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Respect each other:
“He’s always talking down to me.”

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"Garden of Eden" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

The most indispensable quality in a relationship is respect. When two people deeply respect each other as human beings, they can deal with a lot of challenges and differences of opinion.

The greatest threat to mutual respect is a spouse’s intense needs and fears, which often manifest themselves as controlling or demeaning behavior. While it’s fine to disagree or to be angry, there must be an underlying sense of respect for each other.

It is absolutely critical not to talk to one another disrespectfully. When one person starts speaking disdainfully, with a sneer or a sense of superiority, the other must stop it immediately. It’s up to you to make it perfectly clear that you won’t take it.

When someone goes after you like a judgmental parent, you have to set a boundary. Don’t respond to the advice or accusation. Say meaningfully, “Please, do not speak to me that way,” “Don’t do that,” or “Excuse me?”

Love based on respect requires a sense of self-respect on your part. Moreover, people who exude self-respect by stopping others from crossing a line or talking down to them are more attractive than those who accept it. Expecting respect is a more powerful aphrodisiac than unconditional positive regard.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Inner critics attract critical partners. Why does my partner criticize me all the time?”

Read “I always fall madly in love; we do everything together; and then, out of the blue, I get dumped.”

Disappointment: “I’m so disappointed. How could she?”

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"Glissando" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Disappointment is the feeling of unhappiness caused when your hopes or expectations are not realized. You feel let down because of the belief that you’re going to miss out on something forever.

All feelings have a purpose. Disappointment calls on you to modify your expectations. It’s a sign that things should be transitioning.

If you figure out what you can learn from your experience and change your expectations, then you can move on rather than linger in disenchantment. Once you’ve assessed why your expectations were unrealistic, you won’t repeat that particular miscalculation again.

However, don’t expect to avoid experiencing disappointment again. In order to do that, you’d have to give up hopes and expectations. Life would become dull and lifeless. A fulfilling life doesn’t occur without some frustration and disappointment.

Thus, the two common mistakes to avoid are:

1. Dwelling on the disappointment, and

2. Avoiding new experiences by becoming cynical.

An old Chinese tale shows how it’s hard to know when apparent misfortune is really good fortune and vice versa:

The son of a farmer had captured several fine wild horses. The neighbors were envious and murmured about his good luck. But the farmer shrugged his shoulders — “Life has it’s ups and downs,” he said. A few days later, the son broke his leg in trying to tame one of the horses. This time the neighbors whispered about his bad luck, but the farmer just shrugged his shoulders. Another week went by and government agents came by and took along every able-bodied man to fight invaders. The farmer’s son stayed behind.

Disappointment can lead to wonderful and healthy changes. It can cause you to re-evaluate what you want. It helps to set new goals and expectations on a continuous basis. Nothing helps more than a positive attitude and expecting the best again, but with a little more realistic outlook.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

~Mark Twain

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “The Fear of Loss: “I don’t want to be hurt anymore.”

“I hate Mondays!”

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"Do you feel like I do?" — Peter Frampton
by Mimi Stuart, Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“Perspective changes everything. I’m going to stop complaining, change my attitude, and see what happens.”

I had no shoes and complained,
until I met a man who had no feet.

~Indian Proverb

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I hate my job!”

Saving money:
“I want to buy this now!”

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"Precision Line" — Mariano Rivera
Live the Life you Desire

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

~Milton Berle

Saves are often as important as runs in winning championships. Likewise, saving money can be as important as how much money you make.

Yet, research shows that when making decisions, most people opt for a small amount of immediate gratification over a larger amount of future gratification. This is because we often make decisions with the emotional rather than the rational part of the brain.

Emotions help us experience and anticipate pleasure and pain. Yet, because emotions are stronger when anticipating imminent pleasure or pain, we often give greater weight to instantaneous gratification than to delayed gratification.

So, if you want to maximize your happiness, employ your emotions in listing the costs and benefits, or pleasure and pain, of any purchase. Then take some time using your reason to make decisions objectively rather than impulsively.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

~Spike Milligan

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “No money: I get really unhappy not to be able to buy clothes when I see all my friends shopping.”

Living together Part 2: Fairness — “Well, I’m paying for everything!”

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"Harmonic Balance" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
read

Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re fair with you.

~Alan Alda

In addition to having manners and maintaining boundaries, being fair in what you contribute in a household makes a big difference in long-term relationships. Here are a few guidelines that work for most people:

1. Clean up after yourself. There’s nothing so discouraging as living with someone who leaves a mess everywhere. Relaxed order, not sanitary perfection, is a happy medium for most people living together. People who are either sticklers for perfection or extremely messy are often better off living alone.

2. Be thoughtful, but beware of doing too much for others. While it’s kind to cook or clean for others, doing too much without willing reciprocity from them may lead to you becoming resentful.

3. Maintain your boundaries regarding personal property. It’s nice to be generous with people who are respectful and appreciative. However, if someone “borrows” something of yours without asking, you might say, “I’d like you to ask me first.” If people don’t respect your belongings, they likely will not respect you. If they persist in “borrowing” without asking, take steps to secure your property.

4. Have clear understandings regarding finances, both your own and your collective finances. In temporary relationships, where society has no legal say, such as non-married partners, or renters who share a house, it is very important to have clear understandings that address bills, finances and paperwork. Clearly define what belongs to whom and who is responsible for what. Even if you live with your best friend or the love of your life, you want to protect yourself and your relationship from the outset. A relationship is more solid and stress-free when there is clarity regarding finances.

5. Don’t gossip. When you align yourself with just one person, if there are more than two in the household, others in the house may feel alienated.

6. Have a sense of humor. This is probably the most beneficial trait you can have in relationships. As William James puts it: “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Living together Part I: Manners and Boundaries”

Read “I don’t want finances to get in the middle of it, because I don’t want it to get ugly.”