Solitude reveals the richness of the Self, while loneliness reveals the poverty of the Self.
It’s good to be aware of feelings of loneliness, and to avoid escaping them by making unhealthy choices such as turning on the TV for background noise, eating junk food, or other addictive behaviors. When you’re alone, you can try to relish the time, do something special for yourself, read great books, listen to good music, reach for depth and serenity.
Too much isolation, however, can lead to melancholy. Loneliness may be a signal that you need to take action to connect with other people. Companionship and community can be revitalizing and enjoyable, but they require active participation.
If you don’t have friends or family nearby that you want to reach out to, helping someone else, such as volunteering at a senior center or wounded soldier program, is a wonderful way to connect with others and eliminate loneliness while doing something worthwhile.
Other ways to meet people and simply enjoy the camaraderie of others include myriad community activities, such as lectures at the library, classes, community theatre, and toastmasters. Pursuing your interests through community activities gets you in touch with people and may make you feel more vibrant and engaged, which will make reaching out to others easier and more natural.
When you call a parent, it’s not important whether you have anything to talk about. Making a call shows that you care. Simply calling to make a connection is what counts.
There’s no need to have long conversations or bring up topics that will generate arguments… unless there is something you want to air and attempt to resolve. Asking how they are doing or even talking about the weather does the job of making a connection.
If you’re afraid your parent will ask awkward questions, such as when are you going to get a real job, there’s no need to respond reactively. Look for the positive concern underlying the question, even if there’s more sarcasm than concern, and take the high road with your response, such as, “I appreciate your concern. I’m glad to have any job right now. Please don’t worry about my finances. I’m doing fine.”
Then switch the subject or get off the phone. “Have a great week. I’ll talk to you soon.”
The longer a person goes without calling a relative, the more resistance he or she will feel about doing it. Keeping these connections alive can mean a lot for everyone involved over the long-term, and can be particularly meaningful for parents as they age. One day you’ll be glad to hear your children on the phone asking, “How are you doing, Mom and Dad?”
Once we have our health and the necessities of life, it may be natural to pursue pleasure, excitement, and intellectual stimulation. Yet, if we pause to ask what has been most fulfilling and meaningful in our lives, it is likely that instances of sincere giving to others will be near the top of the list.
Knowing that your actions or words have contributed to someone’s well-being adds meaningful purpose to your life. It is wonderful to know that the way you’ve lived your life and how you’ve treated others has improved other people’s lives.
Contributing to others enhances not only their lives, but it is one of the greatest ways to enhance our own. Someone who helps others on a regular basis can have great impact on their lives and will never lack a sense of purpose and meaning in his or her own life.
Not everyone has the time or resources to contribute to others in a large-scale or consistent way, such as volunteer work or donations. This, however, does not exclude you from developing a giving nature. Giving to others can include small kindnesses such as a warm smile, sincere compliments, and encouraging words. Contributing to others becomes a way of being by consistently bringing the best of yourself to those with whom you interact.
Seeing patterns and generalizing from them is a crucial human skill. Scientists, business owners, and most capable people develop the ability to spot patterns in human behavior.
Yet, sometimes we make sweeping generalizations that exaggerate or oversimplify reality. Taking one unfortunate incident and jumping to conclusions can create problems.
Even if someone does tend to repeat certain types of behavior, it is not helpful to make overgeneralizations. People get defensive when you say, “You never show appreciation.” “You spend all your time with your friends instead of with me.” “You always interrupt me.”
It’s more effective to be specific and talk about one incident at a time. Limit yourself to specific facts, and focus on a desired solutions.
For instance, if you seek appreciation, you can ask, “Isn’t this dinner I cooked delicious?”
Instead of complaining about someone’s frequent absence, you could suggest, “I’d like to spend some time with you. When can we get together?”
To get someone to stop interrupting, you could say, “Please let me finish” each time you’re interrupted.
Specific positive requests are more likely to get you what you want than gross generalizations.
How often have you heard people say, “I still love him/her, but I’m not in love anymore”? Very often this loss of passion is the result of falling into a “positive bonding pattern” through countless decisions to hide true opinions and feelings to appease the other person.
“Positive bonding patterns,” which feel good at first because they are comfortable and safe, are ironically detrimental for the long-term health of a relationship. Each person puts on an attitude of agreement to placate the other and to avoid bringing up painful points of view or differing opinions. Each accommodates the other beyond the point of reasonable compromise.
Positive bonding patterns usually occur because we don’t want to rock the boat. Anxious to avoid upsetting the other person, we keep difficult thoughts and feelings to ourselves and put on a happy face.
However, thoughts and feelings that are hidden in a relationship will grow and fester. Eventually, the positive bonding pattern will lead to a lifeless relationship or a negative bonding pattern, in which fighting, anger, and bitterness will consume the relationship.
If a woman, for instance, doesn’t like the way her partner physically touches her but never says anything about it, the physical relationship is likely to peter out. She might remain agreeable, but she will find ways of avoiding physical intimacy.
Likewise, a man who never reveals that he dislikes the way his partner treats him may suddenly leave the relationship after years of acquiescence, in search of the dignity and respect he craves.
If one person does not express his or her differing opinions, discussions are likely to become dull and one-sided, and eventually come to an end. Silent judgments intensify. The relationship becomes stagnant and predictable. Sexual intimacy loses its passion or disappears. One’s opinions and preferences go underground. One loses one’s passion for life, and ultimately, one’s sense of self.
Here are some keys to avoid a positive bonding pattern:
1. Learn to communicate effectively, so that you can be honest without being offensive.
2. Avoid pretending to think or feel something that you don’t in order to keep the peace. You’re less likely to develop underground judgments and resentments.
3. Resist becoming overly dependent on another person, and you’ll feel less need to mollify the other.
4. Minimize overreacting, manipulating, and controlling your partner into doing what you want and agreeing with you, and it will be easier for your partner to retain a sense of self, which is vital for sustaining a long-term passionate relationship.
