“That’s what everyone’s pushing me to do.”

"YES!" — The Blue Angels by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

A person can’t choose wisely for life unless he dares to listen to himself, his own self, at each moment in life.

~Abraham Maslow

If we listen primarily to others, we don’t pay attention to our inner voice.

Our inner experience can guide us in how to engage the world. When we listen to the authentic voice of our heart, we can then ask ourselves if what we are doing is meaningful or if we should take steps to change our lives.

To get beyond our impulse to succumb to outside pressure, it helps to slow down the pace of our thoughts and become more mindful of the present moment. Self-awareness requires listening to our thoughts with curiosity rather than judgment.

We may find that some of our choices directed toward avoiding suffering may in fact be inflicting greater suffering. For example, excessive accommodation of others, busyness, and addictive behavior are automatic responses rather than intentional choices. We will discover that a deeper sense of awareness of ourselves will reward us with a deeper sense of happiness.

Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

~Howard Thurman

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “What is there to be cheerful about?”

“I need to eliminate all stress from my life.”

"In the Loop" — Jim Furyk by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Is it healthier to have stress or no stress in your life?

It depends. As you would expect, longevity and well-being tend to be greater for those with less stress in their lives rather than more stress but no control over it. Studies found clear signs of accelerated aging in those who reported the least control over their lives.

Surprisingly, however, you tend to live the longest, feel happiest, and have the strongest immune system when you DO have stress if it is under your control rather than if you have practically no stress at all. Stress causes cortisol, and having too little cortisol can be just as unhealthy as having too much. Active participation in directing your life with its inherent difficulties turns out to be better than passive acceptance of an easy life or helplessness in face of a difficult life.

Life is rarely stress-free because it requires us to deal with the unknown. However, the more practice we get in handling the unknown, the more confidently we can approach life. The same holds true for hardships; the more actively we endeavor to handle hardships, the greater our ability to take appropriate action in the future.

A good anti-aging tip, therefore, is to only focus on difficulties you can do something about. Taking control requires taking positive steps to deal with challenges, not simply ignoring them and suppressing the resulting stress. Such steps include
~ prioritizing your life,
~ changing your situation,
~ changing your perspective, and — just as important —
~ relieving the mounting tension in healthy ways such as exercising, relaxing with friends or family, and developing a sense of humor.

The violin makes its most beautiful resonance only when its strings are under enough tension.

~Charlie Stuart

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Natural Defenses in Preventing and Treating Cancer” by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber.

Read “Oh NO! Not another problem!”

Guest Author Sam Vaknin, PhD:
Abuse Victim’s New Year Resolutions — “Things will never change.”

"Resolute" — Tamara McKinney by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life the Desire

New year resolutions are notoriously fragile and ephemeral. But victims of abuse cannot afford this cavalier attitude: their mental — and too often physical — health depends on strictly observing the following promises to
themselves:

1. I will treat myself with dignity and demand respect from others. I will not allow anyone to disrespect me.

2. I will set clear boundaries and make known to others what I regard as permissible and acceptable behavior and what is out of bounds.

3. I will not tolerate abuse and aggression in any form or guise. I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally.

4. I will be assertive and unambiguous about my needs, wishes, and expectations from others. I will not be arrogant — but I will be confident. I will not be selfish and narcissistic — but I will love and care for
myself.

5. I will get to know myself better.

6. I will treat others as I want them to treat me. I will try to lead by way of self-example.

7. If I am habitually disrespected, abused, or if my boundaries are ignored and breached I will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith. Zero tolerance and no second chance will be my maxims of self-preservation.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD — the excellent author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” and other books about personality disorders.

Fantasies: “All I want is a Lamborghini! Then I’d be happy.”

"White Hot Speed" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire


Fantasies reveal to us symbolically what we may be missing in our lives. When we look at our fantasies metaphorically, they can point the way to our path to wholeness. However, we often take them too literally, and fail to realize the real need underlying the fantasy. For instance, the desire for an exceptional car might really signify our need for personal power, freedom, or the sense of being special.

Indulging literally in the whims of imagination can be a pleasurable escape from everyday reality. It can also inspire you to work hard, to pursue a new path, and even to change the course of your life. However, fantasies are deceptive in that they highlight the pleasure, thrill, and magic of what’s possible, and leave out the dreary, difficult, and inconvenient aspects of reality. They also often substitute the literal object for the quality that we could benefit from developing in ourselves.

Statistics have shown that most lottery winners lose all their gains within five years and often wish they had never won the lottery. The documentary “Lucky” follows several lottery winners after they have won the lottery to see how their “luck” ends up changing their lives.

One of the few people whose lives are not spoiled by winning the lottery is a math professor who had always fantasized about buying a Lamborghini. Once he is able to make his fantasy a reality, however, he chooses not to buy the exotic car, but to stick with his car and his life, having realized that having the fantasy was better than the would-be reality. He decides that owning the car would not be worth envy of the neighbors nor the worry about where to park to avoid damage to the precious car.

That’s not to say that it might not be satisfying to acquire exceptional and fancy things. Yet, it’s wise to remember that fantasies don’t consider the various challenges that come with their realization. Moreover, whatever fantasies come true, you remain the same person.

On the other hand, by learning what is motivating the fantasy, you don’t have to win the lottery to start integrating the sought-for qualities within yourself.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Listening to the One Percent” by Tony Evans.

Read “He’s such a caveman! Same old Disappointment on Valentine’s Day.”

Read “Happiness, Freedom, and Independence: ‘I don’t know what will make me happy.'”

“Why did she give me that gift? She knows I hate red.”

"Romanza" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire


So what I really meant was…

“It’s the thought that counts. If I can’t exchange it, at least I’ll be ready for the next white elephant party.”

A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver.

~Thomas á Kempis

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Resentment.”