house is a mess!”

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"Sandy Bay, Isla de Roatan" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Can a clean house eliminate family conflict? Does a messy home make or break a relationship?

Too much clutter tends to confuse the mind while good feng shui enhances harmony in the home. Nevertheless, family conflict stems more from how you go about dividing up chores rather than how clean the house is.

Clear communication about expectations and goals is the best way to avoid the growth of disappointment and resentment, which can devour family relations like a malignancy.

As with most joint decision-making, it’s best to sit down to discuss the issue neutrally and fairly rather than giving unilateral directives. Doing all the chores yourself, grumbling snidely, or escaping the whole issue through distractions causes resentment among all parties.

Start with a comment, such as, “Let’s sit down and discuss chores, so we all can decide what we are willing to do and feel that it’s fair.”

Write down all the daily, weekly and seasonal chores. Then jointly figure out who prefers which chores and reach agreement on who will do what. Use a matter-of-fact tone and a good attitude as though you are choosing what to order off a menu rather than having punishment meted out. (“Let’s see… I’ll take the ‘Mow the lawn on Saturdays.’”)

It’s important to be fair and cooperative. Consider taking turns doing the chores nobody likes doing. If your budget permits, consider hiring or trading with outside services for the jobs nobody can stand doing.

If you have been doing most of the work, it may be in your best interest to allow your family members to lead the discussion and bring up ideas of how to divide up the work. They are more likely to buy into their own ideas. Write everything down and post the list.

Only jump in to do others’ chores if you can do so out of the goodness of your heart and without resentment. Try not to police others, because it creates tension and it backfires. If someone keeps neglecting their chores, have another meeting and discuss it. Joint decision-making and ongoing open communication will pay off for everyone, especially the children. It gives them ownership.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Order vs. Chaos; Responsibility vs. Spontaneity.”

Read “Clutter in your surroundings causes clutter in the mind: ‘I don’t have time to deal with this mess. I’ve got so many things going on—it’s chaos.’”

Read “Living together Part I: Manners and Boundaries — ‘What’s the matter with you? Look at this mess you made!’”

Communicating with “I” Statements:
“You’re wrong!”

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"Laser Straight" — Sergio Garcia by Mimi Stuart ©
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So what I really meant was…

“I see it differently. What I understood was…”

Change the “you” message to an “I” message. If you say what you currently see, think, or feel using an “I” message with an adult tone of voice, as opposed to a child or parental tone of voice, you’ll have a much better time getting your message across effectively.

Limit your “I” statements to the facts and your feelings, while trying to avoid judgments. Saying “I think you’re an idiot,” for example, is a “you” statement in disguise, and therefore a negative judgment, inviting animosity and antagonism, instead of clarification and conciliation.

On the other hand, it’s hard to become defensive or disagree when people explain their viewpoints from a personal standpoint, “I understood…,” “I believe…,” or “I want….” This kind of communication encourages dialogue instead of diatribe.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “That’s wrong. I totally disagree.”

Read “Improving Relationships.”

Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD
“I can’t seem to be able to protect my child from the other parent’s narcissistic bad influence.”

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"Prism" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Your child is likely to come across all kinds of people in his future. Some of them will be abusive, narcissistic, or even antisocial (psychopaths.) In a way, early exposure to a dysfunctional “bad” parent will render your child better prepared to cope with them, more alert to their existence and chicanery and more desensitized to their abuse.

For this you should be grateful.

There is nothing much you can do, otherwise. Stop wasting your money, time, energy and emotional resources on this intractable “problem” of how to insulate your son from the other parent’s influence. It is a lost war, though a just cause. Instead, make yourself available to your son.

The only thing you can do to prevent your son from emulating the other parent is to present to him another role model of a functioning NON-narcissist, NON-abuser, NON-psychopath – YOU. Hopefully, when he grows up, he will prefer your role model to the other parent’s. But there is only that much that you can do. You cannot control the developmental path of your child. Exerting unlimited control over your progeny is what narcissism is all about – and is exactly what you should avoid at all costs, however worried you might be.

Parental narcissism, abuse, and psychopathy do tend to breed narcissism, abusive conduct, and antisocial traits and behaviors – but not inevitably.

Consider the narcissistic parent, for instance:

Not all the off-spring of a narcissist inexorably become narcissists.

The true, narcissistic parent does tend to produce another narcissist in his or her child. But this outcome can be effectively countered by loving, empathic, predictable, just, and positive upbringing, which encourages a sense of autonomy and responsibility. Provide your child with an alternative to his other parent’s venomous and exploitative existence. Trust your son to choose life over death, love over narcissism, human relations over narcissistic supply.


by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” — a far-reaching book about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and abusive behavior — and other books about personality disorders.

Read “Triangulation: ‘My ex can’t stop complaining about me to my child. I feel like doing the same right back.’”