Monthly Archives:

Guest Author Sam Vaknin:
“I Can Achieve and Do Anything If I Only Put My Mind to It.”

Posted on by
3

"Finish Line" — Bruce Jenner by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

From an early age we are taught (at least in the USA) that there is no limit to what we can achieve; that if we wish to accomplish something all we need to do is set ourselves goals and then apply ourselves to their attainment. With time and dedication, we are told, positive outcomes are guaranteed and ineluctable no matter how high we set the bar. There are no unrealistic aspirations — only insufficient perspiration and lacking inspiration!

This is a narcissistic and delusional narrative. It is counterproductive because in reality we do have limitations, we suffer defeats, and we make mistakes. No one is infallible, invincible, omnipotent, or omniscient.

But, exposed to this onslaught of propaganda, aimed at boosting our self-esteem and puffing up our self-confidence, when, inevitably, we fail in some of our endeavors — we tend to blame ourselves: “If only I had tried harder”, or “I am such a loser, a lazy good-for-nothing, I never get it right!”

Such inner sadistic voices tend to deplete our energy and discourage us from trying again. In hock to the official line that casts us as absolute masters of our own fate, we’d rather abstain than be proven wrong. By attributing failures to our failings, we become the reification of our own “bad fortune” or “indolence.” We give up on life’s challenges, engulfed by fatalism and defeatism.

Some of us choose another path: “If I botched and bungled it, surely I didn’t want it that badly” (a reaction known as “cognitive dissonance.”) This kind of self-deception is equally self-destructive. It teaches us that nothing really matters, everything is fun and games and should not be taken too seriously. Reality and personal history are what you make of them and are subject to re-writing, reframing, and outright confabulation.

How to avoid these pitfalls?

First, you should develop a realistic gauge of your fortes and weaknesses, talents and shortcomings, skills and limitations. Make a list of your own positive and negative traits. Ask others — family members, friends, co-workers, people who know you well — to commit to paper their observations: your good and bad sides. If they are reluctant to risk your ire find a way to allow them to submit their input anonymously.

Now, compare the lists: the one that you have generated with the ones others have provided. Are they largely in agreement? If they are, it means that you know yourself well and that you evaluate your capabilities or lack thereof courageously and objectively.

If, however, there is an abyss between the way you see yourself and the way others view you, something is wrong with your self-assessment.

Concentrate on the questionnaires of those who know you best, longest, and in a variety of situations. Single out their responses which conflict with yours. Proceed to grade these answers on a scale of 1 to 5 with 5 being “I completely agree.” Isolate those reactions and descriptions that you have rated most highly. Are you ready to change your mind about some issues? Do you recognize yourself in some of this feedback? Give yourself time to digest all this conflicting information. Think about it hard and long. Can you come up with incidents and events in the past which support your view — or theirs? Try to return to your list and re-do it in light of these new data.

This protracted inner dialogue is important. You are bound to emerge from it with a better, more functional appraisal of yourself. You will learn to set goals that are realistic are are unlikely to result in frustration and emotional pain. Getting acquainted with your limitations is the first step towards a balanced, mentally hale life. You and your nearest and dearest will benefit from it immensely.

by Sam Vaknin, PhD, the excellent author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited” and other books about personality disorders.

Watch Sam Vaknin’s video called “Narcissist’s Pathological Grandiosity.”

Negative Projection:
“I never had children, because my husband didn’t want to, and now it’s too late.”

Posted on by
4

"Mastery and Mystery" — Queen Bess by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

It was Carl Jung who stated that thoughts and fears that remain unconscious get projected onto others. A wife blames her husband for their decision not to have children, unaware of her own fear of such responsibility.

People tend to project qualities that are incompatible with their own self-image. For instance, a person who sees himself as kind and generous might not want to acknowledge his own greed, and consequently sees it only in others; or a husband blames his wife for having given up his dreams of traveling the islands with a guitar, unaware of his own preference for the security of his stable job, lifestyle, and wife.

When we make negative projections, we rarely recognize the seeds of those qualities in ourselves. Painful or incompatible qualities get projected onto another person, and that person ends up becoming the target of our wrath.

Our task is to take back our projections in the quest for wholeness.

By projecting the decision not to have children on your husband, you disown your own free will. You disregard your own part in that decision. Ultimately, you made the choice not to have children. You could have talked your partner into it, discussed it before getting together, or left him rather than abiding by his preference. You chose to stay with him and thereby agreed with his desire not to have children.

By taking back responsibility for making your own decisions, you become aware of your true priorities and choices. When you stop blaming others, you gain freedom and control in your life. As a result, you don’t live with resentment toward others in your life — a key to happy relationships.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Childhood impairment: The family projection process.”

Read “Positive Projection: ‘He’s so amazingly intelligent and articulate!”

Positive Projection:
“He is so amazingly intelligent and articulate!”

Posted on by
4

"Resonance"
by Mimi Stuart ©

Live the Life you Desire

When desirable qualities such as creativity, sensuality, or leadership ability are incompatible with one’s self-image, they often get projected onto others.

Positive projection is frequently an integral part of falling in love. Carl Jung maintains that all impassioned, almost-magical relationships between people involve projection. The other person becomes the object of great love or loathing, and sometimes both.

We usually don’t see our own projections, because they stem from the unconscious, and because they get cast onto someone with a suitable hook. But we can distinguish projections from objective observations, because projections are accompanied by considerable heat or emotion found in the feelings of awe, adoration and reverence.

The problems with projection include the following:

1. Prevents objectivity. Projection often prevents people from being perceptive and objective about themselves and others.

2. Prevents personal development. Unconscious content that is projected onto another person becomes less accessible for personal integration. “She’s the articulate one.” “He decides where to vacation.” “She handles the finances.” Often people will hold back from developing the admired qualities in themselves.

3. Too much dependence. A person may get into an excessively dependent relation with the person who is the object of these positive projections. “He’ll handle the finances; he’s good at that.” “She’ll speak to the children; she’s good at that.”

4. Deep disappointment. Sooner or later the person on whom one is projecting admirable qualities won’t be able to live up to one’s expectations, which can lead to deep disappointment, frustration, and loathing.

So, we must refrain from expecting our partners to do what we can do for ourselves.

We cannot avoid having projections. Yet, we can pay attention to our projections and thereby learn what we can develop within ourselves. Projection provides a great deal of value when we realize that that which inspires us in others has been in us all along.
For instance, the heat with which you admire his “amazing intelligence and ability to speak” indicates that you value but disown those attributes in yourself. Being aware of your projection lets you know that something in you is seeking to develop your intelligence and eloquence.

You can take steps to develop these traits, such as taking classes, reading, and practicing public speaking by going to Toastmasters. Before long, consistent practice will lead to the realization of those attributes in yourself.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Childhood impairment: The family projection process.”

“I’m tired of my wife telling me to use my knife instead of my finger to push food on my fork.”

Posted on by
Reply

"Tashi" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“I might as well use my knife. It’s not worth fighting over. That’s a pretty easy way to make her happy, and I’ll have decent table manners too.”

Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

On the other hand,

The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones.

~Gabirol, The Choice of Pearls

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Enantiadromia: It drives my partner crazy that I’m too polite. I think he is too blunt.”

Changing your neural synapses: “It’s just the way I am. I have a bad temper and can’t change it.”

Posted on by
2

"Non-conformist" — Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

According to the research in neuropsychology, people can change personality traits. However, it takes a great deal of determination and repetition of the new behavior to do so. For example, if you tend to lose your temper easily when frustrated, it takes a lot of effort to stay calm.

Yet, each time you succeed in repeating your new desired behavior, such as staying calm or generating a good mood, it becomes just a bit easier and quicker to transition into that mood the next time.

The neuroplasticity of the brain allows new neural connections to be formed throughout your life. Every time you repeat a new behavior, the networks in the orbitofrontal cortex become a little more efficient at re-enforcing that behavior—the neural pathways run more quickly, like a road that’s being cleared of obstacles and then paved.

With each repetition, PET scan studies show that the associated brain regions work progressively more rapidly and skillfully. Axons branch out and new synapses are formed, creating greater efficiency and ease for the next attempt to resist the old behavior and employ the new behavior.

So there’s some truth to the old adage that it takes willpower to change a bad habit. The less you lose your temper, the weaker those neural connections responsible for that behavior become, and the less prone you are to lose your temper in the future.

The important thing is to repeat the desired habit, and soon it will become ingrained and quite natural—a new way of being.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

~Albert Einstein

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Facial expressions: She says I frown all the time. That’s just me.”

Read “Fears and phobias: I avoid going out in public because I don’t like talking to strangers.”