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“Live in the now, not in the future!”

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"Living Legends Wright Brothers"
by Mimi Stuart, Live the LIfe you Desire

Research studies show that individuals’ time orientation influences their “quality and satisfaction of life, relationships, school and work performances, and a variety of other future outcomes.”*

Most individuals are dominated by a particular time preference. Their focus on the past, present, or future is generally determined by cultural influence, upbringing, and personal experience. Each particular orientation has its benefits, but any one in excess can damage the quality of relationships, work performance, safety, and happiness.

1. Past Oriented

Benefit — People who focus on the past can learn from the past and enjoy the nostalgia. If their view of the past is positive — e.g., one of triumph or successful coping — they are likely to have positive expectations of the future.

Problem — They may hang on to grudges, making it difficult to get beyond negative experiences. They may have a limited view of themselves and others based on past events. Dwelling excessively in the past makes it hard to deal with the present or to plan for the future.

2. Present Oriented

Benefit — People who focus on the present are able to enjoy the moment, connect well with people, and experience pleasure. They are carefree, spontaneous, and completely in the present.

Problem — Studies show that people who are dominated excessively by a present orientation are found to be the least likely of the three types to be successful or to find deep happiness. Their inability to delay gratification can lead to reckless behavior, resulting in harm to themselves and others. Impulsive behavior, including addiction, promiscuity and unethical behavior, ironically often leads to a future lacking in pleasure as well as security.

3. Future Oriented

Benefit — People who focus on the future are able to conceptualize long-term consequences, and thus avoid reckless behavior. They take care of their health, finances and are responsible to their family. Planning for the future often leads to a more secure, comfortable, and desirable future.

Problem — Too much planning for the future can lead to workaholism and worry. People who focus excessively on the future miss out on spontaneity, personal connections, and present enjoyment of beauty and pleasure.

Dwelling exclusively in any one time-orientation thwarts overall happiness and effectiveness. Note that your first concern is your present security. If you are being attacked by a grizzly bear, you won’t be thinking about your IRA.

Ideally, we can balance all three time orientations — past, present and future — with different proportions of each depending on the situation. Work may call for greater future orientation, while spending time with loved ones calls for more present orientation, while the lessons from the past may be more relevant when dealing with uncertainty.

It is when we lose sight of other time orientations that we get in trouble. When we make present-day decisions, we need to keep the future in mind (think about drinking and driving, over-eating and other impulsive behavior.) Likewise, when we are at work or doing any kind of planning for the future, it is important to be in the present moment, so we can connect with the people we deal with, enjoy the small moments of beauty, and not let life pass us by. Life feels more embodied, whole and satisfactory if we can stay aware of all time-orientations rather than getting completely carried away by one.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

*Recommended Reading: “The Time Paradox,” in which Philip Zimbardo & John Boyd discuss how the time-focus individuals emphasize greatly shapes how they think and act.

Read “Impulsivity: ‘I knew the negative consequences, but couldn’t resist.’”

Read “Too Responsible to Enjoy.”

Giving Advice: “She never listens to me.”

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"Snowflakes" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind.

~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

1. Select an appropriate time and private setting to talk.

2. Ask the person whether she would like some advice or if you could tell her a story that might have some bearing on the situation.

3. Find out the person’s state of mind or point of view to make sure your advice is appropriate.

4. Remember that no one knows for sure what is best for another person. Telling a personal story has a greater effect than if you tell someone you know what’s best for her.

5. Frame your advice as a positive suggestion rather than negative criticism.

6. Don’t repeat advice. Pushiness has the opposite effect; it builds resistance.

7. Respect the other person’s autonomy. Let her decide whether or not to take your advice.

The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right.

~Hannah Whitall Smith

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “You never listen!”

Read “Conversation and Active Listening: ‘It seems like I do all the talking.’”

Overfunctioning and underfunctioning:
“If I don’t take care of things, nothing will ever get done.”

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"Individuals" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you desire

Every family is an emotional system, where the functioning, behavior and beliefs of each person influence the others. Overfunctioning is different from simply doing kind things for another person or having distinct but equal roles and duties. It is an ongoing pattern of feeling responsible for the emotional well-being of another and working to compensate for the perceived or real deficits in that person.

Overfunctioning leads to the underfunctioning person feeling dependent and entrusting responsibility for decisions and effort on those willing to do the work. As a result, the underfunctioning person becomes “less capable” — a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As family members anxiously focus on these differences and try to “correct” the problem, the more polarized they tend to become. Examples of these polarities include “overadequate” and “inadequate,” “hard-working” and “lazy,” “decisive” and “indecisive,” “goal-oriented” and “drifting.”

The underfunctioning person feels resentful because he or she likes being taken care of but is also irritated by his or her dependence and helplessness. The care-taker feels stifled — “I have to take care of everything, or things will go wrong.” Resentment on both sides builds.

Solution

The way out of such polarities is to work on oneself, rather than to attempt to change others. A positive change in one person will have a positive impact on all others, though there may be a bit of resistance at first.

Do Less

Those who overfunction need to do less. When mistakes are made, the overfunctioning family member must resist jumping in to take charge, fix things, and make motivational speeches. He or she must be able to handle the frustration of seeing others fumble around and do things far from perfectly.

Gradual Change

Gradual change is often less shocking and deleterious than sudden change. If the overfunctioning partner has been in charge of all budgets, financial decisions, and bill paying, it’s wise to ease into sharing such duties.

Explaining Change

Overfunctioners can explain to the underfunctioning family member(s) that they realize that their own well-intentioned overfunctioning has contributed to the current unsatisfactory situation. Then they must stand back a bit and allow others to become more autonomous, make mistakes, suffer consequences, develop resilience, and determine their own individual paths.

Example: Teenager Laundary

For instance, if the overfunctioning parent has been doing all cleaning and laundry for the teenagers in the house, it’s helpful to explain how and why you’d like them to start doing their own. Teenagers like the idea of independence, though they resist doing “boring” chores that are at the core of being independent. So explain that such changes are intended to help them become more capable and independent as they will be moving out in a few years and need to develop the habit of taking care of themselves. “Embrace chores, for they are at the core of becoming independent!” Then you can either let their dirty laundry pile up in their closets, or tell them you won’t drive them anywhere until they’ve done their laundry. In either case, the consequences of not doing their own laundry will eventually provide its own motivation.

After initial resistance, those who underfunction will gain more autonomy, especially if those who overfunction allow them to suffer the natural consequences of their inaction. Although it’s hard work to break patterns, eventually, with more emotional separation and autonomy, a better balance of capabilities and contributions in the household will bring much needed harmony to the family.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

Read “Childhood Impairment: The Family Projection Process.”

Recommended: Kerr, M. & Bowen, M. (1988). Family Evaluation: The role of the family as an emotional unit that governs individual behavior and development. W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.: New York.

“We always argue.”

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"Dynamic" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you find yourself arguing with a particular person a lot, reflect upon your underlying motivations. They may be causing your discussions to turn into arguments.

Consider…

1. Whether you have to be right,

2. Whether you have to prove your point,

3. Whether you are trying to get the other person to validate you,

4. Whether you are trying to change the other person, or

5. Whether you expect a silent, compliant audience.

All these motivations negate connection and stop effective communication between people. Coercive argument from a stance of superiority only results in hostility.

Relationships improve when people can discuss their opinions passionately AND compassionately. To communicate effectively and avoid bitter arguments, make sure you 1) find out what the other person believes and desires, and 2) express yourself in a way that the other person will be more likely to be open to hearing what you believe and desire.

When you are motivated to enhance your relationship, communications become pleasant and more effective. You can try the following:

1. Listen more and really try to understand what the other person thinks and feels. Put yourself in his or her shoes.

2. Let the other person finish his or her thoughts before interrupting with another point of view.

3. Express yourself so that you don’t trigger the other person. Focus particularly on your body language and tone of voice.

4. Be ready to simply accept your differences.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Improving Relationships.”

Read “Dealing with Angry People.”

Dealing with Unwanted Advice:
“If I needed your advice, I’d ask for it!”

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"Pleiades" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“I appreciate your wanting to help, but… right now I have a strategy,”

Or “…what I need right now is some time to reflect,”

Or “…now is not a good time.”

It takes a great man to give sound advice tactfully, but a greater to accept it graciously.”

~Macaulay, J. C.

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Setting Boundaries.”