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“You don’t mean it when you said ‘I hate you Mom!’”

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"Maelstrom" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

No parent likes hearing that their children are angry at them, particularly when they work hard to raise them.

However, it is healthy for children to experience anger and learn how to express it effectively. If the parent is overly reactive or retaliatory, the child does not learn how to deal with his or her emotions. When children have to suppress their feelings, or are made to feel guilty about having and expressing their feelings, problems begin to develop.

Most children will say things like “I hate you” a few times when they are quite young. The way a parent responds effects whether the child will continue saying such things. A parent’s response depends on the situation. Generally it is important to remain calm, not take it personally, and teach them a better way to express themselves.

Ways NOT to respond:

1. Act hurt and whimper. “How can you say that? Look at all the things I do for you?”

2. Use shame or guilt. “Well, I love you.”

3. Deny his or her real feelings. “You don’t mean that!”

4. Implement severe punishment, which merely causes more hatred and inability to deal with that hatred. It is also a bad example.

Ways to respond:

1. Stay calm, which will help defuse the situation.

2. Label the child’s emotions without judging them: “You seem angry. You really want to stay up longer.”

3. Find out why the child is angry, and then help him or her express it in a meaningful and respectful way. “Why are you angry with me?” After truly listening, you could also say, “Next time, tell me why you’re angry in a way that won’t make me feel defensive. When you say ‘I hate you,’ it’s not very effective in getting people to listen.’” By listening and responding to the child when he or she communicates without hatred, the child is encouraged to do so in the future.

4. Demonstrate how to handle your own anger effectively. For example, do not fly off the handle or express extreme views like, “I can’t stand him! What an idiot.” Instead, express that you are angry at someone’s specific behavior — “I’m disappointed and angry that he mislead me.” Be specific about why you are angry.

5. Find out how the child’s day has been and what is going on. It’s possible that something else is going on in his or her life.

Sometimes children mirror back a parent’s own issues. If the parent is angry, the child feels angry too. If the parent lacks self-respect, the child doesn’t respect the parent either. In these cases, it’s important for parents to focus on dealing with their own issues and anger and develop habits of self-respect. To deal appropriately with the child becomes a double challenge then, but twice as essential. You could even make a mutual pact or a game to remind each other when you are not using the right words or tone.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Dealing with Angry People.”

Read “Parenting too Strictly: ‘Because I said so!’”

Guest Author Michael A. Singer:
“I want to be happy, but my wife left me.”

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"Happiness" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Excerpt from Chapter 15 of “The Untethered Soul”: The The Path of Unconditional Happiness.

The highest spiritual path is life itself. If you know how to live daily life, it all becomes a liberating experience. But first you have to approach life properly, or it can be very confusing. To begin with, you have to realize that you really only have one choice in this life, and it’s not about your career, whom you want to marry, or whether you want to seek God. People tend to burden themselves with so many choices. But, in the end, you can throw it all away and just make one basic, underlying decision: Do you want to be happy, or do you not want to be happy? It’s really that simple. Once you make that choice, your path through life becomes totally clear.

Most people don’t dare give themselves that choice because they think it’s not under their control. Someone might say, “Well, of course I want to be happy, but my wife left me.” In other words, they want to be happy, but not if their wife leaves them. But that wasn’t the question. The question was, very simply, “Do you want to be happy or not?” If you keep it that simple, you will see that it really is under your control. It’s just that you have a deep-seated set of preferences that gets in the way.

Let’s say you’ve been lost and without food for days, and you finally find your way to a house. You can hardly make it to the doorstep, but you manage to pull yourself up and knock on the door. Somebody opens the door, looks at you and says, “Oh my God! You poor thing! Do you want something to eat? What would you like?” Now the truth is, you really don’t care what they give you. You don’t even want to think about it. You just utter the word “food.” And because you really mean it when you say you need food, it no longer has anything to do with your mental preferences.

The same goes for the question about happiness. The question is simply “Do you want to be happy?” If the answer is really yes, then say it without qualifying it. After all, what the question really means is “Do you want to be happy from this point forward for the rest of your life, regardless of what happens?”

Now, if you say yes, it might happen that your wife leaves you, or your husband dies, or the stock market crashes, or your car breaks down on an open highway at night. Those things might happen between now and the end of your life. But if you want to walk the highest spiritual path, then when you answer yes to that simple question, you must really mean it. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It’s not a question of whether your happiness is under your control. Of course it’s under your control. It’s just that you don’t really mean it when you say you’re willing to stay happy. You want to qualify it. You want to say that as long as this doesn’t happen, or as long as that does happen, then you’re willing to be happy. That’s why it seems like it is out of your control. Any condition you create will limit your happiness. You simply aren’t going to be able to control things and keep them the way you want them.

You have to give an unconditional answer. If you decide that you’re going to be happy from now on for the rest of your life, you will not only be happy, you will become enlightened. Unconditional happiness is the highest technique there is. You don’t have to learn Sanskrit or read any scriptures. You don’t have to renounce the world. You just have to really mean it when you say that you choose to be happy. And you have to mean it regardless of what happens. This is truly a spiritual path, and it is as direct and sure a path to Awakening as could possibly exist. Once you decide you want to be unconditionally happy, something inevitably will happen that challenges you. This test of your commitment is exactly what stimulates spiritual growth. In fact, it is the unconditional aspect of your commitment that makes this the highest path. It’s so simple.

by Michael A. Singer Copyright ©2007 Excerpt from Chapter 15 of “The Untethered Soul – The Journey Beyond Yourself.”

Read “Happiness, Freedom, and Independence: ‘I don’t know what will make me happy.'”

Read “Fantasies: ‘All I want is a Lamborghini! Then I’d be happy.'”

Minimizing:
“He didn’t mean to hurt me. He just pushed me a little too hard.”

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"Bounteous" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire


While some people tend to catastrophize, others inappropriately minimize significant actions making them seem unimportant. They refuse to see negative or desirable qualities in their partners or in themselves in order to protect their attachment to their partner, no matter how destructive that attachment may be.

A relationship becomes truly toxic when both partners are minimizers, but each in a different way. The abusive partner downplays his (or her) own misconduct and fallibilities, and denies responsibility in an attempt to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. He belittles his partner’s desirable qualities in an attempt to keep her dependent and make her feel worthless and incapable of finding a better relationship.

On the other hand, the abused partner makes light of verbal or physical abuse because she (or he) fears losing her partner. The longer the abuse continues, the more her self-esteem suffers, causing her to lose the confidence required to stand up for herself or move out on her own.

Understandably, these two types of minimizers feed into each others’ distorted thinking. Thus, it’s difficult for them to foresee and avert the resulting descent into a nightmarish relationship based on fear and contempt.

To avoid spiraling into a self-reinforcing pattern of oppression and suffering, it’s helpful to check your own tendencies to minimize. If those who tend to demean others start looking for positive traits in their partner, they will discover that their relationship can actually become enjoyable and based on desire rather than dependence.

On the other hand, those who tend to understate their own desirable qualities should beware of allowing this perspective to damage their own self-respect. Verbal abuse should not be minimized as it erodes the mutual respect that is the basis of happy and thriving relationships. Physical abuse should never be overlooked or tolerated, as it is antithetical to love, fulfillment, and life itself.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Contempt: ‘Don’t look at me that way.'”