Monthly Archives:

Bragging on a First Date:
“I graduated with honors, won the state championship in tennis, and drive a Ferrari.”

Posted on by
1

"Capriccio" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Bragging backfires

People brag in order to impress others. However, reciting your resumé and accomplishments on a first date actually can do the opposite. It suggests that you are compensating for low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. It also attracts people who want you to pull them into a false sense of superiority.

Enjoy the conversation

1. Retain some mystery. It’s actually more impressive and fun to meet someone who remains a mystery and who prefers engaging in conversation rather than in impressing others.

2. Relax. Instead of flashing your credentials and flexing your muscles, relax and be yourself. Be curious without interviewing aggressively. Balance talking and listening.

3. Be honest. If you disagree with an opinion, say so diplomatically.

4. Feel good about yourself. Flirting is healthy—although you don’t need to go overboard.

5. Take it easy. Getting to know someone is like dancing together for the first time. If you jump into your fanciest moves without getting a feel for your dance partner first, you will be dancing on your own.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Symptoms of Narcissism.”

Rushing: “I’m only five minutes late and got so much done.”

Posted on by
4

"Prestissimo" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Many people get a rush out of rushing and squeezing extra tasks into every minute of the hour. I personally have found myself feeling proud of all the things I can get done in a short amount of time.

However, when rushing becomes a habit rather than a skill left for the occasional emergency, your life suffers in several ways:

1. You cannot enjoy the mystery and depth of the moment.

2. Even if you enjoy the challenge of speed and action, you exude tension.

3. Other people feel your tension and don’t enjoy being with you. They might even feel as if they are an imposition on you.

4. Rushing causes you to make mistakes and forget things.

5. You don’t spend much “quality” time with others.

When you’re overly focused on a goal, you may forget the impact you have on others. For example, people often tail-gate while driving because they don’t allow enough time to get where they are going. They are too busy trying to squeeze in an extra task.

Worst of all, people become impatient and rude with those closest to them if they have too much on their mind.

So, take a step back, notice your tendency to fill every moment. Become aware of the anxiety caused by packing too much in.

There’s no need to swing to a life of meditation. Simply take a little more time to become “present” to yourself and those around you. Calming down your inner pusher will allow you to experience greater serenity, mystery, and depth in your life.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Too Responsible to Enjoy.”

Stonewalling:
“I’m busy. I don’t have the time to deal with this right now.”

Posted on by
Reply

"The Raven" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Stonewalling is a technique used by people to deliberately delay having to respond or cooperate with others. A stonewaller stalls or refuses to discuss his or her motivations or to listen to another’s point of view.

People may want or need an answer: “My parents invited us for Thanksgiving, should we go?”, “I’d like to get that home entertainment center,” “I received a great job offer in Stonewall City, will you be willing to move?” Discussions are an essential part of a relationship.

Occasionally, stonewalling within reason can be a way of taking the time needed to contemplate a difficult situation. However, if stonewalling becomes common place when a difficult question arises, problems will compound and relationships will disintegrate into isolation and resentment.

If you tend to stonewall, it’s essential that you respond in some way right away even if it is just to buy yourself time. At least suggest a specific day when you’ll discuss the question or problem. Nothing is more important in a relationship than the ability to openly discuss differences of opinion or preferences.

If you are dealing with a stonewaller, ask for specific detail and a time-frame. To ease communication, you can say, “I’d like to know what you’d prefer to do or what the pros and cons are for you regarding this decision.”

A stonewaller is often afraid of conflict or is uncomfortable expressing his or her feelings and preferences. So, it’s important to be compassionate and avoid being reactive when he or she does communicate.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Resentment: If I say anything, it will just get worse.”

“YOU were yelling at ME!!”

Posted on by
Reply

"Music of the Skies" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

“My reaction was too extreme. I’m sorry.”

We’re all human. Reactivity is not going to suddenly disappear. But we CAN become quicker in apologizing and resist continuing the blame game. That way we can get back to living the life we desire.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Defensiveness: What do you mean by that?!”

Disappointing others:
“I am not good at confrontation because I don’t want to hurt people.”

Posted on by
3

"Fearless" — Lee Janzen by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

A confrontation is a “a hostile or argumentative meeting or situation between opposing parties.” You can learn to stand up for yourself without being hostile or “confrontational.” You simply need to state your opinion in a respectful, matter of fact, and firm way.

It’s admirable to want to treat people with respect and fairness. However, that does not mean giving them everything they want.

Imagine if you raised a child where your goal was to avoid confrontation. The child would learn very quickly that being confrontational is the most effective way to get what he or she wants. You would be training that child to become spoiled, demanding, and selfish.

Giving people everything they want at your expense caters to their selfishness and will cause you to feel resentful.

Disappointment may not feel good, but it is a necessary part of life. You can’t avoid disappointing others because you can’t control their expectations. On the other hand, you underestimate people’s resiliency if you think they can’t handle a little disappointment.

The only way to avoid disappointment is to never have hopes, dreams and expectations. These are what motivate our journey through life. Fortunately, people don’t have to have all of their dreams and expectations satisfied in order to live a full and happy life. In fact, disappointment can lead people to make needed adjustments in their lives.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Walking on Eggshells.”