"Walking Tall" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“That’s an interesting point of view. How did you arrive at it?”
“Here’s another way of looking at it.”
When you show genuine interest in understanding another person and welcoming their views, you set the stage to offer alternative views. There’s no need to fake agreement, but you’ve opened the possibility for having a lively discussion of ideas, rather than a tug of war.
People in a relationship do not need to agree on everything. An ability to discuss perspectives without hostility is key to having interesting and productive conversations. It is of particular value in problem solving.
Questions about getting married, getting a “real” job, or how the divorce is going can be awkward at family gatherings. It’s helpful to keep in mind that many relatives are truly concerned and simply want what’s best for you. Others might simply be trying to make conversation and to be considerate rather than intrusive.
Humor is a great way to deflect such prying questions. If asked about something awkward, keep a positive, light-hearted attitude. If you show that you feel uncomfortable or upset, you simply draw attention to yourself and to the topic.
If someone asks about your divorce status or financial situation, you could answer the question in a generality as Emerson would: ‘Money often costs too much.’”
Steer the conversation in the direction of their lives: “Aw, that’s not so interesting. What’s going on in your life?”
Try the quizzical eyebrow with a smile that says, “You can’t think of anything else to talk about? Come on now.”
If you know that someone is going to ask you when you are finally going to have children or some other unwelcome question, you might approach that person first in private, and say something like, “I know you want us to have children, but we haven’t made that decision yet. Let’s not bring it up at dinner. Thanks.”
"Rovinj at Dawn" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
How often have you heard the following phrases coupled with the most horrific physical, verbal, and psychological abuse: “It’s all your fault, you made me do it” or “look what you made me do!”
Abusers have alloplastic defenses and an external locus of control. This means that they tend to blame others for their misfortunes, mistakes, and misconduct. They believe that the world is a hostile place, “out to get them”, and that there is little they can do to mitigate and ameliorate their failures and defeats. Their acts and choices are brought on by other people’s malevolence, negligence, and stupidity. Abusers regard themselves as eternal victims.
The problem starts when the true victims – often the abuser’s “nearest and dearest” – adopt his/her point of view and begin to feel guilty and responsible for his/her reprehensible behaviors. This folie a deux (literally, in French, “madness in twosome”) or shared psychosis is very common: victims and abusers form symbiotic dyads, abrogate reality, and share the same delusions. They allocate roles: the victim triggers the abuse and deserves it, the abuser is merely a hapless tool, devoid of volition and with an absent impulse-control.
But why would anyone succumb to such a patently fallacious view of the world? Why would anyone assume the guilt for her own torture and maltreatment? Shared psychosis is a complex phenomenon with numerous psychodynamic roots. Some victims fear abandonment and would do anything to placate their abusive intimate partner.
Others grew up in dysfunctional families and are familiar and comfortable with abuse (it is their “comfort zone.”) Some victims are masochistic and others simply want to “make the relationship work.” Fear plays a big part, too: sometimes the only way not to provoke another onslaught is by playing by the abuser’s rules.
So, what can you do about it?
1. Start by realizing a few crucial facts, supported by reams of research and mountain-ranges of court decisions: Abuse is never justified. No amount of discord and provocation warrant violence of any kind (verbal, sexual, physical); The abuser chooses to misbehave. S/he is not compelled to batter you, or berate you, or rape you, or humiliate you; There is nothing you could have done differently to forestall the abuse. You are not guilty, you are not to blame, you are the victim, not the perpetrator. These should be your mantras.
Your abuser doesn’t love you. Abuse and love are antonyms. Abuse is never a form of expressing love.
2. Next, try to figure out why you have acquiesced to your abuser’s behavior. Are you anxious that s/he may abandon you if you stand up for yourself? Are you scared that the abuse may escalate if you resist him/her? Do you feel helpless? Have you always felt this way or is this learned helplessness? Are you truly alone – or do you have supportive friends and family? What about the authorities? Do you trust them to protect you and, if not, why not?
3. Analyze the relationship. Can you reframe your roles? Are you sufficiently strong to put a stop to the abuse by posing conditions, imposing sanctions, and acting on infringements? Is couples therapy an option? If you have answered “no” to any of these three questions, you are better off without your abuser. Start looking for a way out. Plan the getaway in detail and share your intentions with friends, family, and trusted co-workers. Then act on it.
Remember: The world never comes to an end when relationships do — but abuse can be deadly.
"Genius Unleashed" — Robin Williams by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
Everyone has some relative who has bad table manners, belongs to a crazy cult, or drinks too much. We tend to be hardest on those closest to us, wanting to eradicate their bad habits. Yet, showing embarrassment and disapproval tends to draw out the worst in those around us, and may reveal that we care too much about the family image.
Our relatives don’t define who we are and besides, no one is perfect. Life is too short to worry about the imperfections in those around us. Generally, a sense of humor can help us overlook our family’s extreme political views or incessant bragging.
You’re better off not trying to change adult relatives or to get them to see the light. If they haven’t changed in 20 years, they are not likely to change now. The exception would be if they became deeply motivated to change within themselves.
Abusive behavior or language, however, is another matter completely. It’s important to speak up or leave when someone is aggressive or acts inappropriately, such as name calling or exercising harsh criticism. When you respond to a verbal attack, you could say, “When you call me names, it’s denigrating to both of us, and makes me want to leave. If you have something to say to me, say it respectfully.” If they can’t stop their belittling behavior, then it’s time to limit or stop spending your time with them.
Harmless personality quirks, though, can be seen as a source of amusement rather than providing you with a mission to correct them. Challenge yourself to use your wit, creativity, and humanity to overlook imperfections and to bring out the best in those eccentric family members around you.
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
"Reflection of Inner Beauty" — Einstein by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant is…
“I’m going to spend time with people who enrich my life.”
Time is valuable. The people you spend time with have a big impact on your life. It’s important to choose people, activities, and books that elevate your thinking, your attitude, and your life.
You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.
