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Guest Author Roswitha McIntosh:
In Search of the Good Life.
“If only life weren’t such a struggle!”

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"In Search of the Good Life" Cover by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

What is the Good Life?
Is it freedom from want, or
freedom to do as we please?
Is it leisure, status or power?
Or is it happiness,
serenity, and contentment?
Is it the same for all of us?

Let us begin our quest.

It begins by looking within ourselves;
for a good life has many aspects,
different for each of us.
As we grow, change and mature,
so, too, our ideal of a Good Life changes.

A Good Life can be an active life,
filled with purpose and usefulness,
with endeavors, challenges and friends,
and with pride in one’s work,
for even a small task is significant
in the mosaic of the whole.

With pride in our effort comes
confidence and self respect,
vital ingredients in a Good Life.
For as we esteem ourselves,
so we grant respect, kindness
and consideration to others.

Freedom from want is often
praised as ensuring a Good Life.
But does it?
Some of us recall times of struggle as
the best years of our life, times that
challenged our courage and strength,
our ingenuity, endurance and faith,
when hardship and struggle
were our taskmasters.
Indeed, a Good Life is ethereal,
unrelated to plenty or need,
for its roots lie within us.

Moderation and curiosity are
crucial in our world of excess:
moderation in action and thought, and
curiosity to explore our wondrous world
teeming with beauty and mystery.

Our life may abound
in belongings and luxuries,
alluring tendrils which enslave us.
Yet dangers lurk everywhere.
Let us gratefully enjoy
what we are given.
Possessions are not essential,
but joy and gratitude are.

Fear and worry have no place in a
Good Life. Let courage crowd them out.
Courage helps us face the world.
Courage sets us free to take risks,
free to assume responsibility,
and free to admit our failings
as part of being human.
For no one is perfect.

Embrace life
whole-heartedly,
with all its ironies, ambiguities
and contradictions.

Our world of diversity
begs for Tolerance:

Tolerance to allow others to be
who they are, and tolerance
to let them become what they can be.
Tolerance transcends the need
for power over others.
It is the path to
untrammeled accord.

Above all there must be love
and good will toward all creation,
love toward Life itself.

Once the Good Life has been found,
it must be won again daily,
for life is in eternal flux.

Thus, in the search for the Good Life,
keep two ingredients on hand:
a flexible mind, ready to adapt to
what today may bring,
and a sense of humor
willing to smile, even
in the face of adversity.

by Roswitha McIntosh, author of “Live, Laugh and Learn—Tales of Tumultous Times,” “Madman and his Mistress—History in the Making,” and “In Search of the Good Life.”

Read “Fantasies: ‘All I want is a Lamborghini! Then I’d be happy.’”

Breaking Patterns through Dramatic Practice:
“I have good intentions, but…”

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"Syncopation" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Your character is determined by all the large and small decisions you make on a consistent basis. It’s not what you do once in a while that counts, but what you do day in and day out. Thus, the important moments in our lives are when we make or fail to make these critical decisions. For example, we might decide

• whether to become angry and defensive or to walk away from a downward-spiraling, pointless argument,

• whether to think about our long-term health or to indulge in unhealthy over-consumption,

• whether to act quickly on an opportunity or to procrastinate and let the opportunity slip by.

Dramatic Rehearsal

It pays to prepare ourselves ahead of time for decisions we find challenging to make when we know we may be tempted to make the wrong decision. The most effective way to prepare oneself is through dramatic enactment of likely conflict-inducing scenarios.

A great way to do this is to attend a drama therapy or psychodrama workshop. They can be incredibly transformational in addition to being fun. Yet, it may be more practical to ask a friend to give you feedback on your enactment. Otherwise, you can use your imagination or the bathroom mirror to rehearse a desirable response to a typical situation that tends to trip you up.

Through the rehearsal of conflict-resolution possibilities, you develop inner voices that have remained silent or ineffectual in the past. Kinesthetic practice benefits a person because it re-enforces the emotions that are tied to the desired response. Rehearsal allows you to embody the appropriate sensations, tone of voice, and body language, which may not be finely tuned or easily accessible for you.

For instance, one might imagine one’s spouse suspiciously asking, “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to town?” Normally, one might bite back with “Why didn’t you tell ME you were going to sit around and watch TV?” Instead, one might imagine saying, “I didn’t think of it. Sorry if you were worried.”

Simply saying these words doesn’t guarantee a desired result. You have to practice saying them with the desired intention of self-empowerment and compassion. In fact the words matter much less than the attitude accompanying them. Someone used to feeling resentment or submissiveness may have a hard time embodying self-empowerment and compassion without some rehearsal and preferably some help from a good friend.

In order to play a new part well, that is, to integrate a new way of being, you have to practice, just as if you’re rehearsing a part for a play. This has nothing to do with being fake or insincere. We develop who we are through practicing new ways of being. Preparing yourself by practicing or imagining yourself responding with an alternative to your habitual pattern will have an effect on who you are and who you become.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.

~Aristotle

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “My parent was controlling.” How we develop Defense Mechanisms (Part I)

Read “Developing New Habits: ‘I never exercise the way I should. I went to the gym twice and then gave up.’”

Stress: “I’m so stressed out. I don’t know if I can handle a promotion.”

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"Out of the Rough" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

The purpose of stress:

The human stress response evolved as a response to emergencies when fight or flight was necessary for survival. When physical survival is your goal, stress is very helpful. Stress hormones rev up the heart rate and blood pressure, improving blood flow, which allows you to act quickly.

Negative effects of unhealthy stress:

Today, we have few physiological emergencies for we are rarely in mortal danger as we were on the African savannah millions of years ago. Yet we still react with stress for purely psychological reasons, such as worries about mortgage payments, traffic jams, and work problems. Unfortunately, stress hormones streaming through our bodies all of the time can cause all sorts of health problems.

Chronic, ongoing stress has been linked directly to a shorter lifespan and disease. The increased adrenaline and cortisol due to chronic stress kills brain cells, leads to heart problems, clots the blood, and causes kidney and liver damage. Large amounts of cortisol can raise blood sugar and cholesterol, which turn into fat around the belly. Fat retention weight gain is often a stress response.

Positive effects of stress:

Staying Alert:

We wouldn’t want to eliminate stress altogether, because it can alert us to the occasional emergency. Mild doses of stress keep you alert while driving in a snowstorm or while sitting in a business meeting.

Pleasure:

At the right level and the right time, adrenaline provides excitement and stimulation. Without any stress response, you couldn’t enjoy a speed sport or falling in love. Many people enjoy a ride on a rollercoaster for the simple reason that it invokes the stress response, but it is safe and short lived.

In small doses, and with adequate control and knowledge that we are not really in danger, stress arouses our sensations and heightens our interest and pleasure. Thus, meeting new people and falling in love can be pleasurable partly because of the stress involved.

How to avoid unhealthy stress:

The goal should be to have the right kind of stress and in the right doses — something that is not too dangerous and is transient rather than ongoing.

Research shows that people who have more control in their lives experience less harmful stress. People in low-ranking jobs with no authority experience substantially MORE unhealthy stress than those in the apparently higher-stress, high-power jobs who have more control over their work. Unhealthy stress increases as level and control in one’s job decreases.

However, there can be relief from unhealthy stress in those who feel subordinate in their jobs. When people in low-level jobs view themselves as having a key role in another area of life, such as being captain of a sports team, a parent, or a crucial player in a volunteer organization, they tend to have reduced levels of stress. The key is that they exhibit leadership qualities in an area of life that they see as valuable and important.

Other ways unhealthy stress can be lowered include increased autonomy, appreciation through monetary reward or praise, social affiliation, exercise, laughter, and the practice of mindfulness. Everyone can benefit by finding something they love to do and people to do it with.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD


Read “I need to eliminate all stress from my life.”

Watch: “National Geographic: Stress: Portrait of a Killer.”

Excellence:
“I felt defeated when they said we would not become good pilots.”

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"Tuskegee Airmen, American Royalty" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“I will become a great pilot.”

Whatever unfairness a person faces, one part of overcoming it is to work and perform at a level of high distinction.

During WW I, African American men were not allowed to fly because of racial prejudice. Yet, through perseverance, hard work, and excellence, the “Tuskegee Airmen” became the most requested pilots to escort and protect bomber missions during World War II. Also called the “Red Tails” because of the red paint applied on their airplane tail assemblies, they achieved an exceptional record of protecting bombers during some 200 escort missions during the war.

We proved that the antidote to racism is excellence in performance.

~Tuskegee Airman Lieutenant Colonel Herbert Carter

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Resentment Part 1: ‘She got the job even though I work much harder. Hard work is a waste of time.’”


Read “Fear of failure: ‘I’m worried about failing.’”

Falling in Love & the Unconscious:
“I’m crazy in love. But friends say I’m setting myself up to be rejected again.”

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"Marilyn Silver Screen" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Romantic passion calls forth intensity, excitement, and focus of desire.

Intense emotions are generally fueled by psychological “complexes,” that is, heated reactions (positive or negative) to a person or situation reminiscent of a past experience that left a mark on the unconscious. A “complex” is a core pattern of emotions, perceptions, memories, and desires in the personal unconscious triggered by a common theme evoking past emotional experiences.

For instance, being in love with a smart and cold woman, who by coincidence is like your mother, may be driven by a projection of certain characteristics of your mother. Unconsciously, you hope to resolve your disappointment with that initial relationship by finally having someone similarly smart and cold be responsive and appreciative of you.

Does the fact that desire and even falling in love are possibly the result of a psychological complex taint their authenticity and beauty? Does one’s past experience of hope and disappointment with a similar type of person make a current love affair less authentic and meaningful?

Even if infatuation and love are complex-driven, they are no less real and important. The very fascination with the beloved reflects the entanglement of unconscious processes with falling in love. Falling in love involves projection, which is loaded with powerful affect.

Projection, however, is fraught with dangers. Consider the repeated disappointment a person will feel when the beloved becomes withholding or neglectful, just like his mother. What’s important in this case is that we don’t repeat our same ineffective ways of dealing with those who bring forth our complexes.

Emotionally-committed relationships are one of the best vehicles that can assist us in becoming aware of our unconscious and our complexes. They give us the opportunity NOT to repeat the past. But this takes awareness and effort.

Does passion driven by a complex fade when we become more integrated and whole? Does the fantasy of the “Magical Other” subside when we become more grounded and less neurotic? Perhaps.

If so, is it worth the cost?

We can hope for some progress toward wholeness, but few of us need to worry about losing our passion because we’ve become wholly-integrated and enlightened. So, we might as well enjoy the intensity of falling in love on our path to insight and understanding.

Even with great strides toward increased consciousness, the crazy feeling of infatuation might be replaced by the mindful intention to love — not a great cost after all for such a transformation.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Positive Projection: ‘He is so amazingly intelligent and articulate!’”

Reference: James Hollis’ “The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other.”