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James Hillman: Depression in a Manic Society—“I have to stay busy. If I stop, I’ll feel sad and empty inside.”

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"Percussion" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

There are many good things about being active and working hard. Yet, some people display a mania in the busy-ness of their lives as a manic defense against depression. They fear that their energy and purpose will suddenly collapse if they slow down. And it might, at least temporarily.

Those people often carry many of the characteristics of mania: excessively outgoing, optimistic, euphoric, aggressive and argumentative. Their lives are so complex and fast paced that they have no time to reflect. They move with a speed that leads to an absence of inwardness. If there is no time for introspection and loss, the losses will mount until they eventually become unbearable and overcome us.

Slowing down even to experience sadness can be restorative of psychological health. James Hillman* said that “through depression we enter depths and in depths find soul.” Melancholy and sadness can bring refuge, focus, gravity, weight, and humble powerlessness—all necessary to discover consciousness and depth.

Hillman suggests that by slowing down and finding depth in our lives, we can find a way of living multiple-mindedly rather than single-mindedly. By pausing, we find what’s interesting—depth, fantasy and image.

Most changes are undertaken more successfully if approached incrementally and with moderation. Rather than abruptly ending an on-the-go lifestyle, taking some time each day to do nothing or to stroll leisurely without an agenda will allow unconscious contents to bubble to the surface.

The unconscious is like a rebellious teenager. If you repress either for too long, you’re in for some unpleasant surprises. It’s less risky to make time for hidden feelings and thoughts to arise, than to stay too busy to deal with them.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

• Renegade psychologist James Hillman died last week on October 27. The notes included here are from his seminar I attended in Santa Barbara called “Depression in a Manic Society” in 2000.

Read “Mild Depression and the Blues.”

The Persona and the Shadow:
“I’ve always been accommodating, but at times I find myself saying very mean things.”

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"Barnegat Lighthouse" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Carl Jung recognized a part of the personality that he called the “persona.” It is the role an individual chooses to play in life or the impression he or she wishes to make on the outside world. The persona is the interface between our ego and other people.

We need to have a persona. It develops early in life through the impact of environment, culture, and personal attributes to protect parts of our inner self from the world.

However, problems arise when a person becomes too heavily identified with his or her persona. That which gets repressed or ignored in order to put forth the persona becomes a person’s “shadow.” The more we identify with our persona — that is, the more we believe that we are our persona, the more split-off the shadow will become. A disowned shadow is likely to act out in destructive ways without our awareness — as when a person unexpectedly becomes mean or violent, acts out sexually, or falls apart emotionally.

For example, when you identify yourself as being accommodating, and believe that that’s who you are rather than just a way you choose to behave much of the time, you disown feelings and desires that are at odds with being accommodating. You may completely ignore any desires or opinions that appear “selfish” to you.

Repressed feelings increase the shadow’s pressure until it erupts suddenly, surprising you and others. It may manifest itself as cruel outbursts or passive-aggressive behavior.

Similarly, someone who identifies with being powerful may find his or her vulnerabilities emerging as weakness, dependency, or panic, as we saw when Libya’s dictator Gaddafi faced death and pleaded for his life.

Wholeness develops when we become aware of and respect all dimensions of the self and have a place for all those dimensions so that everything belongs.

In order to stop saying mean things, it would help to become aware of your shadow — the part of you that is not always accommodating. By acknowledging and starting to develop your unaccommodating parts, such as your self-interest, power, and independence, you can start the process of reconciling the diverse states of your personality. When you respect your needs and opinions that do not fit into your persona, they are less likely to explode as anger and viciousness.

All of these parts have a constructive role to play in your life. You can still choose to be accommodating, but once you bring some light onto your shadow, it will be less likely to cause trouble.

The ego keeps its integrity only if it does not identify with one of the opposites, and if it understands how to hold the balance between them. This is possible only if it remains conscious of both at once.

~Carl Jung, “The Nature of the Psyche”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Negative Projection.”

Flattery:
“Meet my friend, the CEO and triathlete with a house in the Hamptons.”

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"Snubhubbub" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

When you introduce friends in a social setting by flattering them, you probably just want to make them feel good. But here are some unintended negative consequences of flattery:

1. You create expectations. You don’t let your friend establish his or her own impression and identity. You taint the new relationship with preconceived notions rather than allowing a rapport to evolve in a more interesting and natural way.

2. You reduce friends to their resumé. The character and essence of a person are more important and intangible than a checklist of accomplishments.

3. You ignore the nuances. You imply that you primarily appreciate your friends for their achievements and may not appreciate the nuances and mystery of who they really are.

4. You are using your friend to enhance your status. You give the impression that you are trying to boost your own self-esteem by boasting about being connected to someone “important,” “smart,” or “talented.” This often reveals a desire to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.

5. You embarrass your friend. Blatant flattery puts friends on the defensive and in the position of being embarrassed. They may then feel they have to downplay their accomplishments or alternatively to live up to their accomplishments.

6. You cause others to feel inferior. By playing up your friend’s achievements, you might cause others to feel inferior or inadequate.

There are some people who will be delighted if you introduce them with a fanfare-accompanied list of their achievements. However, you actually show more faith in a friend by introducing him or her with a simple “This is my good friend Alex.”

Of course, there are always exceptions. In business, relevant detailed introductions are necessary, and sometimes it could be helpful to let people know that they have something of interest in common. Both can be done without flattery.

Nothing is so great an example of bad manners as flattery. If you flatter all the company, you please none; If you flatter only one or two, you offend the rest.

~Jonathan Swift

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Bragging on a first date: ‘I graduated with top honors and live on Knobhill.'”

“My negative emotions bring me down. I tend to dwell on feeling hurt or angry.”

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"Passacaglia" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Negative emotions often indicate that what we are doing is not working for us. They signify that we need to become more flexible—to change our perceptions, our expectations, or our actions.

Flexibility allows us to deal with whatever life hands us without lingering with pain and suffering more than necessary. By becoming more versatile, we can view the twists and turns in our lives as an adventure. That’s not to say that there are not certain losses and disappointments that will be extremely painful. Still, much of our suffering can be used as a signal to change our action or to view a particular experience differently.

Notice that people who enjoy traveling are adaptable. They can go with the flow or change plans if necessary. If something unexpected happens, they don’t say, “This isn’t how I viewed my trip to Spain.” They become alert and alive, and often welcome the adventure unfolding before them.

Like traveling, life is a journey full of surprises and disappointments. The more quickly we can move forward with a new approach the better.

So, when you feel hurt, ask yourself, ”How can I change my expectations of the person who has hurt me?” When you are angry, ask yourself, “What step can I take to find justice or at least to avoid that same injustice in the future?”

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

~Albert Einstein

Life is pretty simple: You do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. You do more of what works. If it works big, others quickly copy it. Then you do something else. The trick is the doing something else.

~Leonardo da Vinci

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Luck: “I try so hard but am usually unlucky.””

Comparing Children:
“What a mess! Why can’t you clean your room and do things right like your brother?”

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"The Wright Brothers" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“I’d like you to organize your room. Please clean it up before dinner. Do you need help getting started?”

It’s best to be direct with children, that is, firm and respectful, even when their idea of cleaning is “to sweep the room with a glance,” as Erma Bombeck would say.

Comparisons don’t motivate or inspire children. They only dishearten them and invoke sibling rivalry and jealousy.

The surest route to breeding jealousy is to compare. Since jealousy comes from feeling “less than” another, comparisons only fan the fires.

~Dorothee Corkville Briggs

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Don’t Blame: Who tracked all this mud into the house? How thoughtless!”