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Living together Part I: Manners and Boundaries —
“What’s the matter with you? Look at this mess you made!”

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"Serenity" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Most of us like to come home to a place of harmony. To keep home as an oasis of peace, it helps to have manners and maintain boundaries. Here are some guidelines that work for most people.

1. Acknowledge others. Acknowledge them when they walk in the room; say “hello” and “goodbye.” Don’t take people for granted; say “please” and “thank you.”

2. Stay calm rather than being reactive. If someone’s grumpy, you don’t have to fix the problem or take it personally. Give the person space if you can. If the negative energy is overwhelming, then leave the room or say something without being offensive. “You seem unhappy. Is there something I can do for you?”

3. Seek some solitude every day and give others their privacy as well. By clearly communicating your intentions and your needs — that you need to rest or catch up on reading, for example, others will not take your isolation personally.

4. Look for the best in others and you’ll probably find it. Look for the worst, and that’s what you’ll find. If you’re the critical type, learn to let things roll off your shoulders. But if you’re the type to avoid making waves, try to speak up when things really bother you. The sooner you bring up things that upset you, the more casual and easy the conversation and relationship will be.

5. Communicate without judgment. All of us react quite differently to a friendly request than to negative criticism. Tone of voice and intention are more important than wording. “I feel a lot happier when the house is neat. I would really appreciate it if you’d clean up your dishes after you use them. And let me know if there’s something I can do differently.”

People in close quarters who are caring and thoughtful without being reactive or invasive can make living together a joy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Living together Part 2: Fairness”

Read “It drives my partner crazy that I’m too polite. I think he is too blunt.”

Read “You’re so irritable! Why don’t you go TAKE A HIKE and cool off!”

Asperger’s Syndrome: “Look me in the eye when I talk to you!”

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"Cosmos Background" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

In our Western culture we look people in the eye to show respect. However, this simple gesture is not an easy one for people with Asperger’s Syndrome, a low-level type of autism.

Children with Asperger’s typically have normal language and intellectual development. They may have large vocabularies and a fine ability to organize and understand material objects.

Yet, they avoid eye contact during conversations because visual interference is distracting to them.

Most people can internally mirror facial expressions and tone of voice to improve their understanding of what a speaker intends to communicate. For someone with Asperger’s, however, mirroring—or reading emotional states—is difficult. They have difficulty reading people’s feelings through body language and facial expressions and may not recognize subtle differences in speech tone that alter the meaning of others’ speech. Thus, they often tend to miss social cues.

Yet, like most people, a person with Asperger’s wants to be liked and to have friends. When they feel rejected for being odd and lacking the ability to connect easily, they feel alone and hurt.

So when you see a child or an adult who doesn’t look you in the eye, don’t assume they are being disrespectful. Be compassionate and imagine being in their shoes.

Even if a child does not have Asperger’s, but is simply shy or thinking about other things, the effect of demanding that he or she look at you only increases the child’s desire to withdraw. It’s better to kindly explain to the child that it’s helpful in this culture to occasionally glance at people in a conversation because it generally signifies respect. After that, kindness and acceptance are the best way to relate to those with Asperger’s as well as those who are merely shy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Reference: John Elder Robison’s “Look me in the eye: my life with Asperger’s.”

Read “Dont Blame: ‘Who tracked all this mud into the house?'”

“My child is so disrespectful.”

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"Pasqua Pink" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Raising children to become capable and compassionate adults requires teaching them respect and a feeling of good will.

1. Respect means having regard for someone’s feelings and rights. Teaching children to be respectful requires both being respectful to them and specifically pointing out when and how they could be more respectful to you. This means speaking and being spoken to without a demeaning, contemptuous or condescending tone of voice.

2. Good will means desiring what’s good for another person. Good will should not lead a parent to give children whatever they want. What’s good for children in the long-term may not be what’s most gratifying in the moment.

Ideally, parents can be friendly and respectful, yet, at the same time keep in mind what is best for the child in the long run. Reminding children to treat parents and others with respect and good will is crucial in preparing them for life and for having fulfilling relationships as adults.

When your child is rude, it’s best to be direct and say, “that tone of voice sounds rude and doesn’t make me or others feel good. A more positive tone of voice is much more effective in getting what you want and making people want to be with you.” Make sure you don’t give the child what he or she wants unless they use a respectful, friendly tone of voice.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’ve told you kids a thousand times to say ‘thank you.'”