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Parenting too Strictly:
“Because I said so!”

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"Mysterious" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Parents who use dominance and threats without explanation to get their children to do what they want will probably succeed. Fear works – but only in the short-term.

However, there are several long-term negative results that often occur:

1. The children lose respect for their parents.

2. They learn to hide things from their parents and will not bring up questions or problems for discussion as they know that their parents are not willing to engage in a dialogue, preferring black-and-white direction and instructions.

3. They do not learn critical thinking, which involves looking at the pros and cons in a given situation. Nor do they learn to think with complexity about the mysteries of the world.

4. They may become victims of other domineering people, such as controlling spouses, employers, and social groups. Peer pressure also becomes a problem with kids who are strictly controlled.

While it takes more effort to have a reasonable discussion with reasonable explanations, it helps your children develop thinking skills of their own.

Beware, however, of the other extreme of explaining too much. Parents cannot expect their children to be happy with every rule or task they are asked to do. Children are unlikely to jump with joy and say, “Yes, I’d love to clean the kitchen!”

Yet, with respectful discussion, their spirits won’t be suppressed, and their thinking won’t be stifled. In the end they will respect you more for it.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Authoritative vs. Permissive Parenting.”

Infidelity: “Hoping and wishing my husband would give me the same love he showers on other women over ten years of infidelity.”

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Reach for the Moon by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

To get a better perspective, imagine your situation in reverse. Suppose you were the unfaithful one having various affairs with other men, and that your husband put up with that kind of behavior for ten years. What would you think about your husband? Would you have any respect for him?

I think that the answer is “no.”

A person has more respect for someone who shows a strong sense of self-respect. To gain self-respect, it’s important to learn to set boundaries and to make decisions based on what is healthy for you rather than on wishful thinking. Ultimately, you need the courage to face your fear of life without him.

Unfortunately, your longing to stay with someone who does not treat you in a reciprocal, loving way, with respect and compassion, will not change him into someone who will love, respect, and cherish you. Staying with someone who repeatedly has affairs will only drain away any self-respect and joie de vivre you have left.

The best way to avoid having to endure such hurtful behavior from someone is not to put up with it. Ask yourself what has kept you tied to him for so long. It sounds as though it is the hope that things will improve together with a fear of moving on by yourself.

Do not be afraid to live alone. When you start choosing people and activities that enhance your life and your well-being, your strength and self-empowerment will grow. You will be amazed at what might turn up in your life. Let go of your fear, set some suitable boundaries and be prepared to walk away.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I can’t live without him/her” by Sam Vaknin, PhD.

Read “The emotional affair: Well, I’m not having a sexual affair” by Jennifer Freed, PhD.

Blamed for being Attractive:
“My husband accuses me of being flirtatious, which I’m not. People are just drawn to me.”

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"Effervescence" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

There’s a big difference between provocatively flirting with others and simply being an outgoing, attractive person. People with self-respect who are engaged in the world with a positive outlook tend to have a certain magnetism that is appealing to others.

People cannot expect their partners to go out in the world with a stern or repressed demeanor and come home with life-enhancing energy — that would be unfortunate for everyone.

If you simply exude a healthy vitality and are not purposely trying to get sexual attention, then your husband may be missing out on enjoying your energetic essence.

By accusing you of being flirtatious, he is unconsciously trying to shame you into hiding the part of yourself that is animated and engaging. Keep in mind he may be doing this as he fears losing you. The unfortunate result is that he will push you away and cause you to hide the more vibrant part of yourself from HIM.

Thus, it’s vital that he show his appreciation for the part of you that captivates people. You could remind him that he’s the one you are faithful to (assuming it’s true, of course), and that he should not expect you to constrict yourself around others in your sphere. Remind him that you are not interested in starting up inappropriate relationships and that you know your boundaries.

Ask him not to diminish himself by blaming you for your charismatic life force. Instead, if he learns to overcome his insecurity, he’ll appear more attractive and confident in himself. By valuing what attracted him to you in the first place, rather than trying to squelch your spark, he would enhance the magic between you.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “How can you be so jealous? You’re being ridiculous.”

“I hate my job!”

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"Stoicism" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“It’s not my favorite job, but I need the work. So I intend to do it the best I can with an excellent attitude. I’m also going to start looking for a way to transition into something more to my liking.”

You’ll not only feel great satisfaction for a job well done, you may also get promoted or receive a good recommendation in the eventuality you find other work.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

No labor, however humble, is dishonoring.

~The Talmud

Read “I’ve lost my home and job. My life is over.”