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“I don’t want finances to get in the middle of it because I don’t want it to get ugly, I just want to be fair.”

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"Meadow Wander" — Squaw Valley by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Do not make financial decisions based on a fear of intimidation! If you do, then you will remain a victim to intimidating people. It’s a law of human nature that manipulative, self-centered people sense when they have the upper hand with those who fear intimidation and confrontation.

Moreover, people are more willing to do what’s fair when they know they are not dealing with a pushover.

Fairness is an appropriate goal, not avoiding ugliness, because the only way one person can guarantee avoiding ugliness is by being a slave to whatever the other person wants. Two people are in charge of finding a peaceful solution—not just you.

If you are a person who fears confrontation, you have to become willing to face another person’s unpleasant reactions. You can remain calm and gracious without backing down in the face of confrontation. You can’t control how someone else may react, unless you are willing to give in to all demands to appease bad behavior.

You need to be willing to set up boundaries to enjoy peace and harmony.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Pleaser and Receiver.”

Read “Dealing with Angry People.”

Important Decisions:
“I’m afraid I will suddenly realize I am making a big mistake.”

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"Sforzando" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

We all make mistakes. Often. The best we can do to avoid making big mistakes is to avoid making big decisions impulsively. Decisions made rashly without carefully considering all sides of a dilemma are the ones that are most often regretted.

Good decisions are the product of mulling over opposing factors. Impulsive decisions are made from just one part of ourselves, usually the part that’s been held back for a while.

For example, after years of being the responsible type, people crave fun and spontaneity. Some may suddenly quit their job, leave their marriage, or move to Hawaii to surf. While these could be good decisions for a particular individual, making the snap decision to swing to the opposite lifestyle often leads to deep regret. Such decisions often backfire and cause the person to get right back on their previous track without integrating any of the new quality they may be desiring, such as in this case, spontaneity.

Generally, big life changes are most successful if they don’t involve a change to the polar opposite. Instead new qualities should be gradually integrated into your life without throwing out the qualities you’ve spent your life developing.

On the other hand, avoiding making important decisions is a decision in itself. Life is a series of choices, experiences, and adjustments. We shouldn’t be paralyzed by fear of making a mistake, because the absence of decisions and adjustments can just as easily lead to big mistakes.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’m just not a sensual person.”

Too much Guilt:
“He makes me feel guilty if I don’t do what he wants.”

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"Singh Shot" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If we are going to be kind, let it be out of simple generosity, not because we fear guilt or retribution.

~J.M. Coetzee, Disgrace

Often people who are exceptionally considerate feel guilty for disappointing others even if their own actions are appropriate. In these cases, feelings of guilt are excessive. Much of their guilt is simply a learned response.

Excessive or inappropriate guilty feelings hurt people by causing them to experience unnecessary stress, to ignore their own needs, and to surrender their personal power. Also people who are overly concerned with never disappointing others become prey to manipulative people.

Guilty feelings are like having a cold. If you didn’t know what the symptoms meant, you’d probably think you were dying. Once you know that you simply have a cold, then the symptoms become more annoying than frightening.

It’s similar when you experience guilt — it feels that you must be doing something horribly wrong in disappointing another person. However, when you realize that you were simply raised to consider other people’s feelings as more important than your own, you can then learn to ignore the inappropriate guilty feelings.

How do you respond to someone’s unfair expectations of you?

Say, for example, someone implies that you should do something to make him happy regardless of what you want. You then can respond in a matter-of-fact way, “Hey you might like that, but I wouldn’t be happy. So, that wouldn’t work, now would it?” Or “I’ve got too much going on, but good luck.” You can even smile and simply drop the dread of hurting him. He’ll survive. The anxiety will pass and he will be less likely to ask in the future.

Don’t expect others to know what you want. Some people are more self-centered; some people are more considerate. In either case, you should not count on someone else to take care of your needs and desires. You have to take care of them yourself by direct, immediate, and matter-of-fact communication. Do not equivocate. Otherwise people end up playing guessing games with a few guilt trips thrown in.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’m always walking on eggshells. I don’t want to upset my partner.”